Sometimes I wonder about my friends, my life, my place. My husband has been pretty sick recently, going to bed before nine, skipping out on life because he is too out of it. I also have been sick, but as its carried on for a good four weeks now, I have been trying to do stuff while sick as otherwise I go stir crazy (unless I just sleep constantly, which I actually think I could pull off). I don't really think I hide behind my husband when it comes to social stuff. I just prefer his presence as a safe person to return to when there is no one else to talk to at the big party, I always have a guaranteed seat next to him, and its just nice to have someone to enter the room with you (making you feel like your not alone). I guess those are some of the nice benefits of being married, of which I am thankful for. I am generally pretty outgoing but I still have those brief moments of "What if I feel alone? Panic!", and therefore like to have a comfort zone of people I know I am safe with when I feel unsafe.
So though I am trying to be more brave and be okay by myself in the NOVA World with older, more experienced, more knowledgeable, and more educated people than me . . . I am still practicing.
Example: Sunday I went out to lunch with people after church. It was pretty much a bad experience. Maybe I'll tell you a little more about it in my next blog entry, but for now I'll just say this part. I was there long before anyone else, and was beginning to think that they changed the location without telling me. In reality, they just took a longer than normal time to clean up and get there. Since I was first, I chose a spot that wasn't the best, but I thought it was a guarantee that I wouldn't sit alone. Ya right. Somehow in large groups things like that just don't always work out. They were freaked out there wouldn't be enough space, so little clumps of people saved other tables, and my large one was sporadic with people, with no one near me. I generally know everyone loves me. Yep. They are my family. But they didn't feel like my family. No one wanted to sit next to me (Or maybe I should more honestly say that no one bothered to). I had been rather depressed that weekend and no one asked me how I was. It was annoying, because I really try to do that for other people (or at least I think I do), so that they don't sit alone and have someone they can talk with. But apparently my efforts don't go both ways. Finally another lady sat near me, whom I was excited about because I think she is generally lonely and I was hoping to maybe make her feel accepted. In turn, before I could move next to her, a couple who is pretty much impossible for me to have a conversation with sat down across from me because there was no where else for them to sit. I felt bad, because then I couldn't move next to the lady I wanted to without being rude to them. But I felt bad for them because I wasn't exactly the best person suited to make them feel welcome themselves, and I am sure they didn't. As I thought they would, though I tried multiple awkward conversations attempts, they all failed. Then, my good friend who I was aware was pretty depressed sat on the other side of my baby. She also tried awkward conversation with those across from us though I knew she really didn't want to talk, she was just trying to be brave herself. She was trying to be brave with people she know are her "family" but don't always feel like it. All to say, the people I did want to try to talk with, her, and the other lady, were too far away in that busy loud room so we couldn't actually hear eachother. I mean, there was some good too. A friend of mine knew I wasn't doing well and tried to make me feel better, but he couldn't really hang around me as it probably wouldn't be best. And my pastor took my daughter from me, which was pretty nice of him. And though I am glad I didn't go home, and feel depressed there instead, It wasn't a great experience.
Example Two: So, outside of this church experience, there is my neighborhood experience. I love my neighborhood. I love the community we have here which was probably the biggest reason we wanted to move here. But honestly, I feel like I have an amazingly hard time fitting in. I look at the other families who don't fit into the "click" of neighbors I am with, and I kinda feel sorry for them. How would they get into this 'wonderful' click? Is there a hazing ceremony I was unaware of that they can do? I am in the click by default, because we are best friends with some of the people in it. If it wasn't for that though, I wonder how many of those people would have ever said hi to me. So often I can't get beyond any small talk, and the small talk really doesn't last long. I pretty much seem to have nothing in common with any of them, which is why. I get a long best with the men, but all I can pretty much do is ask about their work, which runs dry. They don't ever ask me anything, which doesn't surprise me. I could be the most famous artist or write New York Times Bestsellers, and they wouldn't know. The women I can talk with about kids. Yet their kids are all a lot older, and well, how long can you talk about kids? Or maybe I should say, how long do I have enough patience to talk about kids? Especially when I don't think any of us really want to talk that much about them. Okay, its not only people with kids. I'd probably fare better if I could actually play a sport. But I can't, and because of that I really don't add much to the neighborhood except a cute baby who makes all the kids go "ahhhh." Yes, I am sounding pretty pessimistic. Yes, we like hanging out with our neighbors, heck, we went on vacation with them! I just don't know how to get past those walls, and just everything else that makes me feel like I have a huge sign on my forehead that says "I don't belong here just in case it wasn't obvious already."
Tonight someone in the neighborhood is throwing a party, an adult-only party. I was hoping on going, but as the person who invited me never actually officially invited me, it was kinda awkward to plan on going. Last night that finally got cleared up (though I guess somewhat awkwardly through my friend who was like, "Hey, weren't you going to ask them to come? You never actually did!"). But as I was never really invited, I was never told what time it was, or the more important detail that it is a costume party. All to say, by the time it finally has come about, with my husband and I being sick, he went to bed. I don't feel well, but I kinda want to go. Technically I could walk two doors down and go right now. But then I couldn't find a costume. And just thinking about going to that party by myself is one of those things that I can't seem to overcome in my mind. I really wish Josh was awake and would go with me. But as Stacy said, it is pretty much ZERO probability that after he is asleep he will go anywhere with me : ) If I went alone It would be fine. I'd probably have a lot of awkward small talk. I'd eat a few things, drink some sugary soda or something else bad for me while I am sick (or a fuzzy navel, which is bad for me when pregnant). I might have fun. I'd try to hum some Rockband songs which I can't sing now as my singing-voice is pretty much non-existent with this cold. I could always sit next to stacy and jill if all else fails and they would get stuck being my "social comfort zone" because I just don't fit in. So, I could have gone and still could go and be fine. In fact, I am kinda mad and unhappy that I am not. I mean going shows that I care about people in this neighborhood, that I want to be a part and give my part. It might be meaningful, which I hate missing out on. But, honestly, I have no energy to be a fake me hiding all that is real and deep down inside because people just don't get me because I am not like them.
And maybe thats the thing that gets me so yucky about living with these relationships in NOVA. Is that I feel forced to not be me. Not because people are making me not be me. Maybe its just because I am beyond what is normal and they don't have a paradigm to fit me in. Which isn't bad, its just the part outside the paradigm is ignored because its not understood. And hence, I feel like I am fake because only the tip of my iceberg is being spoken too, whereas the rest lies underneath dying to break free and be recognized as existing. Or you could even say though I would love to be real with those around me, they don't want that because that is something they don't know how to deal with. Its like the time I had a conversation with a person who had just taught on being real with people. The person asked me how I was, and I said I was terrible. They were totally shocked by my answer and changed the subject right away. Hence, a lesson is learned that even if people want you to feel like you can be real, they really don't know how to handle it. I wonder if I do the same to others.
Anyways, in this week I have had one successful example where I kept going and trying even when it sucked, and another which I didn't fail at because I didn't even try it out. Maybe next week I'll be braver. Or maybe not. I'm still practicing.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Food Personalities
I do a lunch group thingy where random women/moms come over on tuesday. Their children fill up my living room (in which there is constant banging, happy squeals, occasional yelps mixed the the words of imaginations working hard) and the ladies all scrunch around my kitchen table piled with food we bring (which gets small very quickly). This week we are doing our personalities in food. I thought I'd share what I was.
I thought I was a fruit bowl. Not just any ordinary fruit bowl, we are talking about the ones made from a watermelon rind, with skewers of fruit chunks coming up in fashion designs on all sides of the bowl. Strawberries and blackberries and raspberries, some concord grapes and melon pieces and nectarine pieces drizzled with sugar-lemon juice. Yep. That's how I see myself.
Now some of my friends were not satisfied with that image. I don't know if its just too exciting for them, or if they just didn't see that as practical or ethnic. Or more likely, it reminded them of the business that makes those now, and I really don't seem to fall well into a business format. For whatever the reason, they thought I was sushi. I am down with sushi, in fact I really really like California rolls. I didn't think it fit me well, though, as it wasn't sweet. And even if I am not sweet, I like sweet food! I am not sure if I can let that go. Along with the fact I don't really think sushi has enough color. But I am okay with sushi if it has a big hibiscus flower on the side of its plate, and wasabi and ginger for garnishes. Not that I actually really like those, its more so it adds some color and spice. So, we agreed on sushi.
I decided to be sure of what I really was by taking some of those online quizzes. Yes, this is what I do all day *wink*. The first one said I was a tomato. Really? A tomato? That's kinda....boring. The reason it said I was a tomato was because "I am colorful but I have a hard time making up my mind and deciding on things." Hum. I just never realized tomatoes were indecisive before. But, I've learned since taking this quiz that I must be wrong. Tomatoes are the ESSENCE of indecisiveness, thank you cheesy online quiz for teaching me the truth!
Ironically, the next quiz I took said I was Mexican food because I am "spicy but dependable." Alrighty. I generally think of dependable and unable to make up your mind as opposites, but I guess they aren't. And I really am indecisive. And I generally am dependable, at least I try to be and think I am pretty faithful to my friends. Of course, this might have been a learned tribute as opposed to a natural characteristic. I don't feel bad when friendships come and go. Does that mean I am not dependable? And I don't always write e-mails back. Hum. Anyways, I do get the Mexican food. I was thinking maybe I could be Mexican food, but then I would have to fight my friend for it who I already declared was fajitas. I can't be fajitas because I don't like the veggies in them. But oh, I love Mexican food!
Lastly, I took a quiz of what junk food I am. Apparently, to them, I am Chocolate Kisses:
"You are creative, complicated and flirty, although perhaps a bit disorganized and unpredictable! You're a great example of a 'melt-in-your-mouth' personality wrapped up in a colorful package!"
You know, I would have never called myself Chocolate Kisses. Since when are Chocolate Kisses complicated? Unpredictable? Boring, yes, but unpredictable- um, no! I do agree with the "melt-in-your-mouth" aspect of Kisses. Though that could be kind to say about me, I am not too sure I melt in people's mouths. Innocently, of course. Or maybe its a mean thing. I am so little of anything I conform, melting away into what people want me to be until there is nothing left of me. Oh, that's bad!
Anyways, I am still trying to decide which of these things I really am. After all, this is our lunch tomorrow. Happily, I do not have to be defined by online quizzes which are made for people to post on their sites and feel better about themselves although none of their friends will ever read the quizzes (or at least not take them seriously). I guess we all have the incentive inside to want to like ourselves and identify ourselves. I think God does better at that than I do. Or, if we'd like, at least we have the option to go to lesser sources for our self-definitions such as online quiz gurus or our local Starbucks:
"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall! Decaf! Cappuccino!"
(Joe Fox, You've Got Mail)
I thought I was a fruit bowl. Not just any ordinary fruit bowl, we are talking about the ones made from a watermelon rind, with skewers of fruit chunks coming up in fashion designs on all sides of the bowl. Strawberries and blackberries and raspberries, some concord grapes and melon pieces and nectarine pieces drizzled with sugar-lemon juice. Yep. That's how I see myself.
Now some of my friends were not satisfied with that image. I don't know if its just too exciting for them, or if they just didn't see that as practical or ethnic. Or more likely, it reminded them of the business that makes those now, and I really don't seem to fall well into a business format. For whatever the reason, they thought I was sushi. I am down with sushi, in fact I really really like California rolls. I didn't think it fit me well, though, as it wasn't sweet. And even if I am not sweet, I like sweet food! I am not sure if I can let that go. Along with the fact I don't really think sushi has enough color. But I am okay with sushi if it has a big hibiscus flower on the side of its plate, and wasabi and ginger for garnishes. Not that I actually really like those, its more so it adds some color and spice. So, we agreed on sushi.
I decided to be sure of what I really was by taking some of those online quizzes. Yes, this is what I do all day *wink*. The first one said I was a tomato. Really? A tomato? That's kinda....boring. The reason it said I was a tomato was because "I am colorful but I have a hard time making up my mind and deciding on things." Hum. I just never realized tomatoes were indecisive before. But, I've learned since taking this quiz that I must be wrong. Tomatoes are the ESSENCE of indecisiveness, thank you cheesy online quiz for teaching me the truth!
Ironically, the next quiz I took said I was Mexican food because I am "spicy but dependable." Alrighty. I generally think of dependable and unable to make up your mind as opposites, but I guess they aren't. And I really am indecisive. And I generally am dependable, at least I try to be and think I am pretty faithful to my friends. Of course, this might have been a learned tribute as opposed to a natural characteristic. I don't feel bad when friendships come and go. Does that mean I am not dependable? And I don't always write e-mails back. Hum. Anyways, I do get the Mexican food. I was thinking maybe I could be Mexican food, but then I would have to fight my friend for it who I already declared was fajitas. I can't be fajitas because I don't like the veggies in them. But oh, I love Mexican food!
Lastly, I took a quiz of what junk food I am. Apparently, to them, I am Chocolate Kisses:
"You are creative, complicated and flirty, although perhaps a bit disorganized and unpredictable! You're a great example of a 'melt-in-your-mouth' personality wrapped up in a colorful package!"
You know, I would have never called myself Chocolate Kisses. Since when are Chocolate Kisses complicated? Unpredictable? Boring, yes, but unpredictable- um, no! I do agree with the "melt-in-your-mouth" aspect of Kisses. Though that could be kind to say about me, I am not too sure I melt in people's mouths. Innocently, of course. Or maybe its a mean thing. I am so little of anything I conform, melting away into what people want me to be until there is nothing left of me. Oh, that's bad!
Anyways, I am still trying to decide which of these things I really am. After all, this is our lunch tomorrow. Happily, I do not have to be defined by online quizzes which are made for people to post on their sites and feel better about themselves although none of their friends will ever read the quizzes (or at least not take them seriously). I guess we all have the incentive inside to want to like ourselves and identify ourselves. I think God does better at that than I do. Or, if we'd like, at least we have the option to go to lesser sources for our self-definitions such as online quiz gurus or our local Starbucks:
"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall! Decaf! Cappuccino!"
(Joe Fox, You've Got Mail)
Monday, October 6, 2008
River of my Life: A Lot Makes me Happy (apparently)
I am rather happy to be living the life I am living. Its a happy night.
Our life group just left. I was in a scurry to get them sitting nice and pretty, our living room was a wreck just before they came, toys and markers scattered on every surface of our hardwood floors. But that was worth it in itself. How happy is an Avi taking markers out of a box? A happy Avi indeed. Besides, I babysat a little boy who goes to our church today. He had fun with the toys too. I have no doubt his parents were happy to have someone watch him. And, happily, we get to hang out together for dinner just because I watched him. That means we maybe are going to become better friends with them. Ya, the mess was worth it.
Our life group had an awesome discussion. We had to be open, even vulnerable talking about what we believe, our experiences, and our understandings of the Bible. An extremely controversial subject didn't divide us, it just made us so much closer. I left it, along with the others, with the conclusion that God is alive, He is here among us and He is speaking to us personally today. It was just so cool. If this is my small group, I want to hang out with them and talk with them about God and life every night. It was really worth cleaning the kids' mess so they had a place to sit down.
My husband is out at some friends playing music, possibly being the "salvation" of the band this weekend, stepping in to sub while the main guitarist is out. That just might mean the world to the band head, who's birthday is tomorrow, and the drummer in our life group. And on top of which, it makes me smile to know his talents might be used, that only makes our family more alive. Even if nothing happens with that, I can't help but admire him for being willing to step out of his comfort zone and be used this way.
I am also thinking about joining the band, which is kinda scary for me. I haven't been part of a a band for 4 years or so now, and I have never been part of a extremely musically oriented band such as this (as opposed to more of a worship focus). I must admit, I am nervous as my skills aren't too refined, and I am afraid I will start yelling at everyone to stop stressing out and just be concerned with God, not performances. But hey, if God sees purpose in me being part of this I am willing. Tomorrow I am supposed to "try out" so I guess we'll see how that goes. I am glad Josh was gone for awhile tonight doing music stuff because it made me think of music, play the paino and sing for awhile. That makes me very happy, along with the fact that maybe it helps me sound better (which could be useful tomorrow).
My friend who lives with us is going through a really hard time. Sometimes we come across tough decisions, and she is totally in one of those intense situations now. On top of which, she was really sick today. Sometimes I don't know how to be a friend to her, but I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to show her love. In fact, I am pretty sure sometimes I do a really bad job at being her friend. Today she helped calm my fussy daughter while I cleaned the living room, burnt my cookies and made our dinner. I filled up her cup with water, told her to ring the bell for me if she needed help on her sickbed and tried to be there for her when she cried. I am so thrilled at how her living in our home has blessed us, and has given us a chance to bless her. I have seen her grow in ways and become a different person who I am proud to say just keeps getting better, wiser, and closer to truth.
She introduced me to another friend, a friend who at first I couldn't handle. Apparently my attidue has changed though, as am looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. We had an awesome conversation last week which I can only describe as living with people = discipleship. I am not sure why she listens to me, but its kinda cool that she does (I hope I don't say anything stupid). She is coming to a dinner with me this week that I have the feeling might open her up to her whole new world of her favorite passion. That's just cool.
Tomorrow a few other of my friends are coming over. Sometimes we talk about God, sometimes we talk about food, but we always talk about our kids and politics. Honestly, they can be a crazy bunch of people, but they are real. And they love other people. And they want other people to join us; we aren't a click. So then maybe new people can also experience what it is to be real. And to have a forum to bounce ideas off of. I am the lucky one that gets to have them in my house every week. On Tuesdays when they leave I slump into a chair, wanting to pass out with exhaustion, but oh, what a sweet death it is.
A few other of those women will come with me to this dinner on Thursday night. Its for 1st Choice, the pregnancy crisis center I used to work for. Its always fun to go to, getting dressed up and eating a fancy meal in which I always have to ask josh what the proper etiquette for fork usage is. I am hoping my guests have a good time, and I am hoping the Center also has their needs met. What I really hope is to get people connected with a vision for something, that maybe, just maybe might be theirs to catch. I like sharing my passions old and new, hoping someone else will jump on the boat. Like my other friend who I used to not be able to handle. A lady I ran into at a store today was someone who I brought before to this dinner. It ended up being her thing and she was able to help out for awhile. So, just like that, I like to help things spread.
I am also excited because a girl I regularly get together with is watching Avi while we go to that. That makes me happy because Avi knows her, and I know her. I just really like it that I have a relationship with this girl, that I get to be there for her and kinda mentor her in her life. I don't know if I actually "help" her or not. But that she singles me out to hang out with during church, that must mean something, right?
On Sunday our neighbors came to our church. It was awesome. They were there, the people we chill with on our front steps with throughout the week, they came. How cool is that? And not only did they come, but they want to come back! Its so exciting to see how the relationships the Hills and us have with them are coming full-circle. They are seeing God, seeing love and are starting to seek Him out. Or at least, not pushing Him away. I mean, one of my neighbors who is very 'good' and doesn't need God, she totally was cool and listening to me when I nervously invited her to church. She didn't come to church, but she came to an event our church put on. I mean, really, that is something.
The Asian family next door brought us a part of their special ethnic cake today which she said they made specifically in mind to give us part. I guess our multiple left-over cakes we've been leaving with them have either rotted enough to make them feel obligated to give back, or they really appreciate our efforts to talk with them and wave back and forth to their kids. I am pretty sure its the later. One of the ladies also gave me some plants, some tomatoes, and another one gave me a birthday present for Avi. She was thanking me the other day for even just being interested helping other people learn English. She opened up and started to tell me about some of the hurt she has experienced within this year. That means something. Though some of our other neighbors despise them because they are Asian, we have the chance to show impartiality to all our neighbors by having a relationship with them.
This and that, there is always stuff going on. We have so many other friends we see randomly, have over for dinner on occasion, run into at Starbucks, drive to work with or see at the Dr. My life seems to be a quagmire of odd relationships that take turns here and there, sometimes down a winding river, sometimes over waterfalls. But when I look back on them I am always amazed at where the river has turned and wonder where it will go, intersecting again or rushing far away. I might not 'do' anything but I am sure doing a lot and knowing many.
I seem to recently be around people who are having a difficult time. This is ironic, because I am going through anything but a difficult time. I wish I could spend more time with my husband, yes, his work has been pretty intense lately. I wish my daughter was feeling better, she was a whinny-butt all day, blowing bubbles with her boogers. She isn't feeling well. I slept terribly all night, and I have morning sickness off and on all day. I get stressed over little things, like dinner or when I can have a date again with my husband. My concerns are small, and really, not very important or big. I am AMAZINGLY blessed. I had a friend yesterday who was experiencing a set-back that was kinda minor. In her eyes, it was huge, end-of-the-world huge. She had a crazy week and this was the end of it. We were able to just be with her, help her through it and help figure out the problem (okay, I didn't help her figure out the problem, Josh does that technical stuff, I just do the relational part). In the process another one of our friends bought us all our meal. Yes, very kind. And you know what that makes me be aware of? I am in a family. I am in the most amazingly family ever, of people who will sacrifice, love eachother, and die for eachother in various ways. I mean, we all got our stinky feet too. The bad moods, the annoyance at eachother, the freakin' out over issues that will work out as we let them. But we are intertwined, our lives collide and the Holy Spirit somehow works among us to make us into the most beautiful thing we could ever have on earth. We have life, we have community, we have Jesus.
Our life group just left. I was in a scurry to get them sitting nice and pretty, our living room was a wreck just before they came, toys and markers scattered on every surface of our hardwood floors. But that was worth it in itself. How happy is an Avi taking markers out of a box? A happy Avi indeed. Besides, I babysat a little boy who goes to our church today. He had fun with the toys too. I have no doubt his parents were happy to have someone watch him. And, happily, we get to hang out together for dinner just because I watched him. That means we maybe are going to become better friends with them. Ya, the mess was worth it.
Our life group had an awesome discussion. We had to be open, even vulnerable talking about what we believe, our experiences, and our understandings of the Bible. An extremely controversial subject didn't divide us, it just made us so much closer. I left it, along with the others, with the conclusion that God is alive, He is here among us and He is speaking to us personally today. It was just so cool. If this is my small group, I want to hang out with them and talk with them about God and life every night. It was really worth cleaning the kids' mess so they had a place to sit down.
My husband is out at some friends playing music, possibly being the "salvation" of the band this weekend, stepping in to sub while the main guitarist is out. That just might mean the world to the band head, who's birthday is tomorrow, and the drummer in our life group. And on top of which, it makes me smile to know his talents might be used, that only makes our family more alive. Even if nothing happens with that, I can't help but admire him for being willing to step out of his comfort zone and be used this way.
I am also thinking about joining the band, which is kinda scary for me. I haven't been part of a a band for 4 years or so now, and I have never been part of a extremely musically oriented band such as this (as opposed to more of a worship focus). I must admit, I am nervous as my skills aren't too refined, and I am afraid I will start yelling at everyone to stop stressing out and just be concerned with God, not performances. But hey, if God sees purpose in me being part of this I am willing. Tomorrow I am supposed to "try out" so I guess we'll see how that goes. I am glad Josh was gone for awhile tonight doing music stuff because it made me think of music, play the paino and sing for awhile. That makes me very happy, along with the fact that maybe it helps me sound better (which could be useful tomorrow).
My friend who lives with us is going through a really hard time. Sometimes we come across tough decisions, and she is totally in one of those intense situations now. On top of which, she was really sick today. Sometimes I don't know how to be a friend to her, but I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to show her love. In fact, I am pretty sure sometimes I do a really bad job at being her friend. Today she helped calm my fussy daughter while I cleaned the living room, burnt my cookies and made our dinner. I filled up her cup with water, told her to ring the bell for me if she needed help on her sickbed and tried to be there for her when she cried. I am so thrilled at how her living in our home has blessed us, and has given us a chance to bless her. I have seen her grow in ways and become a different person who I am proud to say just keeps getting better, wiser, and closer to truth.
She introduced me to another friend, a friend who at first I couldn't handle. Apparently my attidue has changed though, as am looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. We had an awesome conversation last week which I can only describe as living with people = discipleship. I am not sure why she listens to me, but its kinda cool that she does (I hope I don't say anything stupid). She is coming to a dinner with me this week that I have the feeling might open her up to her whole new world of her favorite passion. That's just cool.
Tomorrow a few other of my friends are coming over. Sometimes we talk about God, sometimes we talk about food, but we always talk about our kids and politics. Honestly, they can be a crazy bunch of people, but they are real. And they love other people. And they want other people to join us; we aren't a click. So then maybe new people can also experience what it is to be real. And to have a forum to bounce ideas off of. I am the lucky one that gets to have them in my house every week. On Tuesdays when they leave I slump into a chair, wanting to pass out with exhaustion, but oh, what a sweet death it is.
A few other of those women will come with me to this dinner on Thursday night. Its for 1st Choice, the pregnancy crisis center I used to work for. Its always fun to go to, getting dressed up and eating a fancy meal in which I always have to ask josh what the proper etiquette for fork usage is. I am hoping my guests have a good time, and I am hoping the Center also has their needs met. What I really hope is to get people connected with a vision for something, that maybe, just maybe might be theirs to catch. I like sharing my passions old and new, hoping someone else will jump on the boat. Like my other friend who I used to not be able to handle. A lady I ran into at a store today was someone who I brought before to this dinner. It ended up being her thing and she was able to help out for awhile. So, just like that, I like to help things spread.
I am also excited because a girl I regularly get together with is watching Avi while we go to that. That makes me happy because Avi knows her, and I know her. I just really like it that I have a relationship with this girl, that I get to be there for her and kinda mentor her in her life. I don't know if I actually "help" her or not. But that she singles me out to hang out with during church, that must mean something, right?
On Sunday our neighbors came to our church. It was awesome. They were there, the people we chill with on our front steps with throughout the week, they came. How cool is that? And not only did they come, but they want to come back! Its so exciting to see how the relationships the Hills and us have with them are coming full-circle. They are seeing God, seeing love and are starting to seek Him out. Or at least, not pushing Him away. I mean, one of my neighbors who is very 'good' and doesn't need God, she totally was cool and listening to me when I nervously invited her to church. She didn't come to church, but she came to an event our church put on. I mean, really, that is something.
The Asian family next door brought us a part of their special ethnic cake today which she said they made specifically in mind to give us part. I guess our multiple left-over cakes we've been leaving with them have either rotted enough to make them feel obligated to give back, or they really appreciate our efforts to talk with them and wave back and forth to their kids. I am pretty sure its the later. One of the ladies also gave me some plants, some tomatoes, and another one gave me a birthday present for Avi. She was thanking me the other day for even just being interested helping other people learn English. She opened up and started to tell me about some of the hurt she has experienced within this year. That means something. Though some of our other neighbors despise them because they are Asian, we have the chance to show impartiality to all our neighbors by having a relationship with them.
This and that, there is always stuff going on. We have so many other friends we see randomly, have over for dinner on occasion, run into at Starbucks, drive to work with or see at the Dr. My life seems to be a quagmire of odd relationships that take turns here and there, sometimes down a winding river, sometimes over waterfalls. But when I look back on them I am always amazed at where the river has turned and wonder where it will go, intersecting again or rushing far away. I might not 'do' anything but I am sure doing a lot and knowing many.
I seem to recently be around people who are having a difficult time. This is ironic, because I am going through anything but a difficult time. I wish I could spend more time with my husband, yes, his work has been pretty intense lately. I wish my daughter was feeling better, she was a whinny-butt all day, blowing bubbles with her boogers. She isn't feeling well. I slept terribly all night, and I have morning sickness off and on all day. I get stressed over little things, like dinner or when I can have a date again with my husband. My concerns are small, and really, not very important or big. I am AMAZINGLY blessed. I had a friend yesterday who was experiencing a set-back that was kinda minor. In her eyes, it was huge, end-of-the-world huge. She had a crazy week and this was the end of it. We were able to just be with her, help her through it and help figure out the problem (okay, I didn't help her figure out the problem, Josh does that technical stuff, I just do the relational part). In the process another one of our friends bought us all our meal. Yes, very kind. And you know what that makes me be aware of? I am in a family. I am in the most amazingly family ever, of people who will sacrifice, love eachother, and die for eachother in various ways. I mean, we all got our stinky feet too. The bad moods, the annoyance at eachother, the freakin' out over issues that will work out as we let them. But we are intertwined, our lives collide and the Holy Spirit somehow works among us to make us into the most beautiful thing we could ever have on earth. We have life, we have community, we have Jesus.
Friday, October 3, 2008
RE: Politics and the well-trodden path in my mind a discussion on politics always takes me down....
(This was written in response to comments in a political forum (in essence) some of my friends and I have)
I still think:
I still think:
- It would be really interesting to have all 4 people be together as co-presidents and co-vice presidents. Either that or make it into an Obama-Palin combo or McCain-Biden combo. I know, I know, that couldn't really ever happen and no one would ever agree. But can't I think the unrealistic would be exciting? Not saying I would "like it" exciting, but more so "interesting" exciting. I guess my creativity just can't help playing out in politics, also. The opportunities to mix the characters together is just irresistible, its like creating flower (or weed) bouquets. I guess its easy for me to say that as I don't particularly love any proper set of these guys, as you all probably know.
- I still think I should make "Pro- Whatever I Believe" Buttons and sell them. Saying I had the resources to make, distribute, and effectively sell these buttons, how much do you think I could make by November if I copywrite this slogan? If anyone has a cheesy button machine I want to borrow it.....Seriously!
- I still believe that someday the economy of the U.S.A. will REALLY actually crash. I read a great quote the other day in some big newspaper; I read it in the Times or the Post. It said something such as "You should financially start worrying when people stop trusting eachother." Of course, it was more beautifully written, but I thought it made a lot of sense. As soon as people stop thinking there is money (which would be a logical thing to think, as most people live off of credit, and as there is no actual "gold" or resource backing our money) and therefore stop trusting eachother with lending, banking, buying, etc.....we are screwed. That trust in our credit cards and loans is what keeps our economy going. Anyways, I could rant and rave about the economy again like Carrie, as I agree with her, but there is no need. I just believe we have a responsibility to God to manage our finances wisely, not to make us richer, but to pour it into building His kingdom while we actually have money we can pour into His kingdom. And trust me, we all have money we can pour into Jesus' concerns. Or even if you don't care about Jesus, you probably still think its good to care about some of His concerns.....the poor, hungry, thirsty, and sick: they still exist. They do along with all those oppressed in slavery, by governments and war, and those unjustly imprisoned. We are not assured of money in ten years, one year, or even tomorrow. But today while we have I think we should care. Wisely investing our money is not really investing into our economy, wisely investing in money is investing in people's lives. Okay, and there was that well-trodden path in my mind politics often brings me to. So don't be surprised if you hear it again *smile*
Thursday, September 25, 2008
That the Cookie Says & What I Just Might End Up Doing
Now I'm not too sure if God speaks through fortune cookies, but today I got one that said:
"You are capable of tremendous creativity."
In the past month or so I have been questioning God about what He wants me to do with my creativity, and I think I have the answer. Actually, I think I had the answer and since then I've been questioning if that is really what I should do because I doubt my creativity. You might have heard me say before that I am not an artist so much as a creative person who's creativeness sometimes comes out as art. Art has a difficult definition. Is it in the production? Must it require skill? Who determines aesthetic value? Part of the reason I love the movie Mona Lisa's Smile is that Julia Roberts challenges our paradigm of art; something which cutting edge artists and musicians are always doing.
Do I make art? I'm not always so sure. Some people might love it as art. I have no doubt others don't consider it as such. Its hard to set a value for your art and proclaim yourself as an artist, vying into the community of people seeking the same pedestal. These people who are also amazingly self and others critical, often emotional, and are constantly begging for worth at the same time they are oozing pride. Artists really are just a unique brand of people. Really. Go meet yourself an artist if you don't know one, and imagine surrounding yourself with that type of people. I am not too sure I want to go back into that world and set myself up as an artist.
Yet at the same time I think I might have stumbled across what it seems I should do. I am always coming up with new ideas of what I should "do" which I am pretty sure is why I shouldn't have done any of them. Whether a lawyer to fight for human rights, a teacher to reproduce my worldview, a writer to sneak ideas into the minds of the masses......I am always convinced I should do a new activity. I know I am a visionary, and some of the visions I have I really do hope to do someday. They are tucked away within my heart for another time. Either which way, I am constantly driven by the calling I believe God has given me to "change the world." What's really ridiculous is that I actually believe that is what I am supposed to do, unlike, I am guessing, 98% of the population who is like "sure, whatever."
How the heck do you change the world? I really don't know how to do that. I generally used to think big, until I moved to Ashburn. Then I started feeling so hopeless and fighting the phrase "just change your corner of the world." Okay, I have become okay with that idea as long as it is one corner at a time *smile*. I guess I've known for awhile that my life is supposed to do with my family (Josh, Avi, baby & extended family), creativity (art and music), and something international (very vague, I know....travel, missions, cultures, international justice issues). Also somewhere in there is loving people, and helping other people with their struggles and all the things I am gifted at doing (whatever those might be at whatever time). But generally, over the times I have sought God about what I am supposed to do with my life, this is what He has showed me.
Honestly, for the most part, since I have moved to Ashburn, I know I have been establishing my family and have been growing by leaps and bounds in maturity, humility, selflessness, not finding my identity in what I do and a ton of other things. Okay, maybe none of you see that, but really, if you could compare me with how bad I was before in these ways, you'd see a difference (even if I'm still bad now). On a not so positive note, I have also grown more reserved in self-conscious way, struggle with depression and purposeless and have stopped playing and writing music to a large extent. Yet it seems maybe, just maybe, I am moving into a new season.
Okay, moving beyond my unnecessarily huge preface: So, what is it? What am I going to do? So this is what I've been pondering. I collect old furniture and such people needlessly throw away in our area. I love to paint them and refurbish them. If I could sell them as art, I could make a profit. If I could make a profit, I could help by giving money to all the international issues I care so much about and want to make others aware of. Therefore I am changing the world (although not in a massive way) by taking my creativity, using it to bless the nations, and all the while still able to invest in and care for my family first. And, on top of which, it is actually possible, like now! Generally I come up with these things that I'd have to change a lot, go back to school to add to my education, and are often conflicting with other important things in my life (such as having another baby). This has to be the first time that this has not been the case.
I am not too sure I even remember how this idea came to be, except it suddenly came to me while lying in my bed one night, unable to fall asleep. Since then it has taken a greater form. I've been thinking over it a lot, planning how it would work, talking about it with Josh and some other people, and praying about it. I have my doubts if it would work. I often wonder why anyone would buy my work in the first place. People have before, but not enough for this to seem like a promising endeavor. I have put something on Craig's list and it hasn't sold. Part of me has been doing this as a Gideon's fleece. Therefore I wonder if I should take it as a sign from God I shouldn't do this or if I am not trusting God by using this as a Gideon's fleece when everything else He seems to be saying is go for it. There is a lot more personal stuff in how God has been speaking to me, and I won't go there now. But all to say, I keep getting a vibe that God wants me to step out, trust Him to do this big thing of selling my art, and see my worth in Him. I kinda like that idea. It gives me shivers as it is so....dangerous. We like to ask God to give us big visions, not really to have the faith for them to come about. So, although this is actually a very possible reality for my life right now, its still big enough to make me need a big good God. Its exciting to be on this limb.
So, there is my idea. I guess by sharing it on my blog I am taking another step forward by making it public. Now that I've got that over, hopefully I'll find the time to share with you the plans of how I'll actually maybe do this. Exciting! Yey!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Baby's Birthday #2
Well, I have the official count now: I am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I was right, I am not nine weeks along as originally though. It is weird that we have known we are pregnant for 5 weeks already, thanks to First Response, which, mind you, ripped us off for that little digital pee stick (I'm still slightly bitter I bought the wrong test. Though as it was so early, another one might not have picked up the pregnancy that soon).
Anyways, I thought I'd share the happy news. The due date is May 5th, 2009. The baby looks pretty blobish, with a slight semblance to the baby in-utero shape. Yet above is what it technically looks like right now. We have a good heart-beat of 150 beats per....minute? Whatever it is, it is healthy. So, that's about it. Happy baby!
Anyways, I thought I'd share the happy news. The due date is May 5th, 2009. The baby looks pretty blobish, with a slight semblance to the baby in-utero shape. Yet above is what it technically looks like right now. We have a good heart-beat of 150 beats per....minute? Whatever it is, it is healthy. So, that's about it. Happy baby!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Avi's Activities
Avi has been getting a little more active of late. She still doesn't walk but she is a creative little 'fellerina when it comes to exploring the world. Here are activities of hers in the past days:
-Climbing up our staircases. She is becoming a climbing pro. Amazingly, she always passes by the power tools and keeps going up, up, up. Yesterday she was starting on the stairs to the loft by the time I found her.
- Today she did an exciting magic trick. She actually pulled a placemat out from under a vase of flowers.....and the vase stood still. It was pretty cool.
- One of her most, no, her FAVORITE place in the house is the toilet. She loves playing in the toilet water (whether there is something or nothing in it). She thinks its hilarious to splash the water about, and if she can she'll throw something in it. She likes the toilet downstairs, in her room, in our room and in Target equally the same. Apparently she doesn't have toilet preferences. Just as long as the lid is open.
- Other activities include emptying the recycle bin, emptying the Tupperware cupboards, pretty much emptying anything there is to empty. Be forewarned: If she empties your plate, she will also do you the honor of throwing it on the floor.
- Flipping through the mail and any magazines is also an important task. She will often follow this by spreading them nicely on the floor. Working on a collage no doubt.
- She likes to delete e-mails and change the settings on the computer. Often when using it, she will sneak up and start hitting the keys before I can move her. This has resulted in deleting long e-mails, stopping movies, posting things (which should not be posted), and changing our whole computer language into Chinese Characters. Very useful.
- Another past time is chewing on cords or plugs. Actually, this pas time is SO last week. She hasn't been as interested this week.
- She is also mommy's bodyguard. She has the ability to follow me everywhere, even if it means trying to hold onto my legs while I am walking around the kitchen cooking dinner.
- Putting her headband on. Believe it or not she actually can do this. I just usually looks rather odd, as it ends up around her neck or semi-hanging on the back of her head. When I put her headband on I am pretty sure she is thinking about how pretty she looks. When she puts it on I am also pretty sure she is thinking about how pretty she looks.
-She has been trying to eat with a fork and spoon of late. She really has no skill. Today she was hamming it up, making these crazy faces anytime I would give her the fork. She then proceeds to put it in her mouth and either clap (cause she did a good job, obviously), or try to violently stab her plate. It is immensely rare if she gets anything on her fork, though. The way she holds her spoon (no matter how hard I try to reposition her hands) inevitably causes all her food to fall off before it reaches her mouth. Don't worry, though. She is still pretty happy that SHE put it in her mouth and not me.
-Lastly, she is a big dancer. Anytime she hears noise or music she starts dancing around, wiggling her body and laughing. It can be Mozart, screamo-rock, or alternative. The style doesn't matter, the sway does. Its really cute.
-Of course she loves, "walking" with daddy holding her hands, playing with her friends, looking at her books and playing with her toys. But, these formerly said things are her unique points. And oh how we love her.
-Climbing up our staircases. She is becoming a climbing pro. Amazingly, she always passes by the power tools and keeps going up, up, up. Yesterday she was starting on the stairs to the loft by the time I found her.
- Today she did an exciting magic trick. She actually pulled a placemat out from under a vase of flowers.....and the vase stood still. It was pretty cool.
- One of her most, no, her FAVORITE place in the house is the toilet. She loves playing in the toilet water (whether there is something or nothing in it). She thinks its hilarious to splash the water about, and if she can she'll throw something in it. She likes the toilet downstairs, in her room, in our room and in Target equally the same. Apparently she doesn't have toilet preferences. Just as long as the lid is open.
- Other activities include emptying the recycle bin, emptying the Tupperware cupboards, pretty much emptying anything there is to empty. Be forewarned: If she empties your plate, she will also do you the honor of throwing it on the floor.
- Flipping through the mail and any magazines is also an important task. She will often follow this by spreading them nicely on the floor. Working on a collage no doubt.
- She likes to delete e-mails and change the settings on the computer. Often when using it, she will sneak up and start hitting the keys before I can move her. This has resulted in deleting long e-mails, stopping movies, posting things (which should not be posted), and changing our whole computer language into Chinese Characters. Very useful.
- Another past time is chewing on cords or plugs. Actually, this pas time is SO last week. She hasn't been as interested this week.
- She is also mommy's bodyguard. She has the ability to follow me everywhere, even if it means trying to hold onto my legs while I am walking around the kitchen cooking dinner.
- Putting her headband on. Believe it or not she actually can do this. I just usually looks rather odd, as it ends up around her neck or semi-hanging on the back of her head. When I put her headband on I am pretty sure she is thinking about how pretty she looks. When she puts it on I am also pretty sure she is thinking about how pretty she looks.
-She has been trying to eat with a fork and spoon of late. She really has no skill. Today she was hamming it up, making these crazy faces anytime I would give her the fork. She then proceeds to put it in her mouth and either clap (cause she did a good job, obviously), or try to violently stab her plate. It is immensely rare if she gets anything on her fork, though. The way she holds her spoon (no matter how hard I try to reposition her hands) inevitably causes all her food to fall off before it reaches her mouth. Don't worry, though. She is still pretty happy that SHE put it in her mouth and not me.
-Lastly, she is a big dancer. Anytime she hears noise or music she starts dancing around, wiggling her body and laughing. It can be Mozart, screamo-rock, or alternative. The style doesn't matter, the sway does. Its really cute.
-Of course she loves, "walking" with daddy holding her hands, playing with her friends, looking at her books and playing with her toys. But, these formerly said things are her unique points. And oh how we love her.
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