That the Cookie Says & What I Just Might End Up Doing

Now I'm not too sure if God speaks through fortune cookies, but today I got one that said:

"You are capable of tremendous creativity."

In the past month or so I have been questioning God about what He wants me to do with my creativity, and I think I have the answer. Actually, I think I had the answer and since then I've been questioning if that is really what I should do because I doubt my creativity. You might have heard me say before that I am not an artist so much as a creative person who's creativeness sometimes comes out as art. Art has a difficult definition. Is it in the production? Must it require skill? Who determines aesthetic value? Part of the reason I love the movie Mona Lisa's Smile is that Julia Roberts challenges our paradigm of art; something which cutting edge artists and musicians are always doing.

Do I make art? I'm not always so sure. Some people might love it as art. I have no doubt others don't consider it as such. Its hard to set a value for your art and proclaim yourself as an artist, vying into the community of people seeking the same pedestal. These people who are also amazingly self and others critical, often emotional, and are constantly begging for worth at the same time they are oozing pride. Artists really are just a unique brand of people. Really. Go meet yourself an artist if you don't know one, and imagine surrounding yourself with that type of people. I am not too sure I want to go back into that world and set myself up as an artist.

Yet at the same time I think I might have stumbled across what it seems I should do. I am always coming up with new ideas of what I should "do" which I am pretty sure is why I shouldn't have done any of them. Whether a lawyer to fight for human rights, a teacher to reproduce my worldview, a writer to sneak ideas into the minds of the masses......I am always convinced I should do a new activity. I know I am a visionary, and some of the visions I have I really do hope to do someday. They are tucked away within my heart for another time. Either which way, I am constantly driven by the calling I believe God has given me to "change the world." What's really ridiculous is that I actually believe that is what I am supposed to do, unlike, I am guessing, 98% of the population who is like "sure, whatever."

How the heck do you change the world? I really don't know how to do that. I generally used to think big, until I moved to Ashburn. Then I started feeling so hopeless and fighting the phrase "just change your corner of the world." Okay, I have become okay with that idea as long as it is one corner at a time *smile*. I guess I've known for awhile that my life is supposed to do with my family (Josh, Avi, baby & extended family), creativity (art and music), and something international (very vague, I know....travel, missions, cultures, international justice issues). Also somewhere in there is loving people, and helping other people with their struggles and all the things I am gifted at doing (whatever those might be at whatever time). But generally, over the times I have sought God about what I am supposed to do with my life, this is what He has showed me.

Honestly, for the most part, since I have moved to Ashburn, I know I have been establishing my family and have been growing by leaps and bounds in maturity, humility, selflessness, not finding my identity in what I do and a ton of other things. Okay, maybe none of you see that, but really, if you could compare me with how bad I was before in these ways, you'd see a difference (even if I'm still bad now). On a not so positive note, I have also grown more reserved in self-conscious way, struggle with depression and purposeless and have stopped playing and writing music to a large extent. Yet it seems maybe, just maybe, I am moving into a new season.

Okay, moving beyond my unnecessarily huge preface: So, what is it? What am I going to do? So this is what I've been pondering. I collect old furniture and such people needlessly throw away in our area. I love to paint them and refurbish them. If I could sell them as art, I could make a profit. If I could make a profit, I could help by giving money to all the international issues I care so much about and want to make others aware of. Therefore I am changing the world (although not in a massive way) by taking my creativity, using it to bless the nations, and all the while still able to invest in and care for my family first. And, on top of which, it is actually possible, like now! Generally I come up with these things that I'd have to change a lot, go back to school to add to my education, and are often conflicting with other important things in my life (such as having another baby). This has to be the first time that this has not been the case.

I am not too sure I even remember how this idea came to be, except it suddenly came to me while lying in my bed one night, unable to fall asleep. Since then it has taken a greater form. I've been thinking over it a lot, planning how it would work, talking about it with Josh and some other people, and praying about it. I have my doubts if it would work. I often wonder why anyone would buy my work in the first place. People have before, but not enough for this to seem like a promising endeavor. I have put something on Craig's list and it hasn't sold. Part of me has been doing this as a Gideon's fleece. Therefore I wonder if I should take it as a sign from God I shouldn't do this or if I am not trusting God by using this as a Gideon's fleece when everything else He seems to be saying is go for it. There is a lot more personal stuff in how God has been speaking to me, and I won't go there now. But all to say, I keep getting a vibe that God wants me to step out, trust Him to do this big thing of selling my art, and see my worth in Him. I kinda like that idea. It gives me shivers as it is so....dangerous. We like to ask God to give us big visions, not really to have the faith for them to come about. So, although this is actually a very possible reality for my life right now, its still big enough to make me need a big good God. Its exciting to be on this limb.

So, there is my idea. I guess by sharing it on my blog I am taking another step forward by making it public. Now that I've got that over, hopefully I'll find the time to share with you the plans of how I'll actually maybe do this. Exciting! Yey!

Baby's Birthday #2

Well, I have the official count now: I am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I was right, I am not nine weeks along as originally though. It is weird that we have known we are pregnant for 5 weeks already, thanks to First Response, which, mind you, ripped us off for that little digital pee stick (I'm still slightly bitter I bought the wrong test. Though as it was so early, another one might not have picked up the pregnancy that soon).


Anyways, I thought I'd share the happy news. The due date is May 5th, 2009. The baby looks pretty blobish, with a slight semblance to the baby in-utero shape. Yet above is what it technically looks like right now. We have a good heart-beat of 150 beats per....minute? Whatever it is, it is healthy. So, that's about it. Happy baby!

Avi's Activities

Avi has been getting a little more active of late. She still doesn't walk but she is a creative little 'fellerina when it comes to exploring the world. Here are activities of hers in the past days:

-Climbing up our staircases. She is becoming a climbing pro. Amazingly, she always passes by the power tools and keeps going up, up, up. Yesterday she was starting on the stairs to the loft by the time I found her.

- Today she did an exciting magic trick. She actually pulled a placemat out from under a vase of flowers.....and the vase stood still. It was pretty cool.

- One of her most, no, her FAVORITE place in the house is the toilet. She loves playing in the toilet water (whether there is something or nothing in it). She thinks its hilarious to splash the water about, and if she can she'll throw something in it. She likes the toilet downstairs, in her room, in our room and in Target equally the same. Apparently she doesn't have toilet preferences. Just as long as the lid is open.

- Other activities include emptying the recycle bin, emptying the Tupperware cupboards, pretty much emptying anything there is to empty. Be forewarned: If she empties your plate, she will also do you the honor of throwing it on the floor.

- Flipping through the mail and any magazines is also an important task. She will often follow this by spreading them nicely on the floor. Working on a collage no doubt.

- She likes to delete e-mails and change the settings on the computer. Often when using it, she will sneak up and start hitting the keys before I can move her. This has resulted in deleting long e-mails, stopping movies, posting things (which should not be posted), and changing our whole computer language into Chinese Characters. Very useful.

- Another past time is chewing on cords or plugs. Actually, this pas time is SO last week. She hasn't been as interested this week.

- She is also mommy's bodyguard. She has the ability to follow me everywhere, even if it means trying to hold onto my legs while I am walking around the kitchen cooking dinner.

- Putting her headband on. Believe it or not she actually can do this. I just usually looks rather odd, as it ends up around her neck or semi-hanging on the back of her head. When I put her headband on I am pretty sure she is thinking about how pretty she looks. When she puts it on I am also pretty sure she is thinking about how pretty she looks.

-She has been trying to eat with a fork and spoon of late. She really has no skill. Today she was hamming it up, making these crazy faces anytime I would give her the fork. She then proceeds to put it in her mouth and either clap (cause she did a good job, obviously), or try to violently stab her plate. It is immensely rare if she gets anything on her fork, though. The way she holds her spoon (no matter how hard I try to reposition her hands) inevitably causes all her food to fall off before it reaches her mouth. Don't worry, though. She is still pretty happy that SHE put it in her mouth and not me.

-Lastly, she is a big dancer. Anytime she hears noise or music she starts dancing around, wiggling her body and laughing. It can be Mozart, screamo-rock, or alternative. The style doesn't matter, the sway does. Its really cute.

-Of course she loves, "walking" with daddy holding her hands, playing with her friends, looking at her books and playing with her toys. But, these formerly said things are her unique points. And oh how we love her.

Lovin' like a Milk Man (or Maid)

(To be noted: the first paragraph of this entry isn't exactly worth reading)

It is late and I can't sleep. I have reached the sleepy cooled down state in my body, like a nap hangover. But my brain just won't be so still. In the morning I always wonder what I would write about. I often look at my journal or consider blogging, but I just can't think of anything worth saying. For some reason as soon as the sun falls below the horizon my mind often seems to wake up. Not necessarily smarts (debatable if I have any of those at all *wink*), but just thoughts. These deep analytical ponderings are where I attempt to figure out the puzzle of life, death, and Mancala. So here I am once again in that state: Partially asleep hoping I can stop the running train inside. And so I write.

Currently my mouth is numb. I have an unkind canker-sore inside my lip. It hurts, and its ache pulled me from my bed. I used the nasty medicine on it, that bright brown lava goo which you drip on. It burns at first, and then you contort your mouth in odd ways to attempt to keep the stuff from getting all over your tongue and teeth, as anything it touches it numbs. Once I drank from a cup Josh used earlier after he used this medicine. I started freaking out because my mouth was going numb and I didn't know why. Apparently it is powerful stuff, lingering on anything. This time I didn't do my typical mouth-dance to keep me from numbing up; I was just going to suck it up. And I am, numb all over. I keep licking the left side of my mouth as I am pretty sure I am drooling there, but I guess it just feels cold, the cold not being my spit. Instead I am drooling right from the center of my mouth. Very attractive. A numb mouth makes for great entertainment. If your easily self-entertained, that is.

On a deeper level, I have been laying in bed itchingly aware of my complacency. In fact, its slightly uncomfortable to acknowledge, but I think I am rather nominal. Since I pride myself as not being as such, or at least not wanting to be nominal, its kinda gross to admit it.

Yesterday I was challenged to fast from the dare I say it? From the love of my taste buds: creamy sweet coffee. I understand fasting as denying something as to prove that you are serious about something else. Hence, if one fasts from food, they are showing God that they are actually serious about what they are asking for (whether its praying for another person, an issue, or just to become closer to God). Of course, there is more to fasting than that, but that is a part of it. I don't particularly like to fast, and never have. Often I have out of guilt, mainly being I should do so because its spiritually the right thing to do for me to get what I want. Not exactly a great attitude, you see. I don't ever remember a time where I willingly enjoyed doing so (even if I have enjoyed the results). Generally when the idea of fasting comes up I try to squelch it right away. Its not that I am against it if it is actually necessary. Yet I am always trying to convince myself that it is not necessary. Do you ever do that? Try to convince yourself you can get the same results without a certain amount of effort? Maybe its just human nature, but I am pretty sure I am pretty lazy that way. Just pretty sure. There is a line somewhere between necessary and unneccesary. . . if I can just find where that line is I'll set up camp there eternally. If I do x y & z I'll will get whatever. But can I get whatever by doing just x & y? If so, heck ya, I am just going to do x & y! In this case I don't want the path less traveled. I want to path of least resistance. Which, come to think of it reminds me of some verses about the narrow path is the only one in following Jesus vs. that large road of least resistance which is safe to say does NOT lead to Jesus. Hum.

It is kinda pathetic to me that I won't willingly jump to do whatever makes God happy. I can barely even get myself to do what He asks me to do. When you are newly in-love you go out of your way to make eachother happy. When you are 'seasoned' in marriage you do what is comfortable, which generally means only doing what the other person asks for. But, oh, how much happier is the marriage for both people when you randomly (or always) are going out of your way (yes, serving selflessly) to make the other person happy?! It breathes life into the marriage! Its like vanilla ice-cream-drizzled blueberry pies and butterflies, like glorious sunshiney mornings and rainy cozy day hot-chocolate & popcorn by the fire. Its like singing birdies! Okay. Um. Sort of. Honestly, though, sometimes pulling a hammer out of your derrière is easier than to say "Thank you for doing the dishes." Why is that? Its not like its hard to say. But sometimes it requires so much gumption to barely tiptoe an inch out of your way to make the other person happy.

God seems to be a romantic. He's given flowers and sunsets and poems. Yet our relationship does not go both ways. I am still huffing and gruffing to get that sledgehammer out of my backside to make myself make Him happy, and often ignoring His requests to pick up 1% milk from the store for Him. Or whatever it is that God plainly asks of me. You know what I mean? Why do I go back and forth being like "is this really really actually necessary for my well-being, other's well-being, God's delight?" I mean, God seems to delight in me whether I am a flaking piece of crap (as long as I am acknowledging my dependence on Him) or if I am the brightest silkiest fastest-hoping bunny on the bunny trail. He likes me. But I don't seem to like Him. I always thought John 14 was kinda tough saying we only love God if we obey Him. But right now its easy for me to see its not a matter of us meeting at x y & z or we fall short; its not an emotional statement saying that doubtlessly He will reject me because I know I can't meet up to perfectly obeying, i.e., loving Him. Its pretty much a statement of fact that when you love someone you will be trying to love them. You should try to make them happy and get their milk they asked for even if its at 1 a.m. at the local only-place-open Harris Teeter so they can eat their freakin' tasty fiberous Mini Wheat's in the morning! It makes you happy to make them happy! That's why you should! Yep. Wouldn't that be nice? We don't believe in that selfless milk-maid relationships most of the time, though. Maybe when we are are starry-eyed in love. Generally the reality we choose is a reality of laziness and/or self-service which doesn't love just to love.

In the book of Revelations Jesus is talking to one of His churches saying they lost their first love. I am pretty sure I am not in love with Jesus like the 1 a.m. milk type of love. I sometimes cringe at obeying Him. I do as little as possible to get by. My spiritual life suffers because of this and the people I crave to reach out are also thus shafted. I don't want to be spiritually numb like my drooling mouth is.

I was going to write about a bunch of other stuff. I was going to talk about Avilynne and her idiosyncrasies. I was going to talk about how I wish others would challenge me and how I think I should be challenge (haha, I'd probably regret saying that later anyways). I was going to talk about how I think God wants me to teach English to my neighbor and that I am afraid of doing so, how I have a healthy fear of getting drunk and that I want to write a children's book, change the world and never leave the emotional safety of my mind although I long to go parasailing in all manners of life. I guess these topics will have to wait until the train keeps running in my mind some other sleepless night. In the meantime I will enjoy being slightly sparked with a bit'o conviction. If I can still feel it, I must be still alive. :)

Some Thoughts (Rather Serious, I Guess)

1.) What if my life purpose was just to love my husband? Beyond just loving the person you are married to as one should in part of a life, but pouring out your all for your spouse. Or child. Or the old person across the street. Generally I don't normally think people live to impact just one person. But what if in some cases they did? I guess I am just realizing that God's love is so real and full that it might just want to love someone for a lifetime (and beyond) for no other reason. So, what if my only assignment in life was to show God's love to one person? Its just a crazy thought. Even if God knows individuals might never respond to His love, or share it with others, I think I have come to the conclusion that He might just love them their whole earthly lives anyways just because He wants them to know He loves them. Just because He wants to. That is an incredible thought to me.

2.) I've been thinking a lot about dying recently for whatever reason. Maybe knowing that I am not promised time, wondering to what degree I'd be okay with dying for a purpose, like if it helped other people come to know God or that it would impact an individual enough to change them (so that in turn they would change others). How willing would I be to be "poured out" as an offering of that degree? I might say I live for Jesus. But generally, living seems harder than dying (as that seems to take no effort whatsoever if the circumstances demand as such). Yet I think I would much rather live than die, or at least not just die for no reason. Like the typical dying just to die cause we all die someday.

3.) I really like my daughter. I am not too sure what bonds one to their kid, but something has gone on there, in between us at least. My theory is that when you have to love someone by your actions, you end up feeling the love for them. I didn't particularly "feel" love for Avi when she was born. I was not one of those moms who bond in a second. But something within the last year has totally bonded us. I feel sorry for mothers all around. After all, they have these kids who grow up, and the kid loves them as a parent, but the love will never be to the same extent back. Yet in spite of knowing that someday Avilynne might not like me, depending, I can't help but feel a certain sort of emotion for her. Its just shy of an addiction, as it lacks that "high" drive. Yet it is deep an rooted like that funky huge weed near my door, yet it is a beautiful and real plant. Anyways, I'm sure I'll share more thoughts about motherhood later; just to say I am amazed how much I love my child. These little people are amazing, and I am so privileged to "own" one, entrusted as I am.

Colour Light

Colour Light
July 16th 2008

If I had to paint your heart,
What colour would it be?
Red or gold or molten,
Or honey-bee sweet in marigolds?

If I had to hold your hand,
What pictures would that paint?
Slow streams of bluish liquid,
Or quickity-splashes of daydreams?

When I see your mind,
What feelings will I feel?
Will I feel my favorite colours?
Will I feel my heart be faint?

Tingles up and down my spine
Roses light I wish to find
On that bed of water, dear
There they are when you swim near!

I sing
sing
sing
that you were near

I sing
sing
sing
that you still are:

And when I think
That all is lost
I'll sing of the colours you have made.

Tribute to Grandma Skies and Living Jesus

Yuck, sometimes I feel so grossed by my non-love. I am such a selfish person. I don't think I act like a child of the Father. I don't think I show love. I just read 1 John 3, and go figure, it was immensely convicting. How often do I "live in Him?" There is verse after verse about how when you become God's child you will stop sinning. Considering I am a bit too professional at being selfish, automatically I start wondering how I am God's child. Its kinda like a kid realizing for the first time they don't look like their parents or anyone else in the family . . . I guess I'm adopted.

Yesterday at my Grandma's memorial service the pastor was talking about how Grandma was not her normal self at the end of her life. She was focused on getting her orange sherbet, RC Cola, and that "Fat Free Skim Milk" was a redundant title. She became more determined, impatience, self-focused, hard in understanding logic, and even her personality changed to a degree. This impart was due to her strokes, losing brain-matter. I also think people automatically revert into self-focused behavior when their physical body seems threatened. Its like a survival mode that humans seem to switch into when they are hurt, sick, tired, pmsed, and other abnormal states of being. They might be themselves, but not always their most pleasant, life-giving selves. The pastor was saying he became frustrated with Grandma as she wasn't getting his logic. Then the idea came to him to appeal to her "spirit," the child of God, the person who has become "fixed," forgiven, and alive in God. So he sang a song with her about focusing on God. Go figure, she changed, she became peaceful and God focused.

I guess that kinda stood out to me. We are in this constant battle inside ourselves that Paul describes, doing what we don't want to do and not able to do what we hope to do. We have a part of us that is so human in a physical body that is dying. But God said He has changed our spirit, overlooking, and wiping away our selfish nature so we can become like Him.

Another thing the pastor said at my Grandma's memorial service was that my her life was about Jesus. In honesty, sometimes I was pretty unsatisfied with my interaction with my Grandma. She was so proud of her family, though in a good way. She would often brag about me to my cousins and brag about my cousins to me. I had the feeling that she never cared more than just to find more information to be proud of. I guess you could say I didn't have the personal relationship I wish I had with her. Yet in retrospect, that was undoubtedly outweighed by the things about her that were just amazing. There are plenty of things I remember about her: making us cousins matching clothing, babysitting us (and saving my life), camping, public display of personal, um, stuff, walking in the rain, and singing "Tell Me Why." But what really stands out to me was her faith. If no one else in the world had faith, she still did. She started churches. Started and lead Bible studies. She actually would pray for people, intensely, regularly. She watched the world news to pray for current events. She loved to worship God; to sing about Him and tell about how awesome He is to others. Her conversations, letters, and thoughts would always shortly lead back to being about Jesus. She lived for Him. Energy or no energy, able to do things or not, she continually maintained a relationship with Jesus and followed Him. I'm sure she struggled in life, I know she made unwise decisions that hurt herself and others in her life time. She wasn't perfect. But her life was about Jesus. Whether religious or anti-religious, it is impossible to deny that her life was entwined in her belief about her personal Lord.

On that note, of course, I was wondering what people would say about me if I died now. I think I might have an idea about what my family would say, or my friends in CA or other places around the globe. But I wonder what people would say among those who live where I do now, in the D.C. area. Yes, people would know I was a Christian. But would they really say my life was about Jesus? That I was fully alive? I've been thinking a lot about what my life back home looks like and in some ways I think it is very trite. Valuable, fun, and often meaningful. But too often it is satisfied with something less than I believe my life should contain. For once I am not saying this because I am not content. I am saying this because I am where I should be (location) but I don't live like I should. I don't live wrong, I just don't live to the fullest. By the fullest I am not referring to "doing" more either. But really investing in my relationship with Jesus and my relationships with others. No wonder so often I am not content. I often let spiritual laziness and selfishness rule while I live a 'wonderful' American life. Even though I am a Christian and try to follow Jesus, I let the dead part of me live a little too much. After meditating on my Grandma's life I am convinced I want her legacy to live on: I want to live Jesus.