What is Going in Life of Late

Life has pretty much been the same ol' same ol' here in Northern Virginia. Not that I am complaining. As usual, I have an obsession, which of late has been my FADs (Friday Adventure Day). I started a blog about these weekly adventures, adding in traveling tips for moms with little kids at www.adventureday.wordpress.com. So far, I really haven't gotten too much done. I am learning a lot about official REAL blogging (not like this personal blog here) which is a whole new set of information to me. Web design, themes, and SLO & SEO  was equivalent to SOS in my thinking when I started! Considering it was kinda throwing off my focus, I think God helped remind me that its all cool and I don't need to be obsessed. And, with that gentle reminder, I am not obsessed! I guess we will see where it ends up now, if anywhere.

Also, as is typical, I am still taking classes. I am so very ready to be done. Which is why it is especially nice that I will be done SOON- three more classes left! I have fun writing papers on poverty, justice issues, international relationships, and interpersonal relationships. I love what I learn, I just hate doing the work to learn it. This coming week I have a huge paper due on intercultural business. Fun, fun, fun! So, if I keep up with my homework after the kids are tucked in to their beds, I should graduate from Ashford University at the beginning of August. Thanks to Josh, the Hills, and Becky for getting me through this! I know I won't regret it!

And, as usual, I am still involved in my church, facilitating a Bible study, hanging out with the people in my SPHERE (and hopefully making a difference in their lives, as they often make in mine) and helping Jill out with L2F Needs Network. Within this past month I've been helping a Pakistani family settle into their new home in America after they fled religious persecution. L2F, other community members, and people in churches have almost entirely provided everything they need. Also, we collected, packed-up, and had a team deliver a bunch of stuff (baby necessities and medicine) to an area in Haiti which was very close to the earthquake epicenter, and is not very reachable to large relief organizations. Here is a cool video about it:





In addition, I have been trying to create a home-garden. Its a fun activity for us to do outside and, yes, it was my obsession just prior to the Adventure Day Blog. I think my obsessions are always semi-creative (music, cooking, blogging, painting, gardening) which might mean I can blame them on my partial artistic personality.  I am even on the map as a Triscuit Home Garden! Wow, how THRILLING! Josh has even been adding to the flowers and vegetables, by practicing his slingshot off the porch, to his targets. Okay, I guess he doesn't shoot my plants, but its nice to all have something fun to do in the same area together outdoors.


Lastly, and most importantly, I've been taking care of the kids. I like them. They are growing up. Maybe in honor of Josiah's first birthday next month I'll actually write out his birth story! He still has no teeth, but he is cruising around pretty good. He is a happy baby. Sweet little Avi is a mischievous lover of her brother. I don't even know how to begin to describe Avilynne these days. Sometimes she makes my heart melt, yet other times I just want to lock her outside of our house. She is trying very hard to speak English, repeating our pronunciation of words over and over. I am terrible at pronunciation, as is she. But, unlike me, she is improving. Here is a link to a Spring 2010 photo album of them.

As always, if you haven't, please support Thai Song, and what is going on in the makings of this awesome inspired fair-trade organization. Buying a bag, which these sweet women create from nasty trash, helps change lives! Feel free to check out and support the co-director (yes, my cousin's) blog at: http://brittanyfox.missionsplace.com

So, these are the updates on the Johnston Family of late!

A Social Problem: Stay-At-Home-Parent

This is one of the short essay discussions I did a couple weeks ago for the current class I am in, Social Problems in the workplace (SOC 402). Please note that for reading ease, I used the term "mom" but this would really apply to any male or female caretaker and guardian who does not work outside the home. This post is not intended to prove that this job is harder than any other or better than any other. It is only intended to bring awareness to that fact that being a stay-at-home caretaker is a difficult task which can be improved with society's help.

A Social Problem is defined by Lauer and Lauer as ". . . one whose causes and solutions lie outside the individual and immediate environment" (2008). Although being a Stay-at-home parent is not technically a paid job, anyone who has done it before can assure you that it is a very real job none-the-less. I became a Stay-at-home-mom because I didn't have a career job outside the home. It was not worth it for me to work because of the child-care/traveling/income differences just were not logical. I could work, but would it be worth it to have someone else raise my child, instilling their values and not necessarily able to give them the attention they might thrive in, just so I could have a couple thousand extra dollars a month I can do without (if even that much)? Although I often wish I could work part-time outside the home, I was content with this decision when we made it.

Now I am not so sure I am as content with this job. Why? Well, let's just say if I worked for a company in this job, I probably would have quit by now. I consider it a social problem because, firstly, it is a relational job. There is great social responsibility on my shoulders including taking care of kids/spouse, managing a household in which must respond to the repairman, teachers, insurance companies, etc..., and socially expected to act in certain ways towards people I should be involved with (such as volunteering, church, neighborhood, other moms, contacting family, etc...). I am my own manager in my own start up business. This "business," The Johnston Estate, does not make money in itself, but I keep it running smoothly so my husband, the bread-winner, can do so.


A large portion of America's children are raised by a family member who does not work. I read an article the other day, telling mom's to ask for help, that they weren't meant to raise their children alone. It was kinda going with the "it takes a village" theme, encouraging mothers to not be afraid of having their parents, in-laws, relatives, friends, and neighbors take some of the load. I thought that was sweet. Sweet and totally not possible. After all, who can I ask to "take my load?" With change in the economy and business, the workforce has moved to where there are jobs, whether it be in the city or the other side of the country. Extended family and life-long local friends don't always follow each other around, let alone life-long acquaintances like your pastor and dentist. My community has a population of 60,000; it is a community which didn't even exist as more than a few small farms 15 years ago. Very rarely do I meet anyone is from here. East-coast Americans do not typically sit on eachother's front porches drinking lemonade together, and neither do they ask the other neighbors for help if they have even met. I am luckily to live on a street which defies this status-quo, but its abnormal. I have a close church-family in my area too. Yet, for the typical mom in my area, there is no one.

All to say, I am aware of many moms who struggle with the difficulties of the task that is expected of them when help is just not there. Its easy for moms to become so stressed mentally and tired physically that they start to become less-than-mediocre in their childcare, and on occasion flat-out terrible parents. Or others deal with extreme depression due to being overworked, so much so they are not able to handle any other difficulties in life. I know a few moms who are suicidal because of the pressures they have on them, most which are not their fault. I also know many couples who have become separated for the same reasons, having too much to manage and without a local support network. These are not solely just personal problems, although the individual really can do more to help themselves. Yet these problems will not go away unless there is social help.

So, what makes this job so difficult? I might get help at my job from my spouse or friends, but I do not have time off (except when scheduled with my husband or babysitter for a few hours here and there). I work most of 24x7 hours a week. Although there are moments in my job I am able to sleep (like a firefighter can, still on alert for the siren to go off). Sometimes my job is very fun and enjoyable. But, can you imagine if your boss at XYZ INC. required you to work over 150 hours a week?

Monotony is another major issue. I do the same thing almost everyday. It can get very boring. I listen to my baby cry and my daughter babble mostly unintelligible words throughout the day. This is anything but stimulating. I can improve this situation by getting involved in as much as I can or trying to use any freer-time for stimulating activity. Yet still, there are days when I can't get out or do anything I find stimulating. In general, not having goals set from outside can be hard. Days, weeks, months turn into years and nothing changes much.

At a typical job, management gives incentives. You are rewarded with bonuses, pay-increases, have performance reviews, and often have general encouragement, and feedback. As a mom, you often only get negative feedback (Your screaming child does not say "thanks mom for changing my blow-out again" while the dirty floor and piles of laundry testify that you are a failure). Your spouse might encourage and thank you but that is not a guarantee, and it might not be often enough. There is little recognition for the countless tasks you do all day.


Awareness needs to be increased of the challenges of stay-at-home parenting through the media, as well as encouragement for those with careers to look at us as equal members of society (besides grandma talking about it at Thanksgiving dinner). From most of what I see, being a working parent is what is glamorized. I often feel that other people think something is wrong with me because I choose to stay at home. Maybe I am lazy, not able to handle working a real job and being a mom (Which is why those who work have daycare, its not like they can do it all either). Or others just assume I am not smart, educated, and underclass. It is true that I am just shy of receiving my Bachelor's degree yet, and it would be hard for me to find a high-paying job to make it worth me working outside the home. Yet, even if I did I know I would still be staying at home with my kids, at least until they are in school and I could work part-time elsewhere. Besides, the fields I enjoy working in the most are generally within the non-profit sector in which I would still not be able to make it worth it to pay for childcare from a financial perspective. Or on the other hand a stay-at-home mom can also both be looked at as too traditional or too hoity-toity, like a country club yuppie. Funny how all these perspectives of a stay-at-home mom of little children do not logically fit together. Can I be undereducated, poor, rich, snobby, and uber-traditional at the same time? Apparently. I don't consider myself uneducated, snobby, or having characteristics worthy of discrimination. Yet, the Stay-at-home is often looked at oddly. I guess this is typical to encounter some prejudice, as most are partial and skeptical of anything outside of their experience.

Ways to ease this social problem can first start with the spouses. Ideally, spouses should try to balance the workload rather than just using their off-work time for their own pleasure. The mom, whether working or not generally takes care of the lump of the household and childcare for whatever reason. The more the husband can help, I have no doubt the more he will like who his wife is as relieved of burden. Also, local friends and family members can exchange favors, taking turns watching eachother's kids. Although meeting trustworthy people is difficult when you are in a new place, challenging yourself to join a moms group, a church, and other organizations along with going out of your way to introduce yourself to neighbors and other moms at the park can go a long way. Even increasing encouragement in all forms is probably the best way to help us moms, especially moms with little children.

Communities/towns themselves, along with local organizations and churches should really go to greater effort to make support networks. Or if there already are, have ways to contact moms who are so secluded and depressed they don't look for help themselves. Catchy yet simple mailers, signs, door-to-door invites, or even articles in the HOA magazine can all be effective. Although this seems ridiculous to even myself, could the communities provide free quality babysitting services once a week for stay-at-home parents? Yes, that is ridiculous. But I know having babysitting services in my community are very appreciated. A local grocery store offers has a childcare center in it for those who are shopping. Our HOA provides very low-cost babysitting at our gym, something which many gyms in our area do. A break from your children for even just an hour can be a life-saver sometimes. I wish there was a way I could have my children be watched long-enough to get some paperwork done, take a nap, or have some time to just breath. Or even cooking a meal, or sharing the responsibility with another family is an amazing blessing. I am so thankful to my friends and spouse who give me this on occasion. Giving moms a little more help a long the way might be cheaper than waiting until they go crazy and have to take their kids from them. This might sound extreme, but I know that this is actually a reality for some moms who are not handling the pressure very well.

In conclusion, Stay-at-home mothering is a job in itself, with challenges and difficulties. Some of these can be eased by outside help. If you have the ability to help a mom with small children, on their behalf, I ask you to please do so. Often the mom is in denial that she needs help, so don't give her generic offers like "ask me for help sometime" because if you do it is almost guaranteed that she will not ask. Yet offer specifics instead. Offer to babysit a certain day so she can grab a coffee and read a book for an hour, ask her family for dinner a specific night of the week, or tell her you will come over at 11 a.m. the next day to talk with her while folding laundry. Do these things and you will make a very frazzled woman sigh and she will probably even give you a genuine smile.


References:

Lauer, R., & Lauer, J. (Eds.). (2008). Social Problems and the Quality of Life (11th ed.). New York: McGraw-Hill.

PhilD41. (2009, August 12). Life Support for the Stay-At-Home-Mom. Hubpages. Retrieved August 12, 2009, from http://hubpages.com/hub/Stay-At-Home-Mother?utm_source=fb&utm_campaign=newsfeed

The Targeted Objective

I went to Target the other day. Ironically, I was thrilled about going, although I knew deep down in the pit of my stomach that it would be a terrible disaster, as most prolonged shopping trips toting two tiny tots become. I know buying things shouldn't make one happy, but I have to say, the act of getting out of the house does make me happy. Sadly, in NOVA, the only locations a person toting the tiniest of kids can 'successfully' go to (at least on a rainy day) are only places you buy crap at (i.e., stores).

I planned well; I would try to quickly get the "essential" items done with and save browsing for what else I needed for later. Just in case. One of my main objectives was to get a wedding present for a couple we know. Yet, when I finally checked through the line, I realize I completely fell-short of reaching that main objective. Apparently the myriad of soap, juice, and toys around me forced me to forget. Mind you, so far I actually had successfully made it through the shopping trip. Of course Avi was hungry, tired and whinny while Josiah was on the verge of waking up hungry. But, I although I stood on the verge of said cliff, we had not yet fallen off. In fact, hungry children could maybe be used for my benefit: I could let Avi eat and scribble while I would fed Josiah in the adjacent food area. During these precious moments I could attempt to relax, sip my coffee contentedly and possibly even be able to read a few lines in my book! Yet such daydreams never last long enough. I woke up to the cashier handing me a receipt who's total did not include that all-important present. And, there were unhappy children in my cart.

Did this deter me? Oh no, I was in denial, not following wisdom's whisper. I still thought I could make it to that possibly relaxing dream in the stupid food court. So quickly I got their registry list, found something on it and a few other random things which I could make into a fun present, and went back to the check out.

Well, actually, it took me forever to find their registry for some odd reason. I am not too sure if it was because I was just not smart enough to know the names of my friends, or if it was because Avi kept running behind the return counter in hopes of playing it off as an employee to get a paycheck. And, "quickly" finding stuff wasn't as quick as quick is actually defined. To be more accurate, I would say that we moved faster than two kids and I generally do. Which, you can imagine, is not exactly quick or fast. So, by the second time at checkout, Josiah is screaming. Avi keeps running and disappearing down the aisles. Or she is throwing a tantrum while flinging herself out of the shopping cart (it doesn't help that she knows how to unbuckle her strap and has no fear of falling). In other words, I was the lady with THOSE kids. Whose kids really just needed some sleep, food, and in the case of the older one, maybe a good spanking.

To my dismay, the registry item kept showing up as not on the registry and as more expensive. While going "quickly" through the store the second time, I did take a moment to double check that I had the right thing. And the checkout lady also thought it was right, as we re-read the item description multiple times. Eventually we realized that I did get the right thing but the wrong size. You can imagine that at this moment I felt extreme dismay. Luckily, while noting my unhappy feelings, a profound idea hit me: to my left, hanging in perfect rows, were lovely plastic cards. Right then gift cards seemed like an answer from heaven to a question I refused to ask.

After all, I could have gotten them a gift card the first time I realized I missed my targeted objective at Target. I was bitter because I was so excited to give a REAL present of fun stuff; I had a creative idea for one! But I got them a gift card. And everyone was happy: My screaming children stopped screaming shortly afterwards, as I gave them food. My kids were happy, as were the people around us having to hear my kids cry. The newlyweds were probably even more happy with a gift card than actual presents. Everyone was happy but me. Go figure. Suck it up Elisa! One moment less of creativity on my part brought peace and happiness to many. These are the times I get what it means to put others interests before your own. But I wouldn't be surprised if I find myself in almost an identical situation next week. I easily fall into denial that everyone can't do what I want them too : )

Time and Time Again

I often catch myself trying to figure out how to jam everything I want to do in a space of time which is amazingly inadequate. "Tisk, Tisk- How to use my time today. . . ?" Yep. Where does it all go? What should I do with my limited "free time?"

Hum . . . do I actually have free time? This is my current question. And the debate begins: If the kids' nap time actually is when I am paying bills, shopping for things online and making household phone calls to the Dr. or county who screwed up the last tax payment.....is that really free time? Or when the kids go to bed at night, and I realize my husband and I need to spend time together . . . is that free time or is that time investing in the most important relationship I have with another human? And the same question applies to the time I use to write in my journal or read my Bible. Is that free time? Its my choice to use the time that way, but its something I need or I become empty and can't do the rest of my job. What about reading? I don't have to spend time reading a book. But I must stimulate my mind or I go crazy. I don't need to do anything creative like painting, writing or playing music. But maybe I do, because without that I am not my healthy self. These things make me come alive and an alive Elisa is much better than an internally dead one. Therefore that can easily affect everything and everyone in my world. Not only are others effected by time I spend improving myself, but obviously by the time I actually am spending with them (or not spending with them). So, although eating dinner with my friends might be fun, it is also time I am also investing into their lives, and time they are investing in mine. That sometimes that is not fun at all, and I might not have much of a choice about it. When is time with people free time and when is it not? And I don't need to watch a movies, but sometimes I need to be still and have mindless activity when I am so tired. But as that can be enjoyable, is it therefore free time? And is it my "job" or fun free time when I go to the park or pool or picnic with my kids? My job is to teach and lead them in the way they should go, and love them. Sometimes that also includes "fun" for me. Other times it is anything but fun, even if it at a fun place. I could go to the park with her in the morning and consider it work. I could go with her on a Saturday night, and as it is not the work week, is it then free time?

So, my question really is "What is free time?" A time where I don't have to do anything? Or is it a time when I am enjoying what I am doing? Maybe I just have time in general. Time that I have to use wisely. I have times where I have the chance to invest in myself or others that are not my kids. Not being responsible for children currently tends to define my free time. But free time is not a time void of responsibility. Time is responsibility on its own. My "free time" might end up be fun or not fun. Somewhere in me I believe I have the right to time free of responsibility in which I get to have fun. Yet reality is leading me to look at life differently. Instead of wondering when I can be free of responsibility and trying to decide how I can make myself the most happy during that time, maybe I should ask myself how I can have a best attitude with whatever amount of responsibilities I have at the moment. And I'd like to become better at knowing how to use the time I do have; focusing on others or spending time rejuvenating myself. The notion of free time is slowly fading. As it does I hope I become a better person as I don't delusionally cling to something I never had in the first place. Because, when it comes down to it, free time is an illusion.

The Former or the Later?

I'm considering which of two possible versions I like better: "Lets go out a buy that new 60" Flat Screen HDTV I've been saving up for. Oh ya, let's get Cold Stone's Ice Cream on the way home- yummy!" VERSUS "Let's spend my valuable resources I am so lucky to have so I have an excuse to be lazier and waste more time . . . and let's get some ridiculously overpriced ice cream to make me fat while I'm at it!"

Hum, I'm pretty sure there is no debate- I like the former better. But I'm wondering how my world would change if I viewed the later as more accurate.

Adjustment

"You are a beautiful daisy. You have many tiny seeds. They are the future. Your children are your 1st mission field. You are a world changer and a diaper changer . . ."
~A Mothering Friend

I have been marveling that my fingernails are a millimeter long. I don't think they've been that long since I was four. Too busy to bite or pick. Hallelujah.

Today was AMAZINGLY beautiful outside. In general, it has been a wonderful world outdoors. My irises are blooming. It never ceases to amaze me that plants spring up from the ground out of no life and become bright shades of colors. Abet, mostly green. I just love color.

Josiah is a week old today. He did not like his first sponge bath. He is a handsome sleepy little man. But when he is awake he is takes the world in with alertness and softness. I like him a lot. He eats 2-3 hours around the clock, though at night sometimes he will do 3.5 hours. I long for the day when he will sleep through the night.

Avi is handling the new little brother well. She calls him "I-ah" and always tells him "hi" with great amounts of exuberance. She also likes to kiss him (i.e., try to crawl up on, or tackle without grace while extending pouting lips). Yet, she has also been very whinny and more tandtrumish. There is an aspect of jealousy for her mommy and daddy. Actually, she is probably getting more attention in general, though, with both of us at home, and daddy having to take care of her more when I am with "I-ah."

I am healing great, though I have been having alot of neck and back pain and its also difficult to walk or climb stairs. My milk is starting to settle into normalcy, and in general, my body is adjusting much better with this second baby. Josh has been having to stay home, in large part, mainly to help me carry Avi as I can't carry her or Josiah in his carrier. Hopefully my body will continue healing well this week, and I'll start to know how to handle two kids plus the household well enough so that He can go back to working at work.

Emotionally, I haven't been as "well." I was crying every five minutes by day three. Thankfully, the minutes between tears has been growing exponentially, and I do believe I haven't even cried one time today. So far. Thankfully Josh seems to have decided its one of his main goals to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I think I am starting to. We WILL adjust, and we WILL survive, even thrive with two kids! In a few months I'll surely be so ecstatic about how well we are doing that I'll want to become pregnant again, asap! Okay, maybe that last one is more like the light of a train coming to smash me at the end of the tunnel than just the glow of the happy sun. But generally, I think my eyes are starting to focus more on the joy of this life-change as opposed to sleep deprivation and how overwhelming everything feels. Anyways, surely I'll forget that "we WILL adjust" in a couple minutes and start crying again, but hey, its a process.

No Little Man Yet

Today is Friday. The eighth. That, mind you, means it is three days past my due-date. Three days beyond the hoped for day. Three days more of carrying a huge mass inside. Could I get used to being pregnant eternally? Possibly. But it would be far from preferred. Three days might not sound like much. But, if you've been very immensely pregnant before you know how much that is. Avi was two days late, and although she was late, I was in labor from the end of her due date. In otherwords, I knew she was coming. Yet now, although little Johnny John Johnston still could enter this world tonight, I have no clue. I just wait. I wait biggly.

Who lied to us in the first place, declaring pregnancy to be only nine months? They sure seem evil, whoever they are! 40/4 really does equal 10. Ten months, yep. I CAN do math (sometimes). Of course, that isn't exactly counting those funky 5 week months, but who counts those when you are measuring in weeks anyways? They just want us to feel like its less time so we don't go crazy earlier. That way we are already nine months along (36 weeks) before we realize we actually have another month (at least) to go. And by then, the baby could be born at 37 weeks and we think "I can do one just more week!" And then the baby isn't born, so we think, "well, maybe this week...." and then its "well maybe next week..."etc.... Its kinda mean that they give us about 5 weeks we can deliver in. Five whole weeks of uncertainty and hope, of it being just dandy if that baby comes at any time. By the time the due date comes you've been thinking, "heck! I could have had this baby 3 weeks ago already!" Then who in blue blazes is going to want to stick around until week 42? No one! Nadie!

So, of course they will induce me on Monday if he still hasn't appeared. But I do not prefer that. I would prefer his body, my body, and whatever hormones that need to get going to create that perfect cocktail to kick this process into gear. I want those hormones to pour through out my veins crying "May-day, May-day . . . Free little human up! Free big mama up!" Or whatever those hormones say to get this going.

Honestly, there is so much to be thankful for. From having multiple nights left of good sleep, to having more time with my husband, daughter, my mom, and my good friends before baby is born. I have had to rest this week, which has driven me crazy doing so little, but its been good for me. Josh finished his class and final and has been able to not have to worry about that for a few days while baby still hasn't come. I've tried all those natural methods to get little guy out, and he is stubbornly set in (well not caster oil-yuck!). So in the meantime my skills in patience have been forced to grow, along with my trust in God that His timing is better than mine. After all, I probably would have had him at week 37 if it was my choice. So, in the meantime I still wait. I try not to be bitter as I wait. I try to happily wait being content in all situations. Em-hum. Cough. On that note, maybe I should take another walk and eat more pineapple now. Later!


(Video of Avi sliding)

Preggo Update

I am still pregnant. I am trying not to be jealous, as my friend had her baby a week early today. Yesterday, a woman I know had her baby three weeks early (she was due after me). And, another friend of mine might get to have her's early too even though she is due a week after me (although, that is because she might have to get a c-section of which I am really NOT jealous of). I am out! Or probably not, as I will have this baby by the 11th of May at the utmost latest (according to my Doctor). And, it is much more likely I will go before May 5th, as this is my second baby. Really, if I am jealous, I am jealous of possibly two weeks less of being able to sleep through the night. There is no reason I should hurry away my sleep- I love sleep! So thank you God I still haven't had this baby because that means one more night of peace!

I have been feeling very out of sorts all weekend: jittery, heart-pounding, somewhat nauseous, trouble focusing with my eyes (And my mind!), extremely swollen feet/legs (which went away as I laid down a lot), and a slight to extremely bad headache. In case you don't know, these all happen to be the most common symptoms for preclampsia, a high blood pressure issue that happens in pregnancy which is very dangerous. I get symptoms like these with my migraines, too, though, which makes me skeptical I actually have a problem going on. Generally, though, my migraines follow a pattern that is pretty distinguished, unlike how I felt this weekend. So, as to avoid being sent to the hospital to get checked out (which I knew would happen if I called the Dr.), I took my blood pressure at those little booths in the pharmacy sections at grocery stores. It said my blood pressure was higher than typical, but it wasn't crazy. Hence, I continued sleeping or laying down very pathetically most of the weekend.

So, this morning I called the Dr. when the office opened. Sure enough, they wanted to see me. They did the typical tests, the blood pressure, pee-test, checked the baby's heart rate, etc... For the most part, it was all well. But, of course, little did I know but you can still have preclampsia and it only show up in blood work. And besides, I shouldn't be feeling this way, so they should monitor the baby. Hence, despite all my work to avoid the hospital, guess where they sent me? Yep! So, after calling around, finding someone to watch Avi (thank you Becky!) I got to be tested all over again in the hospital the rest of the morning and early afternoon. And, nope, nothing amiss with my blood work and the baby happily kicked its way through an hour of being monitored. Actually, it was somewhat relaxing, which was good because otherwise I surely would have been chasing Avi wishing I could go back to bed. I am not complaining. I am just slightly annoyed I had to go through that for nothing. Conclusion: my blood pressure is a little higher than normal, yet I do not have preclampsia. Take Tylenol and if my headache persists, please call the Doctor again (yey, so we can do the whole process one more time!).

I am still one centimeter dilated and the baby's head is still "whoa! Its right down there, I can feel it!" (according to my nurse practitioner). So, at 38 weeks, I am the same as I was last week, minus the extreme energy and feeling mostly crappy.

Surprise Baby Shower

I must say, I was extremely impressed with the baby shower that was thrown for me this Saturday. I don't think I ever have had a surprise party, so it was a new experience along with just being totally fun. I kept thinking that morning that life was just too good, and that I should appreciate all the goodness I had been blessed with while things still are "good." And that was before the shower!

Josh and I had a great morning together, I got to sleep in, take a shower while Avi was awake, and I just chilled out upstairs with a glass of juice and bowl of strawberries Josh brought me. He purposefully kept me upstairs, and I completely just thought he was being all nice giving me a break from Avilynne. He brought me my journal and Bible just to chill out next to the sunny window to spend time with God. He told me we were going to eat brunch together and he had arranged for Jill to watch Avi. When I eventually came downstairs, I realized we weren't eating brunch at home and kinda wished I did my hair or put on makeup. But, hey, at least I had taken a shower!

I thought it was odd that we were going to drop Avi off a few doors down together, when one of us could wait in the car. And why weren't we locking to house door? He didn't want me leave my purse on the car, even though I figured I could still see it from Jill's doorway. But, hey, I am a risk taker (often needlessly) so I brought my purse with me after all. Jill had me come in, and then I saw a cake and all this delicious food. I was like "Oh my goodness....its a surprise party for me- I think! But I'm here early as there is no one else here." I was then ushered towards the living room and I saw everybody hiding in the corner. They were all happy and I was all embarrassed for some reason while totally thrilled and happy. My initial thoughts were that they invited Abbie, a teenager who I mentor as well as girlfriends who weren't just from church, which I thought was cool. I just was impressed that whoever invited people invited people I'd want to come, not just people from one area of my life.


Anyways, I was starving by this point, and there was an amazing spread of breakfast casseroles, the most awesome sweet french toast (of which everyone was begging Tori for a recipe), strawberries and homemade whipped-cream, and all sorts of other beautiful and delicious foods. It was soooo very "ummy" (as Avi would say)! And then there were all these nice people around me who wanted to talk and be baby-showerishy-girl-like (though not awkward too dressed up baby-showerishy-girl-like). Deborah, Jill and Becky did an awesome job putting it together. There were all these games, from measuring my belly to guessing the time when an ugly plastic doll was "born" (meaning the ice defrosted around it into water), and a questionnaire about me and another one about nursery rhymes. I personally was entertained and I didn't even get to play half of the games : )

Then, of course, there was a massive plethora of presents which I was totally not expecting. Long ago I had come to the conclusion I wasn't going to have a shower, and so have just been assuming I had to get whatever we needed for a boy. It was very happy, though, to receive all these gifts, mostly the type of stuff which I won't buy myself as its not "necessary" such as extremely cute clothing or baby blankets or "rocket" stuff which I was totally impressed people found. I was really surprised by all the gifts I received, and, thankfully, I really liked them too. They were beyond tractors and footballs, to my glee!

Apparently, I had made it pretty difficult on the people putting it together. Deborah moved her car on Saturday morning because she told me she was going to be gone and wouldn't be able to hangout. That was smart on her part because I actually looked for her car to see if she was home and could hangout after all. I went with Becky to Costco on Friday, where she had to pick up the cake. She hid it in her cart, but didn't know how to get it in her car without me seeing it. So, she arranged a whole complicated pick-up with our other friend Amber which seems like it was just too much work to be worth it. That night I was really bored so I hungout at jill and stacy's. Yet, that kept Jill from being able to get anything done like she had wanted to because I was around (really, someone did say I should join them playing rockband, so it wasn't entirely a self-invite). I thought it was weird Deborah came in dropping stuff off, acting odd and freaked out that I was there. She told me she was bring stuff for the Needs Network, which later I noticed was only three pairs of socks. Um....I am pretty sure it doesn't take two trips between our houses for her three pairs of socks.

I was somewhat suspicious because of that. Almost two weeks ago Becky also made a comment to me, trying to keep me from buying diapers. I didn't get why because she was saying maybe people would give them to me. And I said, yes, maybe they would after the baby was born, but I would need diapers ASAP. I was trying to figure out why I should bother counting on someone else to give me diapers who knows when, when I really didn't want to have to stop at a store on the way home from the hospital. She thought I should wait a week before I bought some. I was kinda suspicious then that maybe she was having the other girls in our lunch group do presents or something for me, yet nothing big. But as nothing happened after her comment I had totally given up on the idea. But then on Friday night the possibility that maybe someone was trying to surprise me came up again; this was more so in a way in which I'd just keep my eyes open for other clues. It wasn't something I suspected or expected at all, especially not late Saturday morning.

I really like being surprised. I really enjoy being with people. I love eating good food. I don't mind getting presents in the slightest. I was very impressed by how put together and how nice the shower was, especially with me having no clue and it being put together so close to the end of my pregnancy. In generally I guess you can say I really felt loved by the whole ordeal. And who doesn't like to feel loved? Ahhh....my heart is bursting with affection! Thank you so much, guys!

An Essay on Personalties in Jobs

(Note: The first two paragraphs are "blah, blah, blah" explanations of the theory. Only the last paragraph is personal)

John Holland's theory on personality in the workforce in based on six various categories of people. Holland's hypothesis is that the occupation that best matches our personalities is the one in which we will be the most successful and satisfied at. He also believes that we each tend to choose the occupation that best matches our personalities.

To summarize the six personalities, firstly, there is the Realistic Type which is aggressive, physical, and has low interpersonal skills (taking jobs such as a mechanic or repairman). There is also the Investigative Type (abstract, thinking, enjoying challenging tasks, and low in social skills such as a scientist); there is the Artistic Type (an example being a graphic artist as they prefer to be unstructured, have individualized activity, and are often asocial) and there is the Social Type (people-loving, needing attention, dislikes ordered activity, and chooses services jobs such as education). Lastly there are the Enterprising Type and the Conventional Type; the former likes to be in charge, organizes, and leads such as a manager or entrepreneur. The later could be an office assistant as they like subordinate roles, guidelines, and are precise (Boyd and Bee; 105-106).

If you want, here is a short free online version of the Holland Code Test (Which helps categorize your work personality based on how you answer the questions): http://www.roguecc.edu/counseling/HollandCodes/test.asp

I thought Holland's theory made a lot of sense as I read through the personality types. My electrical engineer husband fit the Investigative Type personality perfectly; then I read that they are often engineers. Go figure! He is extremely satisfied in his career. I, on the other hand, often find myself doing Conventional Type jobs which I am normally very unfulfilled as a person in, so much so that when offered a Conventional Type job position recently I refused it although I knew I could do it just fine. I love doing art, yet I can't handle being alone in it. This is because my work personality is firstly the Social Type (then secondly Artistic); I often do not feel fulfilled and content in life unless I purposefully add large doses of unscheduled human interaction to my day, especially if its helping or teaching people. In my current job as a "Domestic goddess and World Changer" (my title according to my business card, at least) I often find myself doing work which fits in most of these categories; there is basic housework and chores (Realistic), dealing with paperwork and schedules (Conventional), managing those in my household and groups I am involved with (Enterprising), and all types of unstructured creativity for various reasons (Artistic). Yet, unless I am doing things that fall into the Social Type of job personality, I am normally discontent and unmotivated to work. Thereby I tend to be more unsuccessful in what I do than being successful at it. I guess I agree with Holland's theory, then. I can do many types of work, and when it is my responsibility I will try to do my best at being faithful in whatever job I have. Yet, I am most successful and most satisfied doing jobs which are the "Social type"or at least artistic in nature, due to who I am as the person God made me to be.

Imbalanced Unbalancement

I know at times I appear to despise my life in Northern Virginia. And other times I act fully engrossed and happy with it. Rather, its generally neither, not at least fully. I am happy often. I hate it often. Sometimes I am content and sometimes I am not. My melody is one of contradiction.

Recently, I realized, I don't think its so much a hate or an enjoyment of my life here which is worth considering. Those are just the emotions I feel at the moment depending on how my life is pushing or pulling or just sitting here. I think in reality the deeper force is not so much what I feel but how balanced I am. There's the rub.

I am a firm believer in balance. Yoga lovers, PHD holders, Pastor Mike and Jimmy down at the bar, would probably all describe 'balance' differently. Even so, I think most of us feel or at least get out of control when we are unbalanced. And I venture to say, most of us are unbalanced, extremely so in many a case. I generally consider 'balance' not doing too much of one thing and too little of another. I think one should exercise their brain (not sitting watching TV all day). I think people should know what they feel, especially as it almost always effects their actions. I believe its good to eat healthy food, sleep enough, feel well and take walks and such (although being physically fit is often lowest on my priorities because I take my health for granted). I think its important to have relationships, and healthy to have alone time (Yes, even though I am an extrovert I still value alone time). And most importantly, I know the spiritual side of me needs that void constantly filled by a relationship with God, which helps everything else fall into line.

I, I am not balanced. There are many ways in which I see I am unbalanced in my life, and maybe I'll go into those another time. But yes, I think this explains a lot about my rantings and ravings. I am unbalanced. And as such, I am often discontent.

Snow Day Video (and other happenings this week)

Avi played in the snow this week, our first really big snow storm. Go figure, she likes to eat snow. Very very cold snow. I do too, I understand. Snow is almost as good as ice, but it doesn't crunch enough. I did lie though, this video is from a week ago, not this week. And this video is actually really bad, too. I was very excited about putting up a video, but the one I really really wanted to put up was too long. So, this one will have to do.



I am now a little over 26 weeks pregnant. Although the morning sickness, viruses and mono are all gone (Thank You God!), it seems back and lower ligament pain has taken its place. Little did I ever know that I had ligaments oh way down there, but apparently baby johnston has taken it upon himself to stretch those out as much as he is able. At least that's what my OBGYN says is what is happening, though it seems so much more severe than that. How kind of my baby to do that for me. Thankfully, everything else is well, as far as I know. I go to the Dr. next week and I get another ultrasound, so maybe I'll update you again then.

As for myself, I have been fighting hard against not living in a depressed pit. It seems I've been pounded on by a mix of hormones, winter, feeling like I am not having enough time with people I need to spend time with, and just getting frustrated about how nothing I get involved in seems to work out which mixes into a toxic combination of meaninglessness. So, that's been my irksome struggle of late, which, too often has gotten the best of me.

On a positive note, I am looking forward to going on a weekend adventure with Josh to NYC. He has never been there and it has been one of our hopes we'd get a chance to check it out together while on the East Coast. We are taking one of the Chinatown buses (35$ roundtrip) to Times Square and crashing with a childhood friend of Josh's who lives in Manhattan. Our housemate, Deborah, has insanely offered to watch Avi for the weekend as she wants to feel what its like, being a full-time mom. And she kindly wants to give us a break before baby #2 is born. Cheers to "Deb-Deb," though I am not too sure she really will appreciate acting out the favor she is doing for us while actually doing it. This is my first time away from Avi overnight (2 nights), so I am hoping I'll do O.K. (note, I am not worried about Avi, but myself!)

Flexibility 1,2.3!

Flexible, I am not. I feel like my body would like to shut itself down into a state of Rigamordis. Maybe thats just what happens with age. Have you ever seen a Dr. with a newborn? They take their legs, pushing them up frog-legged, and start flapping them up and down like a chicken's wings. When we saw Avi's pediatrician do that to her the first time, I almost started screaming at him thinking he was about to crack her hips. Amazingly, he didn't. 'Cause babies, I guess, can just do that. He would have broken my pelvis. I would have not been happy. I, apparently, am NOT as flexible as a baby. Maybe that's because I am filled with baby. Baby likes to hang out as low as he can go, to my chagrin. Being pregnant already throws my back off, but of late bending or standing awhile also makes me feel like my pelvis will crack, which makes me fear I will just split open at some point doing the dishes or something innocent like that. Its not terrible, but it is uncomfortable.

Also I am physically extremely inflexible right now, today I had the pleasure of being flexible in life. Although I might often not consider this to be a "pleasure," today it was. I wasn't really too sure what would happen with my day, but I had spent time with God and just knew it was His day that I got to live in. I went to the chiropractor, having conversations with my Dr. and his receptionist both, people whom I've known a long time and have had some great discussions with. The study I lead that day was cancelled, and instead I found myself driving home not really knowing what to do. I drove by a friend's house, whom I just knew I should visit. In all honestly, I really didn't want to visit her. Yet, I pushed that aside, made a U-turn and stopped in to say hi. It turns out she just found out her husband shattered his elbow and she had to meet him at the emergency room. So, not only did we have a good conversation, but I was able to help her out by watching her kid for a bit. I was then able to bring dinner to a friend of mine who just had a baby and hopefully cheer her up. I honestly don't remember more of my day, but one thing I wanted to say before I didn't believe it anymore was......how thankful I am to be able to be flexible. That I don't have a 9-5 job, that I have resources without working myself, that I can just kinda follow what is best and make a difference in the world. Sometimes being flexible bugs the heck out of me, plans being ruined and such. Or even worse, not having any direction whatsoever, or knowing what to do. But, when I let go of my day and was just available to be there for others, it was great. Not being in control can also be good.

Home Again!

We have arrived at our NOVA home once again after an almost two week vacation. By the end of the first week I was thinking I was ready to come home. Yet sticking it out for another day or two threw me into my "I live from a suitcase" mode and I went into thinking that I didn't actually have a stable home. Its kinda like how animals revert into hibernation although it is nothing like hibernation. I'd call it "Hobo-mode" except that reminds me of the name of a computer program. Anyways, by the time we started on our way back I was mostly incredulous that we have a place to live. Walking into our front door was even weirder. I was sure I had never lived in a place that looked like it, let alone put together by me to look the way our home does. Or maybe it was because our house was spectacularly clean (thanks to Deborah and family!) and the floor was unusually toy-free.

Josh helped me visualize our Christmas vacation through a Google-Earth lens. Zooming into various locations throughout Michigan and then out again, seeing the people, personalities and activities in each place really helps you mentally capture how small our worlds really are in the grand-scheme of the world. And now I am zoomed back into my Northern Virginia world, where I shop at the same stores, drive the same circuit and often talk to the same people. Its all rather odd, really. It seems trite. Yet, this blog entry is not to discuss my thoughts and feeling since being back (although, in case you couldn't tell that's REALLY what I actually want to be writing about now). I figured its only fair to give a brief overview of our trip first, as some have been asking.

Firstly, we had an amazingly easy trip to Harbor Beach, MI. Avilynne was an angel on the 10+hr. drive in between two snow/ice storms the Saturday before Christmas.

We stayed in Harbor Beach with Josh's adoptive family, the Hill family whom he went on a missions trip to Guatemala with when he was a teenager. Since then he has enjoyed spending the holidays with them when he can, and I was able to enjoy the experience. And no, I am not just saying I enjoyed it because I know they might be reading this, but I really did. It was fun, relaxing, connecting and all those good things. They might have adopted Avilynne even more effectively than they adopted Josh. And I am pretty sure Avilynne adopted their cat, to Waffle's chagrin. I learned how to play Aggravation, we made snowmen (and women and pigs), had some jam sessions and I received a plethora of Christmas presents from Josh (to my amazement). The week went by quickly (as all good weeks must go).

After I had officially convinced my wise family (who learns from previous experience) that this time, really, we really really weren't coming to visit......the weather cleared up and we decided to see the Fox family (my aunt, uncle and cousins) in the Upper Peninsula. The trip to the arctic wasn't as nice as the one to the Hill's. There was terrible fog all the way there, equal to a good-day's fog on the central coast. Much of the time you couldn't see a few car lengths in front of us. Avilynne also thought it was a good idea to stay awake when very tired, so she wasn't the most pleasant child. But we made it, and once again we had a lovely time. I am pretty sure its impossible to not have a lovely time in the UP, no matter how cold it is. The people are just to great (along with the REAL Mackinaw Island Fudge Ice Cream). Of course I always delight in spending insane amounts of time with Brittany, my fair maiden, whether in deep conversation or just laying around together. I'm pretty sure she was the only one who said anything of value, because I only remember jibber-jabbing about really important things like depilatory cream at 2 a.m. and wondering why I didn't really have much more to say. Anyways, it was still superb.

On the 30th, we finally got into our car to leave around 5pm and very bravely attempted to make it to Kalamazoo, to Josh's grandparents that night. It was snowing and not so nice of a drive, but we did get there at 2am or so. We stopped for a nice anniversary dinner in some ski-resort looking bay town. It reminded me of a frozen Santa Barbara, and I think I might like to check it out at day-time someday. The time with Josh's grandparents was short, but good. We were also able to see some of his extended family, cousins, aunts, and other relatives whom are somehow relatives as they had a New Year's get-together while we were there.

On New Year's Eve we drove to a Detroit Suburb were we hung out with the Hill family and their extended family for their annual awesome shindig. We were able to see another good friend of ours there, which was sweet. Although we didn't stay at the party until the ball dropped, it was more than well-worth going to.

Lastly, we stayed at this amazing hotel that night. Josh was trying to surprise me, staying at the same Victorian Inn we stayed at last year for our anniversary. Instead we stayed at the Victorian Inn right next door (which was yellow instead of pink). Yet this hotel too was also awesome; the biggest difference being that we traded a full-body massage chair (pink hotel) for a fireplace (yellow hotel). I'm a sucker for huge hot tubs, so I was without doubt a happy camper that night in luxury. I am pretty sure if I become rich someday I will get a massive hot tub before I give the rest of my money to the poor. Because, of course, I am noble like that. Its a nice thought, anyways.

Then we came home.

Okay, for all of you who skipped reading the above description, just look at this map and all your questions will be answered. Maps are sorta like genies. They answer questions, sadly just not with the phrase "Your wish is my command."

Johnston News

1.) Avi not only still likes to play in toilet water, but she can also now successfully lift the toilet seat (to my dismay).

2.) Baby #2 is kicking and rocking inside. I have actually forgotten how far along I am exactly, but I have been feeling movement since week 16, the earliest possible.

3.) Avi is getting better at walking and she can also officially climb down the stairs as well as go up them. Yeppie! Oh, the wonderful mobile world!

4.) Josh seems to be constantly moving and going, traveling often for work to the Chesapeake Bay, or sometimes he is a little luckier, such as going to FL last week. All to say, I am rightly jealous that he gets to see, go out on and at least have the opportunity to enjoy salt-water. Its rather not fair, as I am the one who loves the ocean, though his pictures and google-earth GPS locator I at least am in touch with the water through some form of media/technology.

5.) Late next week I have my mid-pregnancy ultrasound. As many know, this is THE ultrasound, the one everyone always waits and pines for. We can officially find out the baby's sex. Last time we thoroughly enjoyed not knowing the baby's sex and frustrating you all to no extent, making you guess and be annoyed. Besides it was a ton of fun hearing "its a girl" when Avi came out. Honestly, I am afraid that if we find out what the baby's sex is, then it won't be thrilling or exciting at all when the baby actually is born. My friends tell me this is silly, but I really don't see how it can be thrilling when you know what your having. Of course, maybe that's even more of a reason for me to find out what we are having, so then I can be proven wrong. All to say, Josh is letting me decided if I want to know or not in advance. As typical for a decision of this 'caliber', I cannot decide and I often find myself going over the pro's and con's. Currently I am leaning towards finding out the baby's sex. This is probably because I have been somewhat rather wanting a boy; its an expectation I do not want to carry with me into the delivery room. Besides, if it is a boy, then I can plan for it. Is it possible that is its a girl I can keep it a secret and if its a boy I can know now? That would be ideal! But I guess that just doesn't work since its pretty much a 50/50 thing. Hum. Any comments?

6.) My news of today is that my Dr. called confirming that I have mono, you know the "kissing disease" (or whatever we called it in high school). Isn't that delightful? I got it from our housemate who we think is just getting over it (don't worry, we weren't kissing- at least not like that *wink*). So, this explains why I wake up every morning with a sore throat, still need almost 12 hours of sleep a day in my 2nd trimester, why I have swollen lymph nodes and why I still can't knock off sickness in general (which I've pretty much had some form of sickness since the last week of September). So I am actually not really surprised (or even disturbed) by the news. In fact, if anything I am happy that I have finally been diagnosed with something. This is because a lot of my life I haven't been diagnosed for something when something has often seemed "wrong," so this time I am glad to know I am not a hypochondriac and at least there is some distinction (so therefore I am allowed to not feel well and don't have to pretend that nothing is wrong). If I understand correctly, mono doesn't have a particular treatment and it doesn't effect the baby in me (and Avi shouldn't be able to catch it), so I'm guessing it won't be a life-altering problem until it fades down. I just hope for Josh's sake I haven't given it to him.

7.) Lastly, news wise, I came to the conclusion that I am overall

• Content
• Doing a lot
• But still "being" as my identity

In other words, this is where I often have hoped to find myself for many years. I think I am maybe getting better at not having to define my self-worth with what I do. I've been realizing this as I had a profound revelation that I "do" a ton, a massive amount actually. I am involved in a ton of stuff which surprised me to acknowledge that. But the distinction is that I am not aware of it. It isn't a stressor, it isn't what I live for. Its more so I am living life, and I'm pretty content living life, doing what I do or not doing those things. For those of you not like me, this might make no sense why this is an amazing thing. Yet for some of you, you know exactly what I mean. Anyways, I hope I can continue down the road of contentment with life the way life is and where I am in it.

The Not So Brave Me In the NOVA World

Sometimes I wonder about my friends, my life, my place. My husband has been pretty sick recently, going to bed before nine, skipping out on life because he is too out of it. I also have been sick, but as its carried on for a good four weeks now, I have been trying to do stuff while sick as otherwise I go stir crazy (unless I just sleep constantly, which I actually think I could pull off). I don't really think I hide behind my husband when it comes to social stuff. I just prefer his presence as a safe person to return to when there is no one else to talk to at the big party, I always have a guaranteed seat next to him, and its just nice to have someone to enter the room with you (making you feel like your not alone). I guess those are some of the nice benefits of being married, of which I am thankful for. I am generally pretty outgoing but I still have those brief moments of "What if I feel alone? Panic!", and therefore like to have a comfort zone of people I know I am safe with when I feel unsafe.

So though I am trying to be more brave and be okay by myself in the NOVA World with older, more experienced, more knowledgeable, and more educated people than me . . . I am still practicing.

Example: Sunday I went out to lunch with people after church. It was pretty much a bad experience. Maybe I'll tell you a little more about it in my next blog entry, but for now I'll just say this part. I was there long before anyone else, and was beginning to think that they changed the location without telling me. In reality, they just took a longer than normal time to clean up and get there. Since I was first, I chose a spot that wasn't the best, but I thought it was a guarantee that I wouldn't sit alone. Ya right. Somehow in large groups things like that just don't always work out. They were freaked out there wouldn't be enough space, so little clumps of people saved other tables, and my large one was sporadic with people, with no one near me. I generally know everyone loves me. Yep. They are my family. But they didn't feel like my family. No one wanted to sit next to me (Or maybe I should more honestly say that no one bothered to). I had been rather depressed that weekend and no one asked me how I was. It was annoying, because I really try to do that for other people (or at least I think I do), so that they don't sit alone and have someone they can talk with. But apparently my efforts don't go both ways. Finally another lady sat near me, whom I was excited about because I think she is generally lonely and I was hoping to maybe make her feel accepted. In turn, before I could move next to her, a couple who is pretty much impossible for me to have a conversation with sat down across from me because there was no where else for them to sit. I felt bad, because then I couldn't move next to the lady I wanted to without being rude to them. But I felt bad for them because I wasn't exactly the best person suited to make them feel welcome themselves, and I am sure they didn't. As I thought they would, though I tried multiple awkward conversations attempts, they all failed. Then, my good friend who I was aware was pretty depressed sat on the other side of my baby. She also tried awkward conversation with those across from us though I knew she really didn't want to talk, she was just trying to be brave herself. She was trying to be brave with people she know are her "family" but don't always feel like it. All to say, the people I did want to try to talk with, her, and the other lady, were too far away in that busy loud room so we couldn't actually hear eachother. I mean, there was some good too. A friend of mine knew I wasn't doing well and tried to make me feel better, but he couldn't really hang around me as it probably wouldn't be best. And my pastor took my daughter from me, which was pretty nice of him. And though I am glad I didn't go home, and feel depressed there instead, It wasn't a great experience.

Example Two: So, outside of this church experience, there is my neighborhood experience. I love my neighborhood. I love the community we have here which was probably the biggest reason we wanted to move here. But honestly, I feel like I have an amazingly hard time fitting in. I look at the other families who don't fit into the "click" of neighbors I am with, and I kinda feel sorry for them. How would they get into this 'wonderful' click? Is there a hazing ceremony I was unaware of that they can do? I am in the click by default, because we are best friends with some of the people in it. If it wasn't for that though, I wonder how many of those people would have ever said hi to me. So often I can't get beyond any small talk, and the small talk really doesn't last long. I pretty much seem to have nothing in common with any of them, which is why. I get a long best with the men, but all I can pretty much do is ask about their work, which runs dry. They don't ever ask me anything, which doesn't surprise me. I could be the most famous artist or write New York Times Bestsellers, and they wouldn't know. The women I can talk with about kids. Yet their kids are all a lot older, and well, how long can you talk about kids? Or maybe I should say, how long do I have enough patience to talk about kids? Especially when I don't think any of us really want to talk that much about them. Okay, its not only people with kids. I'd probably fare better if I could actually play a sport. But I can't, and because of that I really don't add much to the neighborhood except a cute baby who makes all the kids go "ahhhh." Yes, I am sounding pretty pessimistic. Yes, we like hanging out with our neighbors, heck, we went on vacation with them! I just don't know how to get past those walls, and just everything else that makes me feel like I have a huge sign on my forehead that says "I don't belong here just in case it wasn't obvious already."

Tonight someone in the neighborhood is throwing a party, an adult-only party. I was hoping on going, but as the person who invited me never actually officially invited me, it was kinda awkward to plan on going. Last night that finally got cleared up (though I guess somewhat awkwardly through my friend who was like, "Hey, weren't you going to ask them to come? You never actually did!"). But as I was never really invited, I was never told what time it was, or the more important detail that it is a costume party. All to say, by the time it finally has come about, with my husband and I being sick, he went to bed. I don't feel well, but I kinda want to go. Technically I could walk two doors down and go right now. But then I couldn't find a costume. And just thinking about going to that party by myself is one of those things that I can't seem to overcome in my mind. I really wish Josh was awake and would go with me. But as Stacy said, it is pretty much ZERO probability that after he is asleep he will go anywhere with me : ) If I went alone It would be fine. I'd probably have a lot of awkward small talk. I'd eat a few things, drink some sugary soda or something else bad for me while I am sick (or a fuzzy navel, which is bad for me when pregnant). I might have fun. I'd try to hum some Rockband songs which I can't sing now as my singing-voice is pretty much non-existent with this cold. I could always sit next to stacy and jill if all else fails and they would get stuck being my "social comfort zone" because I just don't fit in. So, I could have gone and still could go and be fine. In fact, I am kinda mad and unhappy that I am not. I mean going shows that I care about people in this neighborhood, that I want to be a part and give my part. It might be meaningful, which I hate missing out on. But, honestly, I have no energy to be a fake me hiding all that is real and deep down inside because people just don't get me because I am not like them.

And maybe thats the thing that gets me so yucky about living with these relationships in NOVA. Is that I feel forced to not be me. Not because people are making me not be me. Maybe its just because I am beyond what is normal and they don't have a paradigm to fit me in. Which isn't bad, its just the part outside the paradigm is ignored because its not understood. And hence, I feel like I am fake because only the tip of my iceberg is being spoken too, whereas the rest lies underneath dying to break free and be recognized as existing. Or you could even say though I would love to be real with those around me, they don't want that because that is something they don't know how to deal with. Its like the time I had a conversation with a person who had just taught on being real with people. The person asked me how I was, and I said I was terrible. They were totally shocked by my answer and changed the subject right away. Hence, a lesson is learned that even if people want you to feel like you can be real, they really don't know how to handle it. I wonder if I do the same to others.

Anyways, in this week I have had one successful example where I kept going and trying even when it sucked, and another which I didn't fail at because I didn't even try it out. Maybe next week I'll be braver. Or maybe not. I'm still practicing.

Tribute to Grandma Skies and Living Jesus

Yuck, sometimes I feel so grossed by my non-love. I am such a selfish person. I don't think I act like a child of the Father. I don't think I show love. I just read 1 John 3, and go figure, it was immensely convicting. How often do I "live in Him?" There is verse after verse about how when you become God's child you will stop sinning. Considering I am a bit too professional at being selfish, automatically I start wondering how I am God's child. Its kinda like a kid realizing for the first time they don't look like their parents or anyone else in the family . . . I guess I'm adopted.

Yesterday at my Grandma's memorial service the pastor was talking about how Grandma was not her normal self at the end of her life. She was focused on getting her orange sherbet, RC Cola, and that "Fat Free Skim Milk" was a redundant title. She became more determined, impatience, self-focused, hard in understanding logic, and even her personality changed to a degree. This impart was due to her strokes, losing brain-matter. I also think people automatically revert into self-focused behavior when their physical body seems threatened. Its like a survival mode that humans seem to switch into when they are hurt, sick, tired, pmsed, and other abnormal states of being. They might be themselves, but not always their most pleasant, life-giving selves. The pastor was saying he became frustrated with Grandma as she wasn't getting his logic. Then the idea came to him to appeal to her "spirit," the child of God, the person who has become "fixed," forgiven, and alive in God. So he sang a song with her about focusing on God. Go figure, she changed, she became peaceful and God focused.

I guess that kinda stood out to me. We are in this constant battle inside ourselves that Paul describes, doing what we don't want to do and not able to do what we hope to do. We have a part of us that is so human in a physical body that is dying. But God said He has changed our spirit, overlooking, and wiping away our selfish nature so we can become like Him.

Another thing the pastor said at my Grandma's memorial service was that my her life was about Jesus. In honesty, sometimes I was pretty unsatisfied with my interaction with my Grandma. She was so proud of her family, though in a good way. She would often brag about me to my cousins and brag about my cousins to me. I had the feeling that she never cared more than just to find more information to be proud of. I guess you could say I didn't have the personal relationship I wish I had with her. Yet in retrospect, that was undoubtedly outweighed by the things about her that were just amazing. There are plenty of things I remember about her: making us cousins matching clothing, babysitting us (and saving my life), camping, public display of personal, um, stuff, walking in the rain, and singing "Tell Me Why." But what really stands out to me was her faith. If no one else in the world had faith, she still did. She started churches. Started and lead Bible studies. She actually would pray for people, intensely, regularly. She watched the world news to pray for current events. She loved to worship God; to sing about Him and tell about how awesome He is to others. Her conversations, letters, and thoughts would always shortly lead back to being about Jesus. She lived for Him. Energy or no energy, able to do things or not, she continually maintained a relationship with Jesus and followed Him. I'm sure she struggled in life, I know she made unwise decisions that hurt herself and others in her life time. She wasn't perfect. But her life was about Jesus. Whether religious or anti-religious, it is impossible to deny that her life was entwined in her belief about her personal Lord.

On that note, of course, I was wondering what people would say about me if I died now. I think I might have an idea about what my family would say, or my friends in CA or other places around the globe. But I wonder what people would say among those who live where I do now, in the D.C. area. Yes, people would know I was a Christian. But would they really say my life was about Jesus? That I was fully alive? I've been thinking a lot about what my life back home looks like and in some ways I think it is very trite. Valuable, fun, and often meaningful. But too often it is satisfied with something less than I believe my life should contain. For once I am not saying this because I am not content. I am saying this because I am where I should be (location) but I don't live like I should. I don't live wrong, I just don't live to the fullest. By the fullest I am not referring to "doing" more either. But really investing in my relationship with Jesus and my relationships with others. No wonder so often I am not content. I often let spiritual laziness and selfishness rule while I live a 'wonderful' American life. Even though I am a Christian and try to follow Jesus, I let the dead part of me live a little too much. After meditating on my Grandma's life I am convinced I want her legacy to live on: I want to live Jesus.

Recipe for Contentment

"Yet true religion with contentment is great wealth." 1Tim6:6

I must say, I love this. Not only does it have a nice ring to it, but it also alludes a plethora of wisdom from a father to his son. If it wouldn't look so awkward framed by my front door, I just might put it there. Especially as it seems that being discontent is more than a struggle with me, it even borders on being a vice. Which is a rather unbecoming vice, at that. I like to blame my discontentedness that often controls me on living in Northern Virginia as opposed to in Asia, Europe, or California for that matter. Yet my true colors show and I suspect I would be discontent anywhere. That might not be entirely true, maybe I would be more content doing something else in a different environment. I am sure, though, that this thorn is a matter of the heart and not the location.

"Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in their troubles, and refuse to let the world corrupt us." James1:27

Here is another beloved quote that I believe the former must be read in tandem with. I can rant and rave about what religion looks like today, and whether it should or not. But beyond what is in front of me is my own soul for this to be tattooed on. I love this. It is such a different view, something that makes me crave religion if this is what pure religion really is. I have the feeling that my activist friends might say the same.

The reason I wonder whether I would be content somewhere else really comes down to if I am always craving new environments or if I really believe I could practice true/pure religion within a different environment better (and therefore I'd be content). Deep in my mind, I suspect, there is some truth to both of these, and some falsehood too. If the recipe for contentment is Jesus' "Life to the Fullest" (which it surely must be), what exactly is the recipe for that? Pure religion?