In Search of the Refugee Resettlement Office

Today I tried to carry out an ambitious idea that I had last Sunday, June 20th, on Refugee Awareness Day. I got the kids ready, looked up information about the nearby refugee programs, and took off. It didn't matter that I didn't know their office hours and no one was answering the phone. Yet, luckily, while on my way, I was smart enough to call multiple times before I actually went too far. To my disappointment, no one ever answered the phone. I made a few pit stops, hoping to eventually hear from them. Finally I recognized I probably shouldn't drive out to their main office in Arlington without at least knowing if they were open.

So, I guess this adventure will have to be completed some other time. I wonder if what it will end up being. Will we end up donating things? Or will it be more of a commitment, helping someone learn English? Or maybe our church's ministry, L2F Needs Network can adopt a refugee family. At least I can explore the options, right?

Maybe you guys can hold me accountable to following through with one of my many ideas!

Problem Solving: Scrabble, Relationships, and Cars

Yes, I realize the terms within this post are a little weird. I blame that on my applied psychology textbook. Yes, I know that its odd I am talking about a guy jumping out of a burning skyscraper. Really, it wasn't my idea. This post is responding to a specific prompt; it is a discussion essay I wrote for my current class, focusing on business psychology. I was really bored writing it, so I tried to liven it up a little bit with some scenarios which made it somewhat more entertaining for me. Besides, my professor asked for some real-world examples : )

Problem solving is a basic skill that ideally would be carried out by everyone, yet making healthy decisions is not always the order of the day. Many only rely on intuition to solve problems, which can actually be a great thing, if the experiences we have had in the past have built up our intuition to make healthy decisions. If a man jumped out of a skyscraper which was on fire, later contributing his survival to what he learned in business school, what he would be referring to would be the set of decision making skills he obtained in school.  The way he responded in the crisis was by learning to view the need to make quick decisions as a catalyst, rather than resorting to emotions as the guiding factor. Responding to crisis, not considering the fire as a stressful situation, yet instead as an exciting opportunity to strategically think through is what he learned was most important. Possibly, after making good decisions in times past, he wired his intuition to act in a way which then saved his life.

The man who jumped out of the skyscraper learned a multi-step process to filter problems through. In our everyday life, beyond just in times of crisis, we can use the same set. For example, imagine you are playing

the game Scrabble. First, you recognize the problem scenario: you are challenged to put a seven letter word, beginning with the letter "z," in a spot which gives you triple-word score, yet somehow connects to the word "bubble." The second step is to analyze the cause or underlying factors of the problem:  you want to win the game so that you will not lose a $50 bet to your Uncle Bobby-Joe who does not believe you can win an English-language game after studying Japanese abroad for the past three years.  The next step in solving the problem is searching for creative alternatives. So, while your Uncle Bobby-Joe is guzzling down his coffee, you take your letter tiles, place them in front of you, and scramble them into every possible formation. You can make zroidbe, zoirlde, and zoudire (which you note, are not words). Then you discover you can connect to a "b" while arranging your letters just so.  You can make "zebroid," which is a word (you remember a tour guide explaining that this is what you call the offspring of a zebra and a horse).  You choose this word, making a decision, and then implement it, by setting the tiles down on the board. After, you evaluate your decision, which you found agreeable, as it gave you enough points to win the game and get an addition $50 in pocket-cash.

This above example might seem silly, yet even when we play games we make decisions. On a more serious note, many people might go through the same process when trying to overcome a difficulty in an estranged relationship, whether it be a spouse, a parent, or a friend. In this case recognizing what the problem is can be much more challenging, as there are often multiple problems. Even after journaling or going to counseling to analyze the root causes of the problems you have been having with whomever, knowing what to do about it can be just as challenging, if not more so. There are many other factors that can influence your decision such as your value system (such as, you don't believe in divorce), your knowledge (communication techniques), emotional intelligence (you feel so hurt or angry its hard to not be swayed by these feelings), personality, creativeness, and the politics surrounding the relationship.  Even after weighing the pros and cons, and making a choice to try to reconcile the relationship, then you have to take the step. This step can be the hardest, as implementing a decision can require a lot of strength, time, resources and energy, let alone sometimes it requires help. Lastly, once again, you can evaluate the decision, whether it was the best thing for to continue this relationship, even if it required a lot of sacrifice.

The important actions we must take in having a successful ability to make good decisions is the ability to analyze, whether it be really spending time discovering what the problem is, or really thinking through possible solutions. In another life scenario, a decision I have been questioning for awhile, is what car should we buy and how and when should we buy it. As I am a creative person, also known as a dreamer or visionary, thinking of creative alternatives is one of my strong points. Creative people tend to make the most of problems in which the sky is the limit, but in this case, the boundary for creative alternatives is more like the size of a small cottage, if not confining cage.  I cannot invent a new method of buying a car, let alone have the
skill to invent my own car. Also, another factor I struggle with is being easily influenced. I care a lot about being diplomatic and am always aware of inter-relational dynamics (political considerations). As I am a people-pleaser, I often don't want to make a decisions that might influence another, wanting them to be as happy with me as possible. This can cause me to worry that making the ethnic dinner, involving a combination of new flavors, might not be everyone else's favorite, and therefore I allow my level of emotional intelligence to hinder my decision to create. In the case of getting a car, I want my husband to be perfectly satisfied with whatever car we get, and I want it to be a good fit for our kids in addition just to the pros and cons I already am analyzing. I have been researching types of cars and their reviews from various sources, in addition to learning about how to get the best deal when buying a car new, used, down, or with a loan (and from where to get a loan). I often find myself overwhelmed by so much information that I experience analysis paralysis, in which I can't make a decision because there is too much information to accurately process. Even so, I am sure I will be able to make a better decision than I would otherwise, without taking everything into consideration, even if I am not convinced that it is "perfect." The one thing I learned from this section in our material was that I do not need to be indecisive as I am already well-equipped to make good decisions, thanks to my past experiences and the decision making process I already typically use. Instead of letting stresses, crises, time-constraints, emotions, too much information, or placing too much value on what everyone else might prefer affect my decisions, I should just enjoy the opportunities I have to solve problems, being energized as I let myself be creative in making decisions. Not surprisingly, this makes me feel a little more relaxed.

DuBrin, A. (2004). Applying psychology: Individual and organizational effectiveness (6^th Ed.). Upper Saddle River: Pearson / Prentice Hall.

Avi's Phraseology

Her new phrase of the past couple days has been "Where is kitty? Where did kitty go? I don't know!" and says it over and over again in her cute, hard to understand way.

Today when leaving Josh's friends' home, Josh asked me a question. I said "Oh, I don't care." In the backseat Avi pipped up "I care. I CARE. I CARE!!!" It was so funny; we had no clue she was even listening, why she said that, or that she even knew those words! She regularly comes up with phrases like this that send us reeling. Or, depending, we must attempt to hide our laughter so she won't be offended, confused, or be commended for something bad.

Here is another one: We had a fire going which made a popping noise, as fires do. She looked at us and declared "Fire burped! Fire, it burped!" (Please note, she also calls farting "burping." So I guess that would be a 'butt burp'? Or as she calls it, a bum. So, a 'bum burp'!).

She often jumps up and down declaring "I did it!" and "I made it!" when accomplishing minor or major, good, or not so good, feats. I credit this to my dad, her 'grampy,' who taught her how to play her fun, beloved, "mawn-key" (monkey) game on his iPhone.

When she wants to show us herself, she says "I'm me!" which she then repeats over and over again. Tonight she wrapped a towel around her waist, which I can only guess made her feel like a little princess. Either that, or she was reminiscent of the glories of taking a bath. Whatever it made her feel, she wanted us to take part in her excitement. Josh kept trying to teach her to add in "look at" but she just didn't really get it. So, if you her a little voice saying "I'm me" over and over, it really is a statement of more than just self-awareness. Its more of a 'everybody else be aware of me.'

When my parents came to visit at Thanksgiving, Avi could only say "tanks" for "thank you." We were content with that, as it was a major step-up to actually be vocalizing anything when she previously only would use baby-sign language to communicate this phrase. Yet, my dad quickly got her to say "thank you." So now she makes us melt by saying "Tank-you daddy" and "Tank-you mommy." Its one of those amazingly precious phrases that makes me think of the Grinch that Stole Christmas. How? Well, "The Grinch's heart grew 3 sizes that day . . ." and the picture that accompanies this quote must be exactly what happens to my heart each time I hear her speak her gratitude. Is this why I am a parent?

As the parental units, I am generally referred to as "mom-mom" or "mommy" while Josh is "Daddy." Sometimes we are loved and needed. Yet, other times she likes us to go away. Her "Moove mommy" has been a new one (which needs to be tempered). But we secretly laugh when she tries to push us away, saying this, so she can resume hiding under her blanket, or in the cupboard so she can secretly suck on Josiah's "pass"(pacifier) or take care of her business. The other day she didn't want to go home, so I tried to bribe her with being able to see Josh. Although this normally works, this time she replied with "no, no daddy" and a few minutes later she added to this with "no, no titol" (tickle) multiple times.

She rarely outright says "no!" anymore. I am so grateful for this as when she previously did so it made me crazy. Now she always says "no, no" as if she is wagging a finger at her students in her one-room school house.

She continues to call Josiah "buddy" though she also refers to him as "Boder" (brother). Others are generally "People." A few weeks back she used her classic phrase, as she does countless times throughout the day, "wat is TAT?" while pointing to a group of kids in a parking lot. I told her that those were teenagers, that they were "people." Since then she refers to most others as either a "fwind" (friend) or a people. So, its not uncommon to here "Its a people!"

These are some of her phrases, mannerisms and words. Of course, this barely scratches the surface of Avi-speak, but it will have to do for tonight. So, in Avi-speak I bid you "nite-nite, fwind," while offering you a kiss with smacking lips and protruding tongue.

Parenting: Step one

Something I've been thinking about a lot of late is my parenting goals. Its no secret that Avilynne has totally embraced the infamous Terrible Two's, for anyone who has been around her for a few hours (or minutes, sometimes). Yes indeed, before her actual birthday she threw all sweet innocent babyhood out the window and started livin' it up with drunken sippy-cup binges, screaming, head-banging tantrums and total self-absorption, manipulating the very adults she flirts with regularly. To me, the early dawn of the Terrible Two's feels greatly unfair. A month, let alone a day extra of a toddler with this disease is one too many. But who am I joking? Its not like I was preparing for this although I have been thoroughly warned. Who is ever prepared to find out their child is diagnosed with a terminal illness, even if you are warned?

Of course, that might seem like an exaggeration. Yet, in a since its not, spiritually speaking. The Terrible Two's just might be that reminder to us that our child is not the perfect concoction of our blissful marital love; instead its a little human that is also a little sinner. One time when Avi was acting up my husband sweetly looked at me and declared that those were our genes acting up in her (well, that's my paraphrase). We passed on our least favorable DNA: we fall short of perfection (and typically pretty far from it). I am obviously not a believer in the inherent goodness of mankind. Truly, no biologist, or physiologist who has ever had a two-year old can actually believe that load of crap, can they? All to say, the Bible says that all have sinned, or stated in a way that makes more since- we all are selfish, self-serving and self-focused at our core. Even psychology testifies to this, with the id and the ego and all that jazz. Oh yes, of course we can try to be good and can be successful. But that just isn't going to cut it.

And my daughter makes this truth self-evident. You want to know what she did on my birthday? Yes, my happy birthday!? She threw about fifteen temper-tantrums in the middle of quiet bookstore, and then ran across the store into the joining Starbucks! Some lady came out asking people throughout Barnes and Noble if the kid belonged to them! That was the second time that hour she ran off into oblivion. One time they had to close down part of a store to look for her. Then she was terrorizing Josiah, throwing the merchandise, and somehow I was supposed to carry her, my son, and all our stuff out of the store into the rain, leaving my unpaid for items and coffee behind? Really, I am not giving this story justice by providing you with details. I'll spare you but do know, it was MISERABLE! I wanted to spank her into the next county yet instead I stood there, tantrum after another wishing my child was better-behaved, that people would look on me with grace rather than the contempt they were showing, while desperately wishing I had five more hands and a plug to shove in her mouth. This is not an unusual situation I have found myself in either. Don't misunderstand me, Avi is a wonderful darling. She is a mysterious, exciting and a bubble of joy. But she is also Bad. Very very bad. Yes, her behavior can be bad, but there is something within her that is off too. The same something in all of us that is off which makes us so in need of God, so in need of love and grace amidst consequences and discipline we call life. So, by the grace of God parents everywhere have kindly been given the Terrible Two's as a year to train up our kids so they won't live in those Terrible Two's their whole life long. Or at least to remind us that we sure need some help as parents before we go insane. It happens, you know.

I steam like a pressure cooker that has been sitting on the boiling flame of household affairs. Sometimes I feel like I am about to burst, and the facade of the gentle mother I pretend to be is quickly melting off thanks to my semi-sweet children (semi-sweet like chocolate chips). Hence I've started hitting the books. Yep, I'm asking for advice, watching others intently, discussing ideas and gleaning from the knowledge of those more experienced or more educated on the subject: PARENTING. I am convinced the Terrible Two's were created by God to remind us that producing offspring means more than shoveling food down the pipe while occasionally wiping dirty noses and dirty bums (although that is important too). They are a reminder that we need a lot of help, and that our responsibility is greater than just what is on the outside.

Believing these two truths are, from my inexperienced and unprofessional opinion, the first place to start: that my children actually do need parenting due to their selfish human nature coupled with the fact that my spouse and I are the ones called to parent them (after all, I birthed them which was quite the experience, let me tell ya). If I have a beginning point to recognize what the heck is happening everyday I can move on from there. Yep, there is a kid and I am, what, supposed to parent? I know that might be overly simplistic for some, yet this simplicity really does drive me deeper because it acknowledges the responsibility I have.

Parenting is like being given an empty computer hard drive which already has a virus (if that's possible) that we are responsible for programing. Unfortunately, it doesn't even matter if we are good with computers or not! We get to program a operating system anyway, a worldview complete with a culture, value-system, and basic survival skills in order for it to function (and hopefully go beyond just functioning in our world to being successful). Which brings me to my questions of today which made me start on this subject in the first place: What defines successful parenting? What defines a successful child? What are my parenting goals? So maybe, if I get around to it, I'll continue hashing out parenting with these wonderings in mind. Parenting: Step Two.

A Social Problem: Stay-At-Home-Parent

This is one of the short essay discussions I did a couple weeks ago for the current class I am in, Social Problems in the workplace (SOC 402). Please note that for reading ease, I used the term "mom" but this would really apply to any male or female caretaker and guardian who does not work outside the home. This post is not intended to prove that this job is harder than any other or better than any other. It is only intended to bring awareness to that fact that being a stay-at-home caretaker is a difficult task which can be improved with society's help.

A Social Problem is defined by Lauer and Lauer as ". . . one whose causes and solutions lie outside the individual and immediate environment" (2008). Although being a Stay-at-home parent is not technically a paid job, anyone who has done it before can assure you that it is a very real job none-the-less. I became a Stay-at-home-mom because I didn't have a career job outside the home. It was not worth it for me to work because of the child-care/traveling/income differences just were not logical. I could work, but would it be worth it to have someone else raise my child, instilling their values and not necessarily able to give them the attention they might thrive in, just so I could have a couple thousand extra dollars a month I can do without (if even that much)? Although I often wish I could work part-time outside the home, I was content with this decision when we made it.

Now I am not so sure I am as content with this job. Why? Well, let's just say if I worked for a company in this job, I probably would have quit by now. I consider it a social problem because, firstly, it is a relational job. There is great social responsibility on my shoulders including taking care of kids/spouse, managing a household in which must respond to the repairman, teachers, insurance companies, etc..., and socially expected to act in certain ways towards people I should be involved with (such as volunteering, church, neighborhood, other moms, contacting family, etc...). I am my own manager in my own start up business. This "business," The Johnston Estate, does not make money in itself, but I keep it running smoothly so my husband, the bread-winner, can do so.


A large portion of America's children are raised by a family member who does not work. I read an article the other day, telling mom's to ask for help, that they weren't meant to raise their children alone. It was kinda going with the "it takes a village" theme, encouraging mothers to not be afraid of having their parents, in-laws, relatives, friends, and neighbors take some of the load. I thought that was sweet. Sweet and totally not possible. After all, who can I ask to "take my load?" With change in the economy and business, the workforce has moved to where there are jobs, whether it be in the city or the other side of the country. Extended family and life-long local friends don't always follow each other around, let alone life-long acquaintances like your pastor and dentist. My community has a population of 60,000; it is a community which didn't even exist as more than a few small farms 15 years ago. Very rarely do I meet anyone is from here. East-coast Americans do not typically sit on eachother's front porches drinking lemonade together, and neither do they ask the other neighbors for help if they have even met. I am luckily to live on a street which defies this status-quo, but its abnormal. I have a close church-family in my area too. Yet, for the typical mom in my area, there is no one.

All to say, I am aware of many moms who struggle with the difficulties of the task that is expected of them when help is just not there. Its easy for moms to become so stressed mentally and tired physically that they start to become less-than-mediocre in their childcare, and on occasion flat-out terrible parents. Or others deal with extreme depression due to being overworked, so much so they are not able to handle any other difficulties in life. I know a few moms who are suicidal because of the pressures they have on them, most which are not their fault. I also know many couples who have become separated for the same reasons, having too much to manage and without a local support network. These are not solely just personal problems, although the individual really can do more to help themselves. Yet these problems will not go away unless there is social help.

So, what makes this job so difficult? I might get help at my job from my spouse or friends, but I do not have time off (except when scheduled with my husband or babysitter for a few hours here and there). I work most of 24x7 hours a week. Although there are moments in my job I am able to sleep (like a firefighter can, still on alert for the siren to go off). Sometimes my job is very fun and enjoyable. But, can you imagine if your boss at XYZ INC. required you to work over 150 hours a week?

Monotony is another major issue. I do the same thing almost everyday. It can get very boring. I listen to my baby cry and my daughter babble mostly unintelligible words throughout the day. This is anything but stimulating. I can improve this situation by getting involved in as much as I can or trying to use any freer-time for stimulating activity. Yet still, there are days when I can't get out or do anything I find stimulating. In general, not having goals set from outside can be hard. Days, weeks, months turn into years and nothing changes much.

At a typical job, management gives incentives. You are rewarded with bonuses, pay-increases, have performance reviews, and often have general encouragement, and feedback. As a mom, you often only get negative feedback (Your screaming child does not say "thanks mom for changing my blow-out again" while the dirty floor and piles of laundry testify that you are a failure). Your spouse might encourage and thank you but that is not a guarantee, and it might not be often enough. There is little recognition for the countless tasks you do all day.


Awareness needs to be increased of the challenges of stay-at-home parenting through the media, as well as encouragement for those with careers to look at us as equal members of society (besides grandma talking about it at Thanksgiving dinner). From most of what I see, being a working parent is what is glamorized. I often feel that other people think something is wrong with me because I choose to stay at home. Maybe I am lazy, not able to handle working a real job and being a mom (Which is why those who work have daycare, its not like they can do it all either). Or others just assume I am not smart, educated, and underclass. It is true that I am just shy of receiving my Bachelor's degree yet, and it would be hard for me to find a high-paying job to make it worth me working outside the home. Yet, even if I did I know I would still be staying at home with my kids, at least until they are in school and I could work part-time elsewhere. Besides, the fields I enjoy working in the most are generally within the non-profit sector in which I would still not be able to make it worth it to pay for childcare from a financial perspective. Or on the other hand a stay-at-home mom can also both be looked at as too traditional or too hoity-toity, like a country club yuppie. Funny how all these perspectives of a stay-at-home mom of little children do not logically fit together. Can I be undereducated, poor, rich, snobby, and uber-traditional at the same time? Apparently. I don't consider myself uneducated, snobby, or having characteristics worthy of discrimination. Yet, the Stay-at-home is often looked at oddly. I guess this is typical to encounter some prejudice, as most are partial and skeptical of anything outside of their experience.

Ways to ease this social problem can first start with the spouses. Ideally, spouses should try to balance the workload rather than just using their off-work time for their own pleasure. The mom, whether working or not generally takes care of the lump of the household and childcare for whatever reason. The more the husband can help, I have no doubt the more he will like who his wife is as relieved of burden. Also, local friends and family members can exchange favors, taking turns watching eachother's kids. Although meeting trustworthy people is difficult when you are in a new place, challenging yourself to join a moms group, a church, and other organizations along with going out of your way to introduce yourself to neighbors and other moms at the park can go a long way. Even increasing encouragement in all forms is probably the best way to help us moms, especially moms with little children.

Communities/towns themselves, along with local organizations and churches should really go to greater effort to make support networks. Or if there already are, have ways to contact moms who are so secluded and depressed they don't look for help themselves. Catchy yet simple mailers, signs, door-to-door invites, or even articles in the HOA magazine can all be effective. Although this seems ridiculous to even myself, could the communities provide free quality babysitting services once a week for stay-at-home parents? Yes, that is ridiculous. But I know having babysitting services in my community are very appreciated. A local grocery store offers has a childcare center in it for those who are shopping. Our HOA provides very low-cost babysitting at our gym, something which many gyms in our area do. A break from your children for even just an hour can be a life-saver sometimes. I wish there was a way I could have my children be watched long-enough to get some paperwork done, take a nap, or have some time to just breath. Or even cooking a meal, or sharing the responsibility with another family is an amazing blessing. I am so thankful to my friends and spouse who give me this on occasion. Giving moms a little more help a long the way might be cheaper than waiting until they go crazy and have to take their kids from them. This might sound extreme, but I know that this is actually a reality for some moms who are not handling the pressure very well.

In conclusion, Stay-at-home mothering is a job in itself, with challenges and difficulties. Some of these can be eased by outside help. If you have the ability to help a mom with small children, on their behalf, I ask you to please do so. Often the mom is in denial that she needs help, so don't give her generic offers like "ask me for help sometime" because if you do it is almost guaranteed that she will not ask. Yet offer specifics instead. Offer to babysit a certain day so she can grab a coffee and read a book for an hour, ask her family for dinner a specific night of the week, or tell her you will come over at 11 a.m. the next day to talk with her while folding laundry. Do these things and you will make a very frazzled woman sigh and she will probably even give you a genuine smile.


References:

Lauer, R., & Lauer, J. (Eds.). (2008). Social Problems and the Quality of Life (11th ed.). New York: McGraw-Hill.

PhilD41. (2009, August 12). Life Support for the Stay-At-Home-Mom. Hubpages. Retrieved August 12, 2009, from http://hubpages.com/hub/Stay-At-Home-Mother?utm_source=fb&utm_campaign=newsfeed

Time and Time Again

I often catch myself trying to figure out how to jam everything I want to do in a space of time which is amazingly inadequate. "Tisk, Tisk- How to use my time today. . . ?" Yep. Where does it all go? What should I do with my limited "free time?"

Hum . . . do I actually have free time? This is my current question. And the debate begins: If the kids' nap time actually is when I am paying bills, shopping for things online and making household phone calls to the Dr. or county who screwed up the last tax payment.....is that really free time? Or when the kids go to bed at night, and I realize my husband and I need to spend time together . . . is that free time or is that time investing in the most important relationship I have with another human? And the same question applies to the time I use to write in my journal or read my Bible. Is that free time? Its my choice to use the time that way, but its something I need or I become empty and can't do the rest of my job. What about reading? I don't have to spend time reading a book. But I must stimulate my mind or I go crazy. I don't need to do anything creative like painting, writing or playing music. But maybe I do, because without that I am not my healthy self. These things make me come alive and an alive Elisa is much better than an internally dead one. Therefore that can easily affect everything and everyone in my world. Not only are others effected by time I spend improving myself, but obviously by the time I actually am spending with them (or not spending with them). So, although eating dinner with my friends might be fun, it is also time I am also investing into their lives, and time they are investing in mine. That sometimes that is not fun at all, and I might not have much of a choice about it. When is time with people free time and when is it not? And I don't need to watch a movies, but sometimes I need to be still and have mindless activity when I am so tired. But as that can be enjoyable, is it therefore free time? And is it my "job" or fun free time when I go to the park or pool or picnic with my kids? My job is to teach and lead them in the way they should go, and love them. Sometimes that also includes "fun" for me. Other times it is anything but fun, even if it at a fun place. I could go to the park with her in the morning and consider it work. I could go with her on a Saturday night, and as it is not the work week, is it then free time?

So, my question really is "What is free time?" A time where I don't have to do anything? Or is it a time when I am enjoying what I am doing? Maybe I just have time in general. Time that I have to use wisely. I have times where I have the chance to invest in myself or others that are not my kids. Not being responsible for children currently tends to define my free time. But free time is not a time void of responsibility. Time is responsibility on its own. My "free time" might end up be fun or not fun. Somewhere in me I believe I have the right to time free of responsibility in which I get to have fun. Yet reality is leading me to look at life differently. Instead of wondering when I can be free of responsibility and trying to decide how I can make myself the most happy during that time, maybe I should ask myself how I can have a best attitude with whatever amount of responsibilities I have at the moment. And I'd like to become better at knowing how to use the time I do have; focusing on others or spending time rejuvenating myself. The notion of free time is slowly fading. As it does I hope I become a better person as I don't delusionally cling to something I never had in the first place. Because, when it comes down to it, free time is an illusion.

New Photos

Hi! I have finally gotten around to putting up some photos from Josiah's almost first full month of life. Check them out:

Josiah (First Month)

Adjustment

"You are a beautiful daisy. You have many tiny seeds. They are the future. Your children are your 1st mission field. You are a world changer and a diaper changer . . ."
~A Mothering Friend

I have been marveling that my fingernails are a millimeter long. I don't think they've been that long since I was four. Too busy to bite or pick. Hallelujah.

Today was AMAZINGLY beautiful outside. In general, it has been a wonderful world outdoors. My irises are blooming. It never ceases to amaze me that plants spring up from the ground out of no life and become bright shades of colors. Abet, mostly green. I just love color.

Josiah is a week old today. He did not like his first sponge bath. He is a handsome sleepy little man. But when he is awake he is takes the world in with alertness and softness. I like him a lot. He eats 2-3 hours around the clock, though at night sometimes he will do 3.5 hours. I long for the day when he will sleep through the night.

Avi is handling the new little brother well. She calls him "I-ah" and always tells him "hi" with great amounts of exuberance. She also likes to kiss him (i.e., try to crawl up on, or tackle without grace while extending pouting lips). Yet, she has also been very whinny and more tandtrumish. There is an aspect of jealousy for her mommy and daddy. Actually, she is probably getting more attention in general, though, with both of us at home, and daddy having to take care of her more when I am with "I-ah."

I am healing great, though I have been having alot of neck and back pain and its also difficult to walk or climb stairs. My milk is starting to settle into normalcy, and in general, my body is adjusting much better with this second baby. Josh has been having to stay home, in large part, mainly to help me carry Avi as I can't carry her or Josiah in his carrier. Hopefully my body will continue healing well this week, and I'll start to know how to handle two kids plus the household well enough so that He can go back to working at work.

Emotionally, I haven't been as "well." I was crying every five minutes by day three. Thankfully, the minutes between tears has been growing exponentially, and I do believe I haven't even cried one time today. So far. Thankfully Josh seems to have decided its one of his main goals to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I think I am starting to. We WILL adjust, and we WILL survive, even thrive with two kids! In a few months I'll surely be so ecstatic about how well we are doing that I'll want to become pregnant again, asap! Okay, maybe that last one is more like the light of a train coming to smash me at the end of the tunnel than just the glow of the happy sun. But generally, I think my eyes are starting to focus more on the joy of this life-change as opposed to sleep deprivation and how overwhelming everything feels. Anyways, surely I'll forget that "we WILL adjust" in a couple minutes and start crying again, but hey, its a process.

Our Baby Boy is Born!

Hello! Our baby boy has been born!

At:
INOVA Loudoun Hospital Birthing Inn
In:
Lansdowne, Virginia
On:
May 11th, 2009
At the Time of:
3:57 p.m.
Weighing:
8 lbs. 1 oz.
Length:
19.5 inches long

And His Name Is:

Josiah Cory Michael Johnston

"The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace."
Psalm 29:11



(Labor progression Chart)

Surprise Baby Shower

I must say, I was extremely impressed with the baby shower that was thrown for me this Saturday. I don't think I ever have had a surprise party, so it was a new experience along with just being totally fun. I kept thinking that morning that life was just too good, and that I should appreciate all the goodness I had been blessed with while things still are "good." And that was before the shower!

Josh and I had a great morning together, I got to sleep in, take a shower while Avi was awake, and I just chilled out upstairs with a glass of juice and bowl of strawberries Josh brought me. He purposefully kept me upstairs, and I completely just thought he was being all nice giving me a break from Avilynne. He brought me my journal and Bible just to chill out next to the sunny window to spend time with God. He told me we were going to eat brunch together and he had arranged for Jill to watch Avi. When I eventually came downstairs, I realized we weren't eating brunch at home and kinda wished I did my hair or put on makeup. But, hey, at least I had taken a shower!

I thought it was odd that we were going to drop Avi off a few doors down together, when one of us could wait in the car. And why weren't we locking to house door? He didn't want me leave my purse on the car, even though I figured I could still see it from Jill's doorway. But, hey, I am a risk taker (often needlessly) so I brought my purse with me after all. Jill had me come in, and then I saw a cake and all this delicious food. I was like "Oh my goodness....its a surprise party for me- I think! But I'm here early as there is no one else here." I was then ushered towards the living room and I saw everybody hiding in the corner. They were all happy and I was all embarrassed for some reason while totally thrilled and happy. My initial thoughts were that they invited Abbie, a teenager who I mentor as well as girlfriends who weren't just from church, which I thought was cool. I just was impressed that whoever invited people invited people I'd want to come, not just people from one area of my life.


Anyways, I was starving by this point, and there was an amazing spread of breakfast casseroles, the most awesome sweet french toast (of which everyone was begging Tori for a recipe), strawberries and homemade whipped-cream, and all sorts of other beautiful and delicious foods. It was soooo very "ummy" (as Avi would say)! And then there were all these nice people around me who wanted to talk and be baby-showerishy-girl-like (though not awkward too dressed up baby-showerishy-girl-like). Deborah, Jill and Becky did an awesome job putting it together. There were all these games, from measuring my belly to guessing the time when an ugly plastic doll was "born" (meaning the ice defrosted around it into water), and a questionnaire about me and another one about nursery rhymes. I personally was entertained and I didn't even get to play half of the games : )

Then, of course, there was a massive plethora of presents which I was totally not expecting. Long ago I had come to the conclusion I wasn't going to have a shower, and so have just been assuming I had to get whatever we needed for a boy. It was very happy, though, to receive all these gifts, mostly the type of stuff which I won't buy myself as its not "necessary" such as extremely cute clothing or baby blankets or "rocket" stuff which I was totally impressed people found. I was really surprised by all the gifts I received, and, thankfully, I really liked them too. They were beyond tractors and footballs, to my glee!

Apparently, I had made it pretty difficult on the people putting it together. Deborah moved her car on Saturday morning because she told me she was going to be gone and wouldn't be able to hangout. That was smart on her part because I actually looked for her car to see if she was home and could hangout after all. I went with Becky to Costco on Friday, where she had to pick up the cake. She hid it in her cart, but didn't know how to get it in her car without me seeing it. So, she arranged a whole complicated pick-up with our other friend Amber which seems like it was just too much work to be worth it. That night I was really bored so I hungout at jill and stacy's. Yet, that kept Jill from being able to get anything done like she had wanted to because I was around (really, someone did say I should join them playing rockband, so it wasn't entirely a self-invite). I thought it was weird Deborah came in dropping stuff off, acting odd and freaked out that I was there. She told me she was bring stuff for the Needs Network, which later I noticed was only three pairs of socks. Um....I am pretty sure it doesn't take two trips between our houses for her three pairs of socks.

I was somewhat suspicious because of that. Almost two weeks ago Becky also made a comment to me, trying to keep me from buying diapers. I didn't get why because she was saying maybe people would give them to me. And I said, yes, maybe they would after the baby was born, but I would need diapers ASAP. I was trying to figure out why I should bother counting on someone else to give me diapers who knows when, when I really didn't want to have to stop at a store on the way home from the hospital. She thought I should wait a week before I bought some. I was kinda suspicious then that maybe she was having the other girls in our lunch group do presents or something for me, yet nothing big. But as nothing happened after her comment I had totally given up on the idea. But then on Friday night the possibility that maybe someone was trying to surprise me came up again; this was more so in a way in which I'd just keep my eyes open for other clues. It wasn't something I suspected or expected at all, especially not late Saturday morning.

I really like being surprised. I really enjoy being with people. I love eating good food. I don't mind getting presents in the slightest. I was very impressed by how put together and how nice the shower was, especially with me having no clue and it being put together so close to the end of my pregnancy. In generally I guess you can say I really felt loved by the whole ordeal. And who doesn't like to feel loved? Ahhh....my heart is bursting with affection! Thank you so much, guys!

Compliments

I received two compliments this week which have meant a lot to me. One was that a girl who teaches music went out of her way to tell me that she thought I had a very beautiful voice. That was just nice to hear as I want a beautiful voice. Sometimes I think I have one, yet other times I get stuck on the parts of my voice (or control, tone, vibrations, etc....) that aren't so good. As I am not very involved with music anymore I rarely get feedback on how I sound. So, that was just a nice unexpected compliment.

Secondly, a man who goes to our small group Bible study told me I have the ability to say the perfect thing. Let me explain a little background about why this means something to me. Our discussions within our small group sometimes aren't the best. I naturally talk more, and can easily get caught up in an unimportant discussion dealing with Biblical facts. I've been really trying hard not to do this, as we don't need more knowledge. Our goal is to know God more and connect with the people in the group. Hence, I've been trying to only say stuff which will make someone else's point or fact make more sense to others in the group who could care less. Either that, or ask questions or talk about concerns that can make whatever we are talking about make more sense in the context of our lives. I don't always do the best at this, but I try. I am always very aware of people's body language, tones, or the dynamics going on within conversations. Hence, I often find myself naturally acting as the diplomat, bridging between people from what I perceive is going on. Although I tend to do this automatically, in our small group I've been really making effort to do so in hopes that I make our group better as opposed to worse. Sometimes I wonder if there is any point to all of this, if there is any point to when I am aware of how people are. If there is any point to saying things I hope will start to bring them full circle, connecting with others, God, or understanding themselves more. So when this man spent a little less that five of his minutes to explain to me about how much it helped him when I made comments, it meant a lot to me. He told me how he felt like I understood him and could make what other people said understandable to him. He told me that when I prayed in our small group, it was real to him, it actually made sense and he could agree with it. He said I have a huge gift by being able to understand people and communicate between them. Or something to that effect :). All to say, what he said really was a confirmation to me that I was doing something purposeful. Whether I am just there for people in conversation, getting together with them, studying how people work in books I read and classes I take, and just encouraging others . . . its a good thing! As these things are a major part of my life (most of my life, actually) it was just so nice to hear confirmation that there is a point behind it. Although there is no good definition for what it is that I do, what I do is important. If nothing else, I had the privilege of making one individual more comfortable, feel more loved, and helped Him know God a little bit more.

If I had Six Months to Live . . .

If I had six months to live what would I do? This was a discussion question I had to write an answer for after we studied the chapter about death and dying in my adult development psychology class. Its easy for me to write lists of goals to do throughout my life time. I try to make a new list yearly as its interesting for me to see what stays the same and what changes. But if my perceived life-time was shortened to just six months? That means I would be dying around my 25th birthday, in September. I guess as follows is what I would hope those six months to look like:

I think firstly, I would live out a spiritual purpose to a greater extent. I would try to know God more. I believe in the afterlife, and that I will go to heaven because I have trusted Jesus to cover over anything I've done wrong. I believe my hope during this six month time period would be based upon this faith I have. I would probably capitalize on it to try to know God more now if I will spend the afterlife with Him as well as to sustain me with as much peace as possible before I die.

I have always believed I am alive for a reason. I don't think I would try to be consumed with the question "Have I fulfilled my purpose yet?" but I would hopefully try to be purposeful with my time, spending it in ways that could continue making an impact after I died. It would just be trying to have an overall attitude of investment.

Spending time with my family and trying to make it easier on them would be a major focus for me. I think I would try to leave something behind for my daughter and soon-to-be son to help them know who their mother was. I'd probably try to make a journal and/or scrapbooks for them, as well as leave them cards/videos for different ages of their lives. I would likely make something similar for my husband which I hope would help him remember me and let go of me at the same time. Of course, just trying to spend a lot of time and create memorable experience with them as well as my parents and other family members and friends would be my hope.

I have no doubt that I would try to take care of arrangements after I die, such as for my children's upbringing and funeral stuff. I'd also write down some ideas and plans I have which I would have love to spend my life doing. Maybe someone would catch those visions and take them on to use them as a positive impact in the world. I would also hope to record some of the music I have written, and finish some artwork I have never finished.

I'd love to spend some of my time traveling, maybe going away every few weeks to visit people I know in California and other places. I'd also love to travel some more internationally, going to locations I have never been but have always hoped I'd have a chance to go. I would hope that it could be fun and enjoyable traveling, yet also I would love to go places where I could help during the time I was visiting. I don't think I would be so concerned with how I was helping, as much as just knowing I had a chance to get my mind off of myself and my condition, whether that would be distributing relief aid, teaching ESL, working in orphanages or spending time showing love to people forced into prostitution or slavery.

Randomly, I would also love to go parceling once. Mainly I just hope I could wrap up my life and relationships here, make a difference and prepare for moving on. I would love to be an example of living the shortness of life I have left as life to the fullest.

Flexibility 1,2.3!

Flexible, I am not. I feel like my body would like to shut itself down into a state of Rigamordis. Maybe thats just what happens with age. Have you ever seen a Dr. with a newborn? They take their legs, pushing them up frog-legged, and start flapping them up and down like a chicken's wings. When we saw Avi's pediatrician do that to her the first time, I almost started screaming at him thinking he was about to crack her hips. Amazingly, he didn't. 'Cause babies, I guess, can just do that. He would have broken my pelvis. I would have not been happy. I, apparently, am NOT as flexible as a baby. Maybe that's because I am filled with baby. Baby likes to hang out as low as he can go, to my chagrin. Being pregnant already throws my back off, but of late bending or standing awhile also makes me feel like my pelvis will crack, which makes me fear I will just split open at some point doing the dishes or something innocent like that. Its not terrible, but it is uncomfortable.

Also I am physically extremely inflexible right now, today I had the pleasure of being flexible in life. Although I might often not consider this to be a "pleasure," today it was. I wasn't really too sure what would happen with my day, but I had spent time with God and just knew it was His day that I got to live in. I went to the chiropractor, having conversations with my Dr. and his receptionist both, people whom I've known a long time and have had some great discussions with. The study I lead that day was cancelled, and instead I found myself driving home not really knowing what to do. I drove by a friend's house, whom I just knew I should visit. In all honestly, I really didn't want to visit her. Yet, I pushed that aside, made a U-turn and stopped in to say hi. It turns out she just found out her husband shattered his elbow and she had to meet him at the emergency room. So, not only did we have a good conversation, but I was able to help her out by watching her kid for a bit. I was then able to bring dinner to a friend of mine who just had a baby and hopefully cheer her up. I honestly don't remember more of my day, but one thing I wanted to say before I didn't believe it anymore was......how thankful I am to be able to be flexible. That I don't have a 9-5 job, that I have resources without working myself, that I can just kinda follow what is best and make a difference in the world. Sometimes being flexible bugs the heck out of me, plans being ruined and such. Or even worse, not having any direction whatsoever, or knowing what to do. But, when I let go of my day and was just available to be there for others, it was great. Not being in control can also be good.

The Not So Brave Me In the NOVA World

Sometimes I wonder about my friends, my life, my place. My husband has been pretty sick recently, going to bed before nine, skipping out on life because he is too out of it. I also have been sick, but as its carried on for a good four weeks now, I have been trying to do stuff while sick as otherwise I go stir crazy (unless I just sleep constantly, which I actually think I could pull off). I don't really think I hide behind my husband when it comes to social stuff. I just prefer his presence as a safe person to return to when there is no one else to talk to at the big party, I always have a guaranteed seat next to him, and its just nice to have someone to enter the room with you (making you feel like your not alone). I guess those are some of the nice benefits of being married, of which I am thankful for. I am generally pretty outgoing but I still have those brief moments of "What if I feel alone? Panic!", and therefore like to have a comfort zone of people I know I am safe with when I feel unsafe.

So though I am trying to be more brave and be okay by myself in the NOVA World with older, more experienced, more knowledgeable, and more educated people than me . . . I am still practicing.

Example: Sunday I went out to lunch with people after church. It was pretty much a bad experience. Maybe I'll tell you a little more about it in my next blog entry, but for now I'll just say this part. I was there long before anyone else, and was beginning to think that they changed the location without telling me. In reality, they just took a longer than normal time to clean up and get there. Since I was first, I chose a spot that wasn't the best, but I thought it was a guarantee that I wouldn't sit alone. Ya right. Somehow in large groups things like that just don't always work out. They were freaked out there wouldn't be enough space, so little clumps of people saved other tables, and my large one was sporadic with people, with no one near me. I generally know everyone loves me. Yep. They are my family. But they didn't feel like my family. No one wanted to sit next to me (Or maybe I should more honestly say that no one bothered to). I had been rather depressed that weekend and no one asked me how I was. It was annoying, because I really try to do that for other people (or at least I think I do), so that they don't sit alone and have someone they can talk with. But apparently my efforts don't go both ways. Finally another lady sat near me, whom I was excited about because I think she is generally lonely and I was hoping to maybe make her feel accepted. In turn, before I could move next to her, a couple who is pretty much impossible for me to have a conversation with sat down across from me because there was no where else for them to sit. I felt bad, because then I couldn't move next to the lady I wanted to without being rude to them. But I felt bad for them because I wasn't exactly the best person suited to make them feel welcome themselves, and I am sure they didn't. As I thought they would, though I tried multiple awkward conversations attempts, they all failed. Then, my good friend who I was aware was pretty depressed sat on the other side of my baby. She also tried awkward conversation with those across from us though I knew she really didn't want to talk, she was just trying to be brave herself. She was trying to be brave with people she know are her "family" but don't always feel like it. All to say, the people I did want to try to talk with, her, and the other lady, were too far away in that busy loud room so we couldn't actually hear eachother. I mean, there was some good too. A friend of mine knew I wasn't doing well and tried to make me feel better, but he couldn't really hang around me as it probably wouldn't be best. And my pastor took my daughter from me, which was pretty nice of him. And though I am glad I didn't go home, and feel depressed there instead, It wasn't a great experience.

Example Two: So, outside of this church experience, there is my neighborhood experience. I love my neighborhood. I love the community we have here which was probably the biggest reason we wanted to move here. But honestly, I feel like I have an amazingly hard time fitting in. I look at the other families who don't fit into the "click" of neighbors I am with, and I kinda feel sorry for them. How would they get into this 'wonderful' click? Is there a hazing ceremony I was unaware of that they can do? I am in the click by default, because we are best friends with some of the people in it. If it wasn't for that though, I wonder how many of those people would have ever said hi to me. So often I can't get beyond any small talk, and the small talk really doesn't last long. I pretty much seem to have nothing in common with any of them, which is why. I get a long best with the men, but all I can pretty much do is ask about their work, which runs dry. They don't ever ask me anything, which doesn't surprise me. I could be the most famous artist or write New York Times Bestsellers, and they wouldn't know. The women I can talk with about kids. Yet their kids are all a lot older, and well, how long can you talk about kids? Or maybe I should say, how long do I have enough patience to talk about kids? Especially when I don't think any of us really want to talk that much about them. Okay, its not only people with kids. I'd probably fare better if I could actually play a sport. But I can't, and because of that I really don't add much to the neighborhood except a cute baby who makes all the kids go "ahhhh." Yes, I am sounding pretty pessimistic. Yes, we like hanging out with our neighbors, heck, we went on vacation with them! I just don't know how to get past those walls, and just everything else that makes me feel like I have a huge sign on my forehead that says "I don't belong here just in case it wasn't obvious already."

Tonight someone in the neighborhood is throwing a party, an adult-only party. I was hoping on going, but as the person who invited me never actually officially invited me, it was kinda awkward to plan on going. Last night that finally got cleared up (though I guess somewhat awkwardly through my friend who was like, "Hey, weren't you going to ask them to come? You never actually did!"). But as I was never really invited, I was never told what time it was, or the more important detail that it is a costume party. All to say, by the time it finally has come about, with my husband and I being sick, he went to bed. I don't feel well, but I kinda want to go. Technically I could walk two doors down and go right now. But then I couldn't find a costume. And just thinking about going to that party by myself is one of those things that I can't seem to overcome in my mind. I really wish Josh was awake and would go with me. But as Stacy said, it is pretty much ZERO probability that after he is asleep he will go anywhere with me : ) If I went alone It would be fine. I'd probably have a lot of awkward small talk. I'd eat a few things, drink some sugary soda or something else bad for me while I am sick (or a fuzzy navel, which is bad for me when pregnant). I might have fun. I'd try to hum some Rockband songs which I can't sing now as my singing-voice is pretty much non-existent with this cold. I could always sit next to stacy and jill if all else fails and they would get stuck being my "social comfort zone" because I just don't fit in. So, I could have gone and still could go and be fine. In fact, I am kinda mad and unhappy that I am not. I mean going shows that I care about people in this neighborhood, that I want to be a part and give my part. It might be meaningful, which I hate missing out on. But, honestly, I have no energy to be a fake me hiding all that is real and deep down inside because people just don't get me because I am not like them.

And maybe thats the thing that gets me so yucky about living with these relationships in NOVA. Is that I feel forced to not be me. Not because people are making me not be me. Maybe its just because I am beyond what is normal and they don't have a paradigm to fit me in. Which isn't bad, its just the part outside the paradigm is ignored because its not understood. And hence, I feel like I am fake because only the tip of my iceberg is being spoken too, whereas the rest lies underneath dying to break free and be recognized as existing. Or you could even say though I would love to be real with those around me, they don't want that because that is something they don't know how to deal with. Its like the time I had a conversation with a person who had just taught on being real with people. The person asked me how I was, and I said I was terrible. They were totally shocked by my answer and changed the subject right away. Hence, a lesson is learned that even if people want you to feel like you can be real, they really don't know how to handle it. I wonder if I do the same to others.

Anyways, in this week I have had one successful example where I kept going and trying even when it sucked, and another which I didn't fail at because I didn't even try it out. Maybe next week I'll be braver. Or maybe not. I'm still practicing.