Christmas Thoughts

I have felt slightly stressed about Christmas. The travel plans were especially the problem, but now that is seeming more hopeful as josh and I decided we want to make each other happy and be good together as we try to travel with a toddler and an overworked person and a mono-infested 20 week pregnant person. Yes, much more hope! In fact, we might even have a tentative plan (that is pretty impressive for us... really impressive).

Presents are another stressful part of Christmas. I realized mid-week that if we leave at the end of this week, I should figure out Very Very quickly what I will do about Christmas presents.

I love giving presents and getting presents. Really. Its nice. Honestly, though, I hate feeling forced to get a present for someone when I don't have an idea what to get them, or just because I have to. I like giving presents when I feel like they will like it, its not just something that must be given so I will find some crap to give them just for the sake of it. As that is the case, I generally don't want to give presents to whoever I can't find the right present for. Which doesn't leave me much time as I generally forget its near Christmas until its near Christmas. Or that its some one's birthday until the day of their birthday. Even if they are my closest friend or family member, I personally would prefer to not give anything than it not be the RIGHT thing. This doesn't always work, because socially sometimes I can't get over the "not giving" a present to whom I feel I MUST give a present to. And so I do give something to them that they'll probably re-gift next year. And then I feel I wasted money (because I did). Yet I am starting to come out of that and am believing that its okay if I don't get a present for whoever. That's WAY less stressful. Its just stuff anyways, right? Oh wonderful stuff. Yet, in reality, finding the "perfect" gift for someone is such a happy happy thing. I love that. Therefore, its almost worth it to spend all my time finding the "perfect" gift for the few people I would like to get presents for.

I also don't really feel the need to spend a lot of money. Unless I really believe they will love it. But still, if that is the case, I would probably only spend that on my husband as I don't have very much free money to spend on gifts. But, even if I did spend a lot for my husband, he'd probably get mad at me for spending a lot of money on something that isn't what he absolutely needed even if he wants it really bad. He's so funny. Therefore, I almost never ever do that (and don't think I ever have). And hence this paragraph is officially pointless.

I do get sick by the "I deserve" a present mode. Christmas consumerism makes me sick. I greatly enjoy staying away from stores and TV this time of year. I mean, I like presents. I want them, though I am okay with not having a ton. Generally when I do expect gifts I only expect them from close family or friends. And since they are my close family, I feel like they have the right to not give me a present also because we are supposed to be very understanding and I don't want them to get me crap just cause they feel like they have to. Because then they would feel like how I hate to feel, and besides, I don't need crap. Last year my parents gave me a small ethnic rug. It was a nice rug, I liked it. I thought that was all they gave me. Part of me was slightly sad, because if I got a bigger present, it would be from them. But the other part of me was happy that they didn't feel the need to give me something. And I liked that even more than I felt sad. Later, I found out they also gave me a gift-card to get a whole bunch of new clothing. It must have gotten lost in the wrapping and was thrown away. A waste, very true. But all to say, it was a good thing because I was happy thinking that they knew they didn't have to do something special because its Christmas and we are forced to give gifts then.

I like being able to give freely, not forced. Of course, this is my husband's worldview, which drove me mad in the first couple years of marriage. But I think I might be adopting it (though I don't think I can fully do so). I love it that he gives me flowers all year long, but heck, can't you give me flowers on Valentine's day too even though it is forced on you? But maybe I agree, even if I don't fully always like it.

I guess to me Christmas is more of a season than one day. And that season is wonderful because of the people in it, the smells, lights, foods, and music associate with it. I like the traditions that go with it, especially the "religious" ones, as some would call them. I love the nativity story and I hope that the joy of that is passed to my daughter, the joy of the "light of the world" as opposed "I deserve gifts" because its Christmas. Knowing how to do gifts with my kids is a whole new territory I am not too sure I want to set a standard in. I love the fact that my Grandmita never sets a standard with gifts. Sometimes she gives large gifts. Sometimes she sends a card. It reduces the expectation that "I deserve" a gift from her, and it makes it so much more real and heart-felt. I might want to do that with my children. Yet, on the other hand, getting a "big" present once a year like a bike or a doll house was wonderful too, because when else would I ever get something like that? Its an opportunity to give something large and make my kid happy. Yet, the values and expectations I want my children to have has nothing to do with getting presents, so therefore giving to them becomes a fine balance between loving them (which sometimes comes out in the form of giving to them), not spoiling them, and really, teaching them how to love others and be thankful for the blessings they have.

Chinese-ish

I've been violently craving Chinese food of late.

Yes, I crave food typically. Ice cream is always good, as is shrimp (especially with steak). When pregnant I have craved goldfish crackers, cookies, peppermint-coffee drinks, and many other delicacies such as dirt. But I have never craved food with such desire until this week. On Monday, I smelt a whiff of Chinese food, and I pretty much thought I would die if I didn't have any.

I remedied that by having pepper-beef with fried rice, a clementine and an egg-roll. Yet, the craving still hasn't left. I've made my favorite Jotza' (however that's spelled), the fried wantons in spicy chill-paste and soy-sauce). Now I am tempted to cook up some Hunan Chicken, which I have no clue how to make, let alone barely know what it tastes like.

Everything I smell reminds me of China. I was so excited that Chinese restaurant I went to (which we deemed "Cheap Chinese") actually smelt like China. It had the Chinese spices; they were there! They had to be! Mixed with the smell of whatever they cleaned their tables with, it totally smelt like China. Deborah (the chick who lives with us) gave me a cardboard box (how nice of her....j/k....its pretty for wrapping) which has a perfumy smell of various spices. They are more middle-eastern, yet I am sure there is a slight bit of China-smell in the box. I cooked sausage today, I walked into a room yesterday, I held Avi and.....they all freakin' smell like China! Of course, maybe I shouldn't be so surprised. After all, my nose is mostly plugged from my sickness and I have a great imagination.

Last week I read a semi-unhappy book that took place in China. It really had very little too do with China, it was more about a crappy mother/daughter relationship. But the parts that were about China, describing it made me miss that side of the world. When the door was left open the other day, I could hear our Vietnamese neighbor children playing outside. Yes, I realize that although they are Asian they are still not Chinese. But, really, their language is MUCH more Chinese sounding than our own. And hence, it just gave me the feel of being in another country, hearing the sounds outside the windows. It brought up all these happy feelings. I just got a mailer a few minutes ago for Chinese food which had a beautiful classic Chinglish quote on it: "All Special Included Eggroll." Lastly, a good friend of ours is visiting all over China, Hong Kong, and Taiwan this month. Her updates and pictures are great.

All to say, maybe these things are contributing to my food-cravings. Whatever the reason, though, China (not Georgia) is on my mind.

Random

• I heard an entertaining view-point the other day. A little boy was talking to his parent in Target: "Dad, did you know that Michael Phelps is the son of Barrack Obama? No, really, I am serious! I heard it....."
• Avi loves the Christmas tree. She's only pulled it on top of her once so far, but hey, we still have the rest of December for such antics! Her favorite ornaments are these red sparkly balls, that luckily aren't breakable. On the other hand, I broke two ornaments in a matter of seconds. No fair.
• I want to see this: http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2008/scream.bloody.murder/
• I get to go to the Dr., yet again, today. Fun fun!
  
• I do not like Tiramisu Coffee Creamer.
  

World AIDS Day

Some People Don't Have a Choice . . .

Today is World AIDS day and the first day of World AIDS month (go figure the day is the first day of the month). I am collecting caregiver kits on behalf of an organization, World Vision, to help out those with AIDS in other countries. These kits go to helping whoever who is taking care of an AIDS patient, its basic stuff like antibacterial soap and latex gloves. I have a small goal, to make 10 kits, but in reality getting people to help provide the materials for that many is hard to do. If you live near me and are interested in picking up stuff for a kit next time you go to Walmart, I provided a list at the bottom of this post. I will probably mail them out next week, so please get them to me before then.

In many places around the world, whole families are ransacked by AIDS. This is sickening, the whole culture of the people revolves around surviving with AIDS in their community. Its an epidemic of sort, only realized in the USA not too long ago, 1981. It is not limited to homosexuals, as some assume. It spreads often because people are either in denial of it, or they don't know enough about it. All to often children become the caretakers of their families because their parents have died from the virus. Famine, poverty, and rape all have roots within it. Jesus was concerned about the sick and the poor, and hence we should too. Just today, since midnight, 3800 children have already been orphaned because of the virus (estimated). One hundred of those just since I have been on the computer. And its not the end of the day yet! Approximately 6000 children are orphaned daily because of it. Although the majority of those with HIV are adults, 2.5 million children are also infected with it. If you don't know much about AIDS, its worth spending 5 minutes of your time learning about, if nothing else but to be thankful for your non-HIV infected self and to harvest some compassion for the 33 million people wake up to the reality of AIDS daily. Here are a few links:

http://www.avert.org/world-aids-day-quiz.php
http://media.worldvision.org/getinvolved/aids_experience/index.html
http://www.wvexperience.org/learn_crisis.asp

Also, if you'd like to help me with a caretaker kit, here are the ingredients:

Thank you for assembling Caregiver Kits! Each item that goes into the kit(s) you assemble helps
empower local caregivers to provide safe and compassionate care for people living with AIDS.

1 storage container (12-qt. plastic sweater box with lid)
1 notebook (80- to 100-sheet)
4 pens
1 container of petroleum jelly (13 oz.)
3 bars of antibacterial soap
1 box of disposable gloves, latex only* (50 or 100-count)
4 colored washcloths
1 flashlight
2 batteries for flashlight
1 tube of antifungal cream (Clotrimazole or Miconazole brands only*, 1 or 2 oz.)
1 bag of cotton balls (200-count)
A handwritten card to encourage the caregiver who receives the kit

*Please purchase latex gloves only and be sure the antifungal cream is one of the two brands listed.
These items have proven to be most effective in caring for people living with AIDS; please do not
substitute other brands or types of products as they may need to be removed from the kits and replaced.

(cost approx. $25 at a drugstore, unless you buy contents at a local discount store).

Johnston News

1.) Avi not only still likes to play in toilet water, but she can also now successfully lift the toilet seat (to my dismay).

2.) Baby #2 is kicking and rocking inside. I have actually forgotten how far along I am exactly, but I have been feeling movement since week 16, the earliest possible.

3.) Avi is getting better at walking and she can also officially climb down the stairs as well as go up them. Yeppie! Oh, the wonderful mobile world!

4.) Josh seems to be constantly moving and going, traveling often for work to the Chesapeake Bay, or sometimes he is a little luckier, such as going to FL last week. All to say, I am rightly jealous that he gets to see, go out on and at least have the opportunity to enjoy salt-water. Its rather not fair, as I am the one who loves the ocean, though his pictures and google-earth GPS locator I at least am in touch with the water through some form of media/technology.

5.) Late next week I have my mid-pregnancy ultrasound. As many know, this is THE ultrasound, the one everyone always waits and pines for. We can officially find out the baby's sex. Last time we thoroughly enjoyed not knowing the baby's sex and frustrating you all to no extent, making you guess and be annoyed. Besides it was a ton of fun hearing "its a girl" when Avi came out. Honestly, I am afraid that if we find out what the baby's sex is, then it won't be thrilling or exciting at all when the baby actually is born. My friends tell me this is silly, but I really don't see how it can be thrilling when you know what your having. Of course, maybe that's even more of a reason for me to find out what we are having, so then I can be proven wrong. All to say, Josh is letting me decided if I want to know or not in advance. As typical for a decision of this 'caliber', I cannot decide and I often find myself going over the pro's and con's. Currently I am leaning towards finding out the baby's sex. This is probably because I have been somewhat rather wanting a boy; its an expectation I do not want to carry with me into the delivery room. Besides, if it is a boy, then I can plan for it. Is it possible that is its a girl I can keep it a secret and if its a boy I can know now? That would be ideal! But I guess that just doesn't work since its pretty much a 50/50 thing. Hum. Any comments?

6.) My news of today is that my Dr. called confirming that I have mono, you know the "kissing disease" (or whatever we called it in high school). Isn't that delightful? I got it from our housemate who we think is just getting over it (don't worry, we weren't kissing- at least not like that *wink*). So, this explains why I wake up every morning with a sore throat, still need almost 12 hours of sleep a day in my 2nd trimester, why I have swollen lymph nodes and why I still can't knock off sickness in general (which I've pretty much had some form of sickness since the last week of September). So I am actually not really surprised (or even disturbed) by the news. In fact, if anything I am happy that I have finally been diagnosed with something. This is because a lot of my life I haven't been diagnosed for something when something has often seemed "wrong," so this time I am glad to know I am not a hypochondriac and at least there is some distinction (so therefore I am allowed to not feel well and don't have to pretend that nothing is wrong). If I understand correctly, mono doesn't have a particular treatment and it doesn't effect the baby in me (and Avi shouldn't be able to catch it), so I'm guessing it won't be a life-altering problem until it fades down. I just hope for Josh's sake I haven't given it to him.

7.) Lastly, news wise, I came to the conclusion that I am overall

• Content
• Doing a lot
• But still "being" as my identity

In other words, this is where I often have hoped to find myself for many years. I think I am maybe getting better at not having to define my self-worth with what I do. I've been realizing this as I had a profound revelation that I "do" a ton, a massive amount actually. I am involved in a ton of stuff which surprised me to acknowledge that. But the distinction is that I am not aware of it. It isn't a stressor, it isn't what I live for. Its more so I am living life, and I'm pretty content living life, doing what I do or not doing those things. For those of you not like me, this might make no sense why this is an amazing thing. Yet for some of you, you know exactly what I mean. Anyways, I hope I can continue down the road of contentment with life the way life is and where I am in it.

Avi

"He will delight over you...rejoice over you with singing."
Zeph. 3:17

Today Avi had her 15 month Dr. appointment. It went well, meaning she is well. She really didn't like the shots. I still hate watching her/helping her get them. Yet the sucker she got immediately after was like salve for her wounds : ) Her screaming quickly turned into the following as soon as she got that lollipop:
She would suck it, drool, yelp, stare meanly and inquisitively at the nurse, suck again, cuddle into me, look behind me to make sure the nurse wasn't coming again, let out another cry, and suck some more. It was cute and funny.

She is walking more, though still falls alot. She walks rather like a proud zombie, smile on her face, arms out in front. She is more whinny now wanting her own way. Sometimes it seems all she does all day is whine. But really, she also still laughs and smiles all the time. Ironically, today when I would expect her to whine she has pretty much been smiling and laughing non-stop. Its great. All day she has been saying "up" and "uhoh" (along with her own unintelligible language).

Avi is a joy. She fits her name well, "the father's delight." Which I take to mean mine too. She just makes life better. Someone told me that once you have a child you can't ever imagine them not being there. Sometimes I try to imagine life without Avi, and to my surprise I always can. Yet in my mind's eye there is one major problem of her not existing (speaking as though she never existed, not as if she died as that would include grief, etc...). If I imagine her just not being, its as if the essence of joy disappears. Its like imagining a world with no light or music. A major missing element is gone. Of course I know that other things that have joy and happiness within them would still be here. But with her gone, all joy fades. Its an oppressed imagery in my mind.

I personally think this is a profound insight to who she is. Yet as I consider it, I wonder how much farther it goes....for every person who should exist that doesn't, is there a major element of joy missing? Like an aborted child? Or any human who dies? Is that what it is like in reality? I feel like maybe in this I have gained a slight glimpse into God's heart, what He feels about each human He created. Maybe that's what the Father's heart really is. What does it mean to be the Father's delight?

Marriage

I just found out another set of my friends is getting divorced. Sometimes I feel like I hear of a new dissolving marriage every week. These aren't always people I just 'hear of,' but sometimes I am close to them. Of course, its an extreme exaggeration to say every week. Still, it is obvious marriages in America have a hard time surviving. Or its probably more accurate to say marriage between humans have a hard time surviving.

Anthropologists claim that marriage is really a human institution and should not be defined to one man and one woman, as that is not historically accurate. Not so much in the department of marriage being defined as being of the opposite sex, yet more so that a it doesn't work with just one person for life. There is a term for the most common type of marriages (which I forget- serial marriages?), but it holds the same principle as polygamy, having more than one spouse. The only difference is that you hold one spouse at a time, rather than typical polygamy where you have multiple spouses at one time. Whether anthropologists are correct or not with their belief that most marriage is historically not acted out as one man and one woman for a lifetime, that doesn't really bother me. It really might be true, from my vantage point of life right now it seems that it is true most have multiple spouses (or lovers at least) in their lifetimes. What gets me is that anthropologists take this to claim that therefore the current western definition of marriage is incorrect.

It is assumed that marriage must be a human institution which is fundamentally flawed as it doesn't reflect reality. Today I was somewhat depressed that this does seem to be true, that marriage seems to be flawed. Its tempting to blame marriage problems on marriage being the problem. I started feeling worried about my own marriage, as generally is the case when I consider marriages splitting up. After all, Josh and I are rather human having our own issues and problems. It seems it would take a miracle for us to not someday end up as another statistic until all marriages are swallowed up by the ugly head of divorce.

In the midst of my depressed thinking I had a profound revelation. Anthropologists are wrong that Marriage is a human institution, let alone a flawed human institution. Of course, aspects of marriage are cultural, and maybe a part of it has the aspect of being a human institution. Yet, in reality, marriage is a God-given (and blessed) institution. It is not flawed in itself. Obviously, the people in each marriage are flawed. But its not the concept, the covenant, the promise of marriage itself which is flawed. It is divine, supernatural even. That was just so relieving. Therefore, I can conclude from that that if my marriage will survive and thrive, it will because God is involved. I am reminded of an old couple I met who was celebrating their fiftieth(?) anniversary. I asked them what made their marriage last so long. They responded "God is the only way any marriage works." They didn't know if I believed in God, or if I was an atheist. But they themselves had obviously experienced His miracles in their marriage. I can't look in the future and say what will become of my own marriage. Obviously I hope it makes it, and that it is beyond "making it," beyond even a "good" marriage. I hope to end my life with a great marriage, not just at the end but throughout. I can thankfully say that my marriage is dependent on God, the author of marriage. Humbly, we need Him to thrive. We need Him for our own humility, to not just cast blame, to tear down walls, to resist temptations, to forgive, to be bigger than the selfish monster within us. Marriage is not a two person act, it is fundamentally a three person act.

I know most people don't consider marriage as spiritual (even if their sex life is heavenly), and if they do they think of it as freaky. Like how Mormons don't take off their underwear and must all be polygamists and want to be eternally pregnant. Of course, those might be completely false assumptions anyways, but that proves my point. It sounds freaky, however you imagine it. But everything has an element of spiritual. Why wouldn't marriage, along with the accepted aspects such as being emotional, sexual, physical and mental? When I consider marriage as being beyond Josh and I, beyond humanity, beyond this world, it seems more possible. If anthropologists, those who study what it means to be a human at the most fundamental levels, have concluded that marriage is flawed as a human institution, I think that means something. It IS flawed at a human level. Which is why its so nice to know it goes beyond that. There is hope yet for marriage in God.

Politickle '08

Happy Election Day! I just returned from the polls with my proud "I Voted" sticker beaming for attention my shirt. Why does voting feel so good? Even if I did believed our elections were fixed I have the feeling I would still feel great post-vote. I know I am generally easily entertained. But seeing all my fellow Americans at the polls with me, the smiling democrat giving me a sample ballot and the smiling republican.....it all just makes me happy.

Of late I have been in a quandary about the elections. Actually, that's not fully true. I was semi-interested pre-primaries. Especially the day before when I researched the candidates for a good six hours or so. But then I lost interested when it was a fight between dear Hillary and dearest Obama. I have tried to stay somewhat in tune with it during the debates, but since my initial research I pretty much wasn't. Though, thanks to my wonderful lunch lady friends I was forced to keep up, at least enough for conversation. So of late I have realized I can't go on forever saying that I am not sure who I would vote for. I mean, today at the polls I was very very tempted to change my mind last minute and vote for Mr. Libertarian just for the heck of it.

So, as that last sentence implied, I was really okay with not voting for who I voted for. How does one decided who to vote for when they don't really like those running? A friend of mine brought her daughter to my house today. She is almost three. She told me that she likes to vote and I asked her who she was voting for. She told me she was going to vote for "daddy." That's awesome. I wonder if her daddy would do a better job running the U.S. than these candidates. After all, he is probably "Pro Everything That I Believe" more than these guys are, abet, not practiced or knowledgeable in the realm of politics. I guess that means he wouldn't be a good candidate (no offence), but still, I'm just thinking of any alternatives.

My first problem is that I really like Obama. I mean, who doesn't? He is a nice, handsome, "family" man. Fully charismatic, great personality; why wouldn't I like that? He stands for change, something we all crave. But, as my husband says, "Change isn't good when its going the wrong direction." And I guess that is my biggest problem with him. Not that he has less experience than McCain. Honestly, that doesn't bother me at all. According to studies, experience doesn't determine how good of a president you'll be, examples being FDR and Lincoln (http://www.electoral-vote.com/evp2008/Info/experience.html). What bothers me is that we share very few actual beliefs in common, or at least legislatively.

I like the fact that he cares about the poor (supposedly, or at least his party does). Caring for the poor is something that is mentioned hundreds of times in the Bible. This must be a top-ranking value to God. Obama supposedly stands for the environment. I think that is another value to God, He told us to take care of creation after all.

Obama is the anti-war item on the ticket. I don't really like war, though I think I am far from informed enough about this war to make a decision about it being right or wrong. I think its somewhere in between. Personally I hate war; its gross and greatly disturbing. Although in the Old Testament God was anything but anti-war, I get the feeling Jesus isn't pro-killing people for the heck of it. Is this war "for the heck of it?" And what about where we are now, what is the right or wrong decision about what to do next? When it comes to what will be done about it, I don't think Obama can really decide what is safe/best to do for all parties without being in that leadership position (and he probably won't know then either). Who knows what he will really do, even if he doesn't like war and is the anti-war candidate. McCain, he is experienced with war, and so in that sense I trust him more. Yet, I don't know if he will happily go around trying to bring every country into a democracy or not either. I like to think he won't, but he is pretty comfortable with war. I am far from being against foreign intervention, but I think when to intervene is a fine line. Hence, although I would love to avoid more deaths, I don't think I can really know in advance what any candidate will do this coming year or four years from now when it comes to war. Decisions like that can't be made in advance without knowing all the details. Hence, I don't feel like I should vote with war being a determining issue.

There are others things, too. I am against the No-Child Left Behind Act, I hate the Patriot Law and Guantanamo. I am generally pro-immigration and am convinced there is no good solution for that issue. I am not concerned about the economy because I already have come to terms with what I consider a fact that someday it will crash completely. I am not too concerned with gay marriage although I am not pro-gay marriage. For the most part I don't think its worth fighting about and don't think it has much to do with this election. I am also pro-gun ownership. And, as I consider both candidates liars, who knows about anything they say. I have many more opinions, many of them more formed on issues I care much more about. Yet these are generally not political opinions, and therefore don't really matter when it comes to this vote. and who knows if what I consider to be good now I will consider to be good later. Yet either which way, some things I have no doubt I will think are still important years from now.

Recently I have been getting a bunch of e-mails from friends of mine. Christian friends of mine. They disgust me. They declare that McCain is God's candidate. I don't think God has a candidate. I think He leaves it up to us to decide. I think He allows who He wants to be in office whether they stand for the same thing as Him or not. Its no secret in the Bible that He will allow a bunch of wicked people to rule, even if He doesn't like them. Jesus wasn't political. I am sure He didn't love Caesar's oppression on His people, but Jesus willingly paid taxes to him without a fight. Jesus wasn't a zealot. And Jesus isn't a Democrat or a Republican either. It disgusts me that people I know really believe that McCain is God's answer and we are being bad followers of Jesus if we don't vote for Him. Its like those stupid e-mails that say you don't love God is you don't forward the e-mail along. Its ridiculous! I think my lifestyle is much more saying than what trashy e-mails I forward or don't, and for which candidate I voted for. Don't get me wrong, I think it is a healthy responsibility to my country and even to God that I vote. But I also think God might happily direct some of His followers to vote for opposing candidates. Maybe they see different things God values within that candidate, and that's why they vote for that person. Maybe those opposing votes would bring about the results God would want. Whatever. The traditional right's "bad guy" might be whom God wants to win for the sake of purposes He has that we don't understand. I don't claim to know the mind of God and I don't think we should either, even if we do read the Bible or believe God is speaking to us. Its fine to have an opinion, but I don't think its fine to condemn others based on your voting understanding unless the Bible says "Vote for McCain in 2008." And I am pretty sure I've never read that in there. Voting just isn't an issue in the Bible, not like Jesus' love and justice is.

I think I have just wanted to rebel against all those who say I must vote Republican. I want to be liberal because I am sick of people who follow Jesus claiming to be right (on the right). I've known too many 'Christians' who care about abortion and gay-marriage but don't care about Jesus or people. Talking with those who are voting for Obama is sometimes a breath of fresh air (unless they are only voting for him because they are mesmerised by his charismatic beauty). I had an argument with a friend of mine the other day who totally thought I was a liberal and then wouldn't believe me when I told her that I tend to be politically conservative. To her I was a liberal. I didn't mind it that she thought that, as long as she understands what I really stand for. I have a few friends who I am so thankful are there because they get what I am feeling. I at least don't feel this way alone. And in that, so here we were, looking for someone, something to convince us to vote for Obama just so we don't have to vote for the McCain we don't really like. Or maybe for me, so I don't have to succumb to the traditional right that I am getting so much mail crap about.

And although I can truly say I would have preferred to vote for Obama, I never found a good reason to. I only found two real reasons which made me vote for McCain. One is that I agree more with his value system when it comes to who he would place in the supreme court. I read a quote of Obama the other day which was rather old, from 2001. Although the context is about rights for African Americans, he says some things which make me scared that he will not hold up our constitution (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_xNyrzB0xI). The longer versions also talk about how he wants to redistribute wealth, which is what he was receiving a lot of negative attention about in this past week. I personally don't know how much or how little Obama wants to adhere to the constitution; from just one quote he said years ago, its hard to know what he really believes. Yet, I can say that I do want people in the supreme court who are conservative and who are trying as hard as possible to adhere to the constitution; judges I do not think Obama would put in place. Even if I might not prefer some conservative decisions this type of supreme court might put into place, I think it is much safer for America as a whole to have more conservative decisions made than liberal decisions. In extreme decisions like those coming from the supreme court, I like there to only be change that is good change (in which was deliberated forever and agreed by all before it was actually declared "good"). I have little doubt I wouldn't like Obama's picks for court.

The other issue is the abortion issue. I am not someone who will vote for whatever crack-smoker just because they declare themselves to be pro-life. Even so, I apparently hold it to be a high value. Abortion hurts. It hurts women terribly much. It hurts little humans. I can argue why abortion is wrong, and would love to hug any woman who has been through the experience with the little understanding I have of what it would feel like to be her. Yet, I really don't want to debate why I think abortion is both wrong and should be illegal right now, though I very easily could. I don't have high hopes for it becoming illegal again, and I think it would be really hard as that would also force a culture shift, which might not work too well. I would love it to end, even if its just by people understanding how life forms in the womb and seeing their alternatives to abortion. Yet that is one thing that is pretty clear about Obama, he is extremely pro-abortion. I have read conservative opinions on this issue with him, and liberal opinions on this issue with him. Yet, no matter who writes it, he still comes out as very much against ever having anyone call what is in the womb as being a legal human (or even post-womb in an attempted abortion). It would have been nice if even as being pro-choice that he at least still would try to reduce abortions. So, as I really do believe abortion is murder, this is a big turn off to Obama.

All say, I voted today. I think part of me will be disappointed with whoever wins today. Part of me really wants Obama to win. I want to see what "Change" he will bring. Maybe it will be great. Maybe it will be terrible. Who knows, that's the scare exhilarating part! I am excited to see what he would do. I will be sad if McCain wins. I will feel like we are in the same rut, with the same politics and the same old America which I think can improve. Yet, at least I will feel more reassured that somethings might be okay, even if they are the same. Yet on the other hand, he might do things I terribly don't want, taking more rights and lives away under the name stopping terrorism when maybe it is his administration who are really the terrorists. I don't really know what will happen with him either. Whoever wins, I have a healthy fear of the change which is to come (or not come). Either which way I will experience a little grief and remorse. Either which way I will have a little bit, if not a lot of excitement of what is to come. And lastly, no matter who, I will choose to respect them as the leader of my country and pray for them to do the best job possible. After all, I am sure either candidate would probably do better than me! Or at least I'm glad I don't have to have the job!

I am thrilled I get to be part of this exciting democratic process of shaping my country. This is a historical day no matter what, either a Black man will win or a woman VP. That's a pretty big deal stemming from the civil rights movement or the women's right movement. Although I might never find a candidate in my life time whom I both like and actually support, I am thankful that I am not oppressed and enjoy the blessing of being an American.

Pro What I Believe

I am not gung-hoe about any candidate. In fact, I pretty dislike all of them. After all, no candidate is "Pro Everything I Believe." No candidate is even close. And last I knew, that was a good thing to vote on: what we believe, right? Or more specifically, as a follower of Jesus I am pretty sure I should vote for what matters to Him (as I agree). Yet, this is where it gets difficult. That has a lot to do with the fact Jesus really didn't care about politics, or at least that is what I understand when I read the gospels. He cares about people. A whole lot. Everyone was expecting the "Messiah," the guy whom they understood would take back David's rightful place on the throne. They wanted the political hero, the zealot who would take back Israel with a vengeance and reap justice and return peace. I have no doubt Jesus was down with that, but He was very clear that it wasn't the time for that even though He totally could have then. Yet when Jesus could have gotten all sucked into the realm of ruling, instead He was determined to show His followers this was a time for humility, a time for serving others and loving people to the fullest degree. He claims He will come back some day and do the whole ruling deal, bringing justice and make our world into the most perfect utopia. I believe that. I am pretty sure its not going to happen as long as humans are on the throne, at least.

I know some of you have heard me talk so happily about socialism. Whether its my Communist Celebration Chili (which tastes awesome by the way) or the fact I rather admire Robin Hood who steals from the rich and gives to the poor (i.e., redistributing wealth), either which way, maybe you could call me a sympathizer. I like the fact that the first followers of Jesus shared all the had, ate together and gave everything of theirs to who needed it. I think its ideal. Yet, ideal or not, its impossible with human nature around. Pretty soon that didn't work out when the "followers" of Jesus started lying about what they were giving. Apparently that was pretty unjust and wrong in God's eyes, as those who did that died instantly. I don't think God was trying to teach a lesson that socialism is evil. But that's an example of how it can't work. People are power hungry or money hungry, which makes socialism into a scary system when it is actually in effect. When we were in China those we met completely glorified their government, not realizing how little opportunity, life, and how much oppression they were under within that communistic system. My husband also raised another good point the other day, that within a socialistic government there is no motivation to work for anything. Of course, if everyone was perfect they would joyfully work hard for the beauty of loving their neighbor in the name of justice. So, once again the ideal of socialism falls short unless everyone is like God, and perfect and self-less in every way. So, despite those reasons as being extreme downfalls to the system, I think I would like socialism.

Yet, as that obviously can't work out, there is then the idea of a theocracy. This can go wrong pretty easily with the very likely possibility of a dictator being in charge. But even if there was a perfect monarch on the throne to beautify the Musketeers' motto "all for one and one for all," there are other problems. The first of which would be that it depends on which religion the theocracy is based. Currently there are many Islamic theocracies. I am pretty sure I wouldn't want to be part of their kingdoms. I guess that would have a lot to do with the fact that I disagree with Islam as a religion. You've gotta get the right religion on the throne. And no, that would not be Judaism either, following the example of the old testament. I think that can teach us a lot about God, but honestly, Jesus came to free us from that system and fulfill it at the same time. It is not current, no matter how many Christians want to glorify it. Seriously, we'd all be missing body parts or have been put to death by now if we lived under this system. Us girls would be hidden away for much too long of the month, there would be dead sacrificial animal blood everywhere near the temple, and we'd never get to eat ham for Christmas (Excuse me, the Festival of Lights). There were a lot of benefits of it at the time, but it never worked out because God's people wanted power, abused power, didn't listen to God, and never shared God with others. It might have been an ideal if God was really in charge of it, with perfect justice and yet mercy being the ruling factors......but because of the choice of the people, it is the not the ideal. Maybe in a case where we could remove human nature and free choice once again.....

So, in the end we have a democracy. Its wonderful. And scary. Here we are, with our free choice making decisions again......by the end of tomorrow the choice of the people will decide what direction our country will go in for the next four years and beyond.

Who Is Buddha or any of those "Figures?"

I wonder what people would tell me if I asked who Buddha is. I wonder what people would tell me if I asked who Krishna is. I wonder what most Americans would say about Muhammad. But I don't really have to wonder who people in NOVA think Jesus is:



In this context Jesus is asked about as if He is a person. Typically, I think most consider the concept of Jesus as just that, a concept. An idea, a religious symbol, a philosophy. There aren't very many individuals who are the center of a belief. I consider the above mentioned people for the most part historical figures who started a way, or, a religion. And that is if I actually pull them out of the "concept" category and consider them people. But Jesus? Jesus is different, and I think He has been gotten wrong. Not only is it hard for most to think of Him as a person in the first place, but even if they do something is missing. Yes, He did start a "way," just like those other dudes. But that way is HIM. The Way is the person. Now that's a little different than those other dudes. Hum. I am content just to ponder what that really means for awhile . . . so off I go. Bye!

The Not So Brave Me In the NOVA World

Sometimes I wonder about my friends, my life, my place. My husband has been pretty sick recently, going to bed before nine, skipping out on life because he is too out of it. I also have been sick, but as its carried on for a good four weeks now, I have been trying to do stuff while sick as otherwise I go stir crazy (unless I just sleep constantly, which I actually think I could pull off). I don't really think I hide behind my husband when it comes to social stuff. I just prefer his presence as a safe person to return to when there is no one else to talk to at the big party, I always have a guaranteed seat next to him, and its just nice to have someone to enter the room with you (making you feel like your not alone). I guess those are some of the nice benefits of being married, of which I am thankful for. I am generally pretty outgoing but I still have those brief moments of "What if I feel alone? Panic!", and therefore like to have a comfort zone of people I know I am safe with when I feel unsafe.

So though I am trying to be more brave and be okay by myself in the NOVA World with older, more experienced, more knowledgeable, and more educated people than me . . . I am still practicing.

Example: Sunday I went out to lunch with people after church. It was pretty much a bad experience. Maybe I'll tell you a little more about it in my next blog entry, but for now I'll just say this part. I was there long before anyone else, and was beginning to think that they changed the location without telling me. In reality, they just took a longer than normal time to clean up and get there. Since I was first, I chose a spot that wasn't the best, but I thought it was a guarantee that I wouldn't sit alone. Ya right. Somehow in large groups things like that just don't always work out. They were freaked out there wouldn't be enough space, so little clumps of people saved other tables, and my large one was sporadic with people, with no one near me. I generally know everyone loves me. Yep. They are my family. But they didn't feel like my family. No one wanted to sit next to me (Or maybe I should more honestly say that no one bothered to). I had been rather depressed that weekend and no one asked me how I was. It was annoying, because I really try to do that for other people (or at least I think I do), so that they don't sit alone and have someone they can talk with. But apparently my efforts don't go both ways. Finally another lady sat near me, whom I was excited about because I think she is generally lonely and I was hoping to maybe make her feel accepted. In turn, before I could move next to her, a couple who is pretty much impossible for me to have a conversation with sat down across from me because there was no where else for them to sit. I felt bad, because then I couldn't move next to the lady I wanted to without being rude to them. But I felt bad for them because I wasn't exactly the best person suited to make them feel welcome themselves, and I am sure they didn't. As I thought they would, though I tried multiple awkward conversations attempts, they all failed. Then, my good friend who I was aware was pretty depressed sat on the other side of my baby. She also tried awkward conversation with those across from us though I knew she really didn't want to talk, she was just trying to be brave herself. She was trying to be brave with people she know are her "family" but don't always feel like it. All to say, the people I did want to try to talk with, her, and the other lady, were too far away in that busy loud room so we couldn't actually hear eachother. I mean, there was some good too. A friend of mine knew I wasn't doing well and tried to make me feel better, but he couldn't really hang around me as it probably wouldn't be best. And my pastor took my daughter from me, which was pretty nice of him. And though I am glad I didn't go home, and feel depressed there instead, It wasn't a great experience.

Example Two: So, outside of this church experience, there is my neighborhood experience. I love my neighborhood. I love the community we have here which was probably the biggest reason we wanted to move here. But honestly, I feel like I have an amazingly hard time fitting in. I look at the other families who don't fit into the "click" of neighbors I am with, and I kinda feel sorry for them. How would they get into this 'wonderful' click? Is there a hazing ceremony I was unaware of that they can do? I am in the click by default, because we are best friends with some of the people in it. If it wasn't for that though, I wonder how many of those people would have ever said hi to me. So often I can't get beyond any small talk, and the small talk really doesn't last long. I pretty much seem to have nothing in common with any of them, which is why. I get a long best with the men, but all I can pretty much do is ask about their work, which runs dry. They don't ever ask me anything, which doesn't surprise me. I could be the most famous artist or write New York Times Bestsellers, and they wouldn't know. The women I can talk with about kids. Yet their kids are all a lot older, and well, how long can you talk about kids? Or maybe I should say, how long do I have enough patience to talk about kids? Especially when I don't think any of us really want to talk that much about them. Okay, its not only people with kids. I'd probably fare better if I could actually play a sport. But I can't, and because of that I really don't add much to the neighborhood except a cute baby who makes all the kids go "ahhhh." Yes, I am sounding pretty pessimistic. Yes, we like hanging out with our neighbors, heck, we went on vacation with them! I just don't know how to get past those walls, and just everything else that makes me feel like I have a huge sign on my forehead that says "I don't belong here just in case it wasn't obvious already."

Tonight someone in the neighborhood is throwing a party, an adult-only party. I was hoping on going, but as the person who invited me never actually officially invited me, it was kinda awkward to plan on going. Last night that finally got cleared up (though I guess somewhat awkwardly through my friend who was like, "Hey, weren't you going to ask them to come? You never actually did!"). But as I was never really invited, I was never told what time it was, or the more important detail that it is a costume party. All to say, by the time it finally has come about, with my husband and I being sick, he went to bed. I don't feel well, but I kinda want to go. Technically I could walk two doors down and go right now. But then I couldn't find a costume. And just thinking about going to that party by myself is one of those things that I can't seem to overcome in my mind. I really wish Josh was awake and would go with me. But as Stacy said, it is pretty much ZERO probability that after he is asleep he will go anywhere with me : ) If I went alone It would be fine. I'd probably have a lot of awkward small talk. I'd eat a few things, drink some sugary soda or something else bad for me while I am sick (or a fuzzy navel, which is bad for me when pregnant). I might have fun. I'd try to hum some Rockband songs which I can't sing now as my singing-voice is pretty much non-existent with this cold. I could always sit next to stacy and jill if all else fails and they would get stuck being my "social comfort zone" because I just don't fit in. So, I could have gone and still could go and be fine. In fact, I am kinda mad and unhappy that I am not. I mean going shows that I care about people in this neighborhood, that I want to be a part and give my part. It might be meaningful, which I hate missing out on. But, honestly, I have no energy to be a fake me hiding all that is real and deep down inside because people just don't get me because I am not like them.

And maybe thats the thing that gets me so yucky about living with these relationships in NOVA. Is that I feel forced to not be me. Not because people are making me not be me. Maybe its just because I am beyond what is normal and they don't have a paradigm to fit me in. Which isn't bad, its just the part outside the paradigm is ignored because its not understood. And hence, I feel like I am fake because only the tip of my iceberg is being spoken too, whereas the rest lies underneath dying to break free and be recognized as existing. Or you could even say though I would love to be real with those around me, they don't want that because that is something they don't know how to deal with. Its like the time I had a conversation with a person who had just taught on being real with people. The person asked me how I was, and I said I was terrible. They were totally shocked by my answer and changed the subject right away. Hence, a lesson is learned that even if people want you to feel like you can be real, they really don't know how to handle it. I wonder if I do the same to others.

Anyways, in this week I have had one successful example where I kept going and trying even when it sucked, and another which I didn't fail at because I didn't even try it out. Maybe next week I'll be braver. Or maybe not. I'm still practicing.

Food Personalities

I do a lunch group thingy where random women/moms come over on tuesday. Their children fill up my living room (in which there is constant banging, happy squeals, occasional yelps mixed the the words of imaginations working hard) and the ladies all scrunch around my kitchen table piled with food we bring (which gets small very quickly). This week we are doing our personalities in food. I thought I'd share what I was.

I thought I was a fruit bowl. Not just any ordinary fruit bowl, we are talking about the ones made from a watermelon rind, with skewers of fruit chunks coming up in fashion designs on all sides of the bowl. Strawberries and blackberries and raspberries, some concord grapes and melon pieces and nectarine pieces drizzled with sugar-lemon juice. Yep. That's how I see myself.

Now some of my friends were not satisfied with that image. I don't know if its just too exciting for them, or if they just didn't see that as practical or ethnic. Or more likely, it reminded them of the business that makes those now, and I really don't seem to fall well into a business format. For whatever the reason, they thought I was sushi. I am down with sushi, in fact I really really like California rolls. I didn't think it fit me well, though, as it wasn't sweet. And even if I am not sweet, I like sweet food! I am not sure if I can let that go. Along with the fact I don't really think sushi has enough color. But I am okay with sushi if it has a big hibiscus flower on the side of its plate, and wasabi and ginger for garnishes. Not that I actually really like those, its more so it adds some color and spice. So, we agreed on sushi.

I decided to be sure of what I really was by taking some of those online quizzes. Yes, this is what I do all day *wink*. The first one said I was a tomato. Really? A tomato? That's kinda....boring. The reason it said I was a tomato was because "I am colorful but I have a hard time making up my mind and deciding on things." Hum. I just never realized tomatoes were indecisive before. But, I've learned since taking this quiz that I must be wrong. Tomatoes are the ESSENCE of indecisiveness, thank you cheesy online quiz for teaching me the truth!

Ironically, the next quiz I took said I was Mexican food because I am "spicy but dependable." Alrighty. I generally think of dependable and unable to make up your mind as opposites, but I guess they aren't. And I really am indecisive. And I generally am dependable, at least I try to be and think I am pretty faithful to my friends. Of course, this might have been a learned tribute as opposed to a natural characteristic. I don't feel bad when friendships come and go. Does that mean I am not dependable? And I don't always write e-mails back. Hum. Anyways, I do get the Mexican food. I was thinking maybe I could be Mexican food, but then I would have to fight my friend for it who I already declared was fajitas. I can't be fajitas because I don't like the veggies in them. But oh, I love Mexican food!

Lastly, I took a quiz of what junk food I am. Apparently, to them, I am Chocolate Kisses:

"You are creative, complicated and flirty, although perhaps a bit disorganized and unpredictable! You're a great example of a 'melt-in-your-mouth' personality wrapped up in a colorful package!"

You know, I would have never called myself Chocolate Kisses. Since when are Chocolate Kisses complicated? Unpredictable? Boring, yes, but unpredictable- um, no! I do agree with the "melt-in-your-mouth" aspect of Kisses. Though that could be kind to say about me, I am not too sure I melt in people's mouths. Innocently, of course. Or maybe its a mean thing. I am so little of anything I conform, melting away into what people want me to be until there is nothing left of me. Oh, that's bad!

Anyways, I am still trying to decide which of these things I really am. After all, this is our lunch tomorrow. Happily, I do not have to be defined by online quizzes which are made for people to post on their sites and feel better about themselves although none of their friends will ever read the quizzes (or at least not take them seriously). I guess we all have the incentive inside to want to like ourselves and identify ourselves. I think God does better at that than I do. Or, if we'd like, at least we have the option to go to lesser sources for our self-definitions such as online quiz gurus or our local Starbucks:

"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall! Decaf! Cappuccino!"
(Joe Fox, You've Got Mail)

River of my Life: A Lot Makes me Happy (apparently)

I am rather happy to be living the life I am living. Its a happy night.

Our life group just left. I was in a scurry to get them sitting nice and pretty, our living room was a wreck just before they came, toys and markers scattered on every surface of our hardwood floors. But that was worth it in itself. How happy is an Avi taking markers out of a box? A happy Avi indeed. Besides, I babysat a little boy who goes to our church today. He had fun with the toys too. I have no doubt his parents were happy to have someone watch him. And, happily, we get to hang out together for dinner just because I watched him. That means we maybe are going to become better friends with them. Ya, the mess was worth it.

Our life group had an awesome discussion. We had to be open, even vulnerable talking about what we believe, our experiences, and our understandings of the Bible. An extremely controversial subject didn't divide us, it just made us so much closer. I left it, along with the others, with the conclusion that God is alive, He is here among us and He is speaking to us personally today. It was just so cool. If this is my small group, I want to hang out with them and talk with them about God and life every night. It was really worth cleaning the kids' mess so they had a place to sit down.

My husband is out at some friends playing music, possibly being the "salvation" of the band this weekend, stepping in to sub while the main guitarist is out. That just might mean the world to the band head, who's birthday is tomorrow, and the drummer in our life group. And on top of which, it makes me smile to know his talents might be used, that only makes our family more alive. Even if nothing happens with that, I can't help but admire him for being willing to step out of his comfort zone and be used this way.

I am also thinking about joining the band, which is kinda scary for me. I haven't been part of a a band for 4 years or so now, and I have never been part of a extremely musically oriented band such as this (as opposed to more of a worship focus). I must admit, I am nervous as my skills aren't too refined, and I am afraid I will start yelling at everyone to stop stressing out and just be concerned with God, not performances. But hey, if God sees purpose in me being part of this I am willing. Tomorrow I am supposed to "try out" so I guess we'll see how that goes. I am glad Josh was gone for awhile tonight doing music stuff because it made me think of music, play the paino and sing for awhile. That makes me very happy, along with the fact that maybe it helps me sound better (which could be useful tomorrow).

My friend who lives with us is going through a really hard time. Sometimes we come across tough decisions, and she is totally in one of those intense situations now. On top of which, she was really sick today. Sometimes I don't know how to be a friend to her, but I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to show her love. In fact, I am pretty sure sometimes I do a really bad job at being her friend. Today she helped calm my fussy daughter while I cleaned the living room, burnt my cookies and made our dinner. I filled up her cup with water, told her to ring the bell for me if she needed help on her sickbed and tried to be there for her when she cried. I am so thrilled at how her living in our home has blessed us, and has given us a chance to bless her. I have seen her grow in ways and become a different person who I am proud to say just keeps getting better, wiser, and closer to truth.

She introduced me to another friend, a friend who at first I couldn't handle. Apparently my attidue has changed though, as am looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. We had an awesome conversation last week which I can only describe as living with people = discipleship. I am not sure why she listens to me, but its kinda cool that she does (I hope I don't say anything stupid). She is coming to a dinner with me this week that I have the feeling might open her up to her whole new world of her favorite passion. That's just cool.

Tomorrow a few other of my friends are coming over. Sometimes we talk about God, sometimes we talk about food, but we always talk about our kids and politics. Honestly, they can be a crazy bunch of people, but they are real. And they love other people. And they want other people to join us; we aren't a click. So then maybe new people can also experience what it is to be real. And to have a forum to bounce ideas off of. I am the lucky one that gets to have them in my house every week. On Tuesdays when they leave I slump into a chair, wanting to pass out with exhaustion, but oh, what a sweet death it is.

A few other of those women will come with me to this dinner on Thursday night. Its for 1st Choice, the pregnancy crisis center I used to work for. Its always fun to go to, getting dressed up and eating a fancy meal in which I always have to ask josh what the proper etiquette for fork usage is. I am hoping my guests have a good time, and I am hoping the Center also has their needs met. What I really hope is to get people connected with a vision for something, that maybe, just maybe might be theirs to catch. I like sharing my passions old and new, hoping someone else will jump on the boat. Like my other friend who I used to not be able to handle. A lady I ran into at a store today was someone who I brought before to this dinner. It ended up being her thing and she was able to help out for awhile. So, just like that, I like to help things spread.

I am also excited because a girl I regularly get together with is watching Avi while we go to that. That makes me happy because Avi knows her, and I know her. I just really like it that I have a relationship with this girl, that I get to be there for her and kinda mentor her in her life. I don't know if I actually "help" her or not. But that she singles me out to hang out with during church, that must mean something, right?

On Sunday our neighbors came to our church. It was awesome. They were there, the people we chill with on our front steps with throughout the week, they came. How cool is that? And not only did they come, but they want to come back! Its so exciting to see how the relationships the Hills and us have with them are coming full-circle. They are seeing God, seeing love and are starting to seek Him out. Or at least, not pushing Him away. I mean, one of my neighbors who is very 'good' and doesn't need God, she totally was cool and listening to me when I nervously invited her to church. She didn't come to church, but she came to an event our church put on. I mean, really, that is something.

The Asian family next door brought us a part of their special ethnic cake today which she said they made specifically in mind to give us part. I guess our multiple left-over cakes we've been leaving with them have either rotted enough to make them feel obligated to give back, or they really appreciate our efforts to talk with them and wave back and forth to their kids. I am pretty sure its the later. One of the ladies also gave me some plants, some tomatoes, and another one gave me a birthday present for Avi. She was thanking me the other day for even just being interested helping other people learn English. She opened up and started to tell me about some of the hurt she has experienced within this year. That means something. Though some of our other neighbors despise them because they are Asian, we have the chance to show impartiality to all our neighbors by having a relationship with them.

This and that, there is always stuff going on. We have so many other friends we see randomly, have over for dinner on occasion, run into at Starbucks, drive to work with or see at the Dr. My life seems to be a quagmire of odd relationships that take turns here and there, sometimes down a winding river, sometimes over waterfalls. But when I look back on them I am always amazed at where the river has turned and wonder where it will go, intersecting again or rushing far away. I might not 'do' anything but I am sure doing a lot and knowing many.

I seem to recently be around people who are having a difficult time. This is ironic, because I am going through anything but a difficult time. I wish I could spend more time with my husband, yes, his work has been pretty intense lately. I wish my daughter was feeling better, she was a whinny-butt all day, blowing bubbles with her boogers. She isn't feeling well. I slept terribly all night, and I have morning sickness off and on all day. I get stressed over little things, like dinner or when I can have a date again with my husband. My concerns are small, and really, not very important or big. I am AMAZINGLY blessed. I had a friend yesterday who was experiencing a set-back that was kinda minor. In her eyes, it was huge, end-of-the-world huge. She had a crazy week and this was the end of it. We were able to just be with her, help her through it and help figure out the problem (okay, I didn't help her figure out the problem, Josh does that technical stuff, I just do the relational part). In the process another one of our friends bought us all our meal. Yes, very kind. And you know what that makes me be aware of? I am in a family. I am in the most amazingly family ever, of people who will sacrifice, love eachother, and die for eachother in various ways. I mean, we all got our stinky feet too. The bad moods, the annoyance at eachother, the freakin' out over issues that will work out as we let them. But we are intertwined, our lives collide and the Holy Spirit somehow works among us to make us into the most beautiful thing we could ever have on earth. We have life, we have community, we have Jesus.

RE: Politics and the well-trodden path in my mind a discussion on politics always takes me down....

(This was written in response to comments in a political forum (in essence) some of my friends and I have)

I still think:

1. It would be really interesting to have all 4 people be together as co-presidents and co-vice presidents. Either that or make it into an Obama-Palin combo or McCain-Biden combo. I know, I know, that couldn't really ever happen and no one would ever agree. But can't I think the unrealistic would be exciting? Not saying I would "like it" exciting, but more so "interesting" exciting. I guess my creativity just can't help playing out in politics, also. The opportunities to mix the characters together is just irresistible, its like creating flower (or weed) bouquets. I guess its easy for me to say that as I don't particularly love any proper set of these guys, as you all probably know.
2. I still think I should make "Pro- Whatever I Believe" Buttons and sell them. Saying I had the resources to make, distribute, and effectively sell these buttons, how much do you think I could make by November if I copywrite this slogan? If anyone has a cheesy button machine I want to borrow it.....Seriously!
3. I still believe that someday the economy of the U.S.A. will REALLY actually crash. I read a great quote the other day in some big newspaper; I read it in the Times or the Post. It said something such as "You should financially start worrying when people stop trusting eachother." Of course, it was more beautifully written, but I thought it made a lot of sense. As soon as people stop thinking there is money (which would be a logical thing to think, as most people live off of credit, and as there is no actual "gold" or resource backing our money) and therefore stop trusting eachother with lending, banking, buying, etc.....we are screwed. That trust in our credit cards and loans is what keeps our economy going. Anyways, I could rant and rave about the economy again like Carrie, as I agree with her, but there is no need. I just believe we have a responsibility to God to manage our finances wisely, not to make us richer, but to pour it into building His kingdom while we actually have money we can pour into His kingdom. And trust me, we all have money we can pour into Jesus' concerns. Or even if you don't care about Jesus, you probably still think its good to care about some of His concerns.....the poor, hungry, thirsty, and sick: they still exist. They do along with all those oppressed in slavery, by governments and war, and those unjustly imprisoned. We are not assured of money in ten years, one year, or even tomorrow. But today while we have I think we should care. Wisely investing our money is not really investing into our economy, wisely investing in money is investing in people's lives. Okay, and there was that well-trodden path in my mind politics often brings me to. So don't be surprised if you hear it again *smile*

That the Cookie Says & What I Just Might End Up Doing

Now I'm not too sure if God speaks through fortune cookies, but today I got one that said:

"You are capable of tremendous creativity."

In the past month or so I have been questioning God about what He wants me to do with my creativity, and I think I have the answer. Actually, I think I had the answer and since then I've been questioning if that is really what I should do because I doubt my creativity. You might have heard me say before that I am not an artist so much as a creative person who's creativeness sometimes comes out as art. Art has a difficult definition. Is it in the production? Must it require skill? Who determines aesthetic value? Part of the reason I love the movie Mona Lisa's Smile is that Julia Roberts challenges our paradigm of art; something which cutting edge artists and musicians are always doing.

Do I make art? I'm not always so sure. Some people might love it as art. I have no doubt others don't consider it as such. Its hard to set a value for your art and proclaim yourself as an artist, vying into the community of people seeking the same pedestal. These people who are also amazingly self and others critical, often emotional, and are constantly begging for worth at the same time they are oozing pride. Artists really are just a unique brand of people. Really. Go meet yourself an artist if you don't know one, and imagine surrounding yourself with that type of people. I am not too sure I want to go back into that world and set myself up as an artist.

Yet at the same time I think I might have stumbled across what it seems I should do. I am always coming up with new ideas of what I should "do" which I am pretty sure is why I shouldn't have done any of them. Whether a lawyer to fight for human rights, a teacher to reproduce my worldview, a writer to sneak ideas into the minds of the masses......I am always convinced I should do a new activity. I know I am a visionary, and some of the visions I have I really do hope to do someday. They are tucked away within my heart for another time. Either which way, I am constantly driven by the calling I believe God has given me to "change the world." What's really ridiculous is that I actually believe that is what I am supposed to do, unlike, I am guessing, 98% of the population who is like "sure, whatever."

How the heck do you change the world? I really don't know how to do that. I generally used to think big, until I moved to Ashburn. Then I started feeling so hopeless and fighting the phrase "just change your corner of the world." Okay, I have become okay with that idea as long as it is one corner at a time *smile*. I guess I've known for awhile that my life is supposed to do with my family (Josh, Avi, baby & extended family), creativity (art and music), and something international (very vague, I know....travel, missions, cultures, international justice issues). Also somewhere in there is loving people, and helping other people with their struggles and all the things I am gifted at doing (whatever those might be at whatever time). But generally, over the times I have sought God about what I am supposed to do with my life, this is what He has showed me.

Honestly, for the most part, since I have moved to Ashburn, I know I have been establishing my family and have been growing by leaps and bounds in maturity, humility, selflessness, not finding my identity in what I do and a ton of other things. Okay, maybe none of you see that, but really, if you could compare me with how bad I was before in these ways, you'd see a difference (even if I'm still bad now). On a not so positive note, I have also grown more reserved in self-conscious way, struggle with depression and purposeless and have stopped playing and writing music to a large extent. Yet it seems maybe, just maybe, I am moving into a new season.

Okay, moving beyond my unnecessarily huge preface: So, what is it? What am I going to do? So this is what I've been pondering. I collect old furniture and such people needlessly throw away in our area. I love to paint them and refurbish them. If I could sell them as art, I could make a profit. If I could make a profit, I could help by giving money to all the international issues I care so much about and want to make others aware of. Therefore I am changing the world (although not in a massive way) by taking my creativity, using it to bless the nations, and all the while still able to invest in and care for my family first. And, on top of which, it is actually possible, like now! Generally I come up with these things that I'd have to change a lot, go back to school to add to my education, and are often conflicting with other important things in my life (such as having another baby). This has to be the first time that this has not been the case.

I am not too sure I even remember how this idea came to be, except it suddenly came to me while lying in my bed one night, unable to fall asleep. Since then it has taken a greater form. I've been thinking over it a lot, planning how it would work, talking about it with Josh and some other people, and praying about it. I have my doubts if it would work. I often wonder why anyone would buy my work in the first place. People have before, but not enough for this to seem like a promising endeavor. I have put something on Craig's list and it hasn't sold. Part of me has been doing this as a Gideon's fleece. Therefore I wonder if I should take it as a sign from God I shouldn't do this or if I am not trusting God by using this as a Gideon's fleece when everything else He seems to be saying is go for it. There is a lot more personal stuff in how God has been speaking to me, and I won't go there now. But all to say, I keep getting a vibe that God wants me to step out, trust Him to do this big thing of selling my art, and see my worth in Him. I kinda like that idea. It gives me shivers as it is so....dangerous. We like to ask God to give us big visions, not really to have the faith for them to come about. So, although this is actually a very possible reality for my life right now, its still big enough to make me need a big good God. Its exciting to be on this limb.

So, there is my idea. I guess by sharing it on my blog I am taking another step forward by making it public. Now that I've got that over, hopefully I'll find the time to share with you the plans of how I'll actually maybe do this. Exciting! Yey!

Baby's Birthday #2

Well, I have the official count now: I am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I was right, I am not nine weeks along as originally though. It is weird that we have known we are pregnant for 5 weeks already, thanks to First Response, which, mind you, ripped us off for that little digital pee stick (I'm still slightly bitter I bought the wrong test. Though as it was so early, another one might not have picked up the pregnancy that soon).


Anyways, I thought I'd share the happy news. The due date is May 5th, 2009. The baby looks pretty blobish, with a slight semblance to the baby in-utero shape. Yet above is what it technically looks like right now. We have a good heart-beat of 150 beats per....minute? Whatever it is, it is healthy. So, that's about it. Happy baby!

Avi's Activities

Avi has been getting a little more active of late. She still doesn't walk but she is a creative little 'fellerina when it comes to exploring the world. Here are activities of hers in the past days:

-Climbing up our staircases. She is becoming a climbing pro. Amazingly, she always passes by the power tools and keeps going up, up, up. Yesterday she was starting on the stairs to the loft by the time I found her.

- Today she did an exciting magic trick. She actually pulled a placemat out from under a vase of flowers.....and the vase stood still. It was pretty cool.

- One of her most, no, her FAVORITE place in the house is the toilet. She loves playing in the toilet water (whether there is something or nothing in it). She thinks its hilarious to splash the water about, and if she can she'll throw something in it. She likes the toilet downstairs, in her room, in our room and in Target equally the same. Apparently she doesn't have toilet preferences. Just as long as the lid is open.

- Other activities include emptying the recycle bin, emptying the Tupperware cupboards, pretty much emptying anything there is to empty. Be forewarned: If she empties your plate, she will also do you the honor of throwing it on the floor.

- Flipping through the mail and any magazines is also an important task. She will often follow this by spreading them nicely on the floor. Working on a collage no doubt.

- She likes to delete e-mails and change the settings on the computer. Often when using it, she will sneak up and start hitting the keys before I can move her. This has resulted in deleting long e-mails, stopping movies, posting things (which should not be posted), and changing our whole computer language into Chinese Characters. Very useful.

- Another past time is chewing on cords or plugs. Actually, this pas time is SO last week. She hasn't been as interested this week.

- She is also mommy's bodyguard. She has the ability to follow me everywhere, even if it means trying to hold onto my legs while I am walking around the kitchen cooking dinner.

- Putting her headband on. Believe it or not she actually can do this. I just usually looks rather odd, as it ends up around her neck or semi-hanging on the back of her head. When I put her headband on I am pretty sure she is thinking about how pretty she looks. When she puts it on I am also pretty sure she is thinking about how pretty she looks.

-She has been trying to eat with a fork and spoon of late. She really has no skill. Today she was hamming it up, making these crazy faces anytime I would give her the fork. She then proceeds to put it in her mouth and either clap (cause she did a good job, obviously), or try to violently stab her plate. It is immensely rare if she gets anything on her fork, though. The way she holds her spoon (no matter how hard I try to reposition her hands) inevitably causes all her food to fall off before it reaches her mouth. Don't worry, though. She is still pretty happy that SHE put it in her mouth and not me.

-Lastly, she is a big dancer. Anytime she hears noise or music she starts dancing around, wiggling her body and laughing. It can be Mozart, screamo-rock, or alternative. The style doesn't matter, the sway does. Its really cute.

-Of course she loves, "walking" with daddy holding her hands, playing with her friends, looking at her books and playing with her toys. But, these formerly said things are her unique points. And oh how we love her.

Lovin' like a Milk Man (or Maid)

(To be noted: the first paragraph of this entry isn't exactly worth reading)

It is late and I can't sleep. I have reached the sleepy cooled down state in my body, like a nap hangover. But my brain just won't be so still. In the morning I always wonder what I would write about. I often look at my journal or consider blogging, but I just can't think of anything worth saying. For some reason as soon as the sun falls below the horizon my mind often seems to wake up. Not necessarily smarts (debatable if I have any of those at all *wink*), but just thoughts. These deep analytical ponderings are where I attempt to figure out the puzzle of life, death, and Mancala. So here I am once again in that state: Partially asleep hoping I can stop the running train inside. And so I write.

Currently my mouth is numb. I have an unkind canker-sore inside my lip. It hurts, and its ache pulled me from my bed. I used the nasty medicine on it, that bright brown lava goo which you drip on. It burns at first, and then you contort your mouth in odd ways to attempt to keep the stuff from getting all over your tongue and teeth, as anything it touches it numbs. Once I drank from a cup Josh used earlier after he used this medicine. I started freaking out because my mouth was going numb and I didn't know why. Apparently it is powerful stuff, lingering on anything. This time I didn't do my typical mouth-dance to keep me from numbing up; I was just going to suck it up. And I am, numb all over. I keep licking the left side of my mouth as I am pretty sure I am drooling there, but I guess it just feels cold, the cold not being my spit. Instead I am drooling right from the center of my mouth. Very attractive. A numb mouth makes for great entertainment. If your easily self-entertained, that is.

On a deeper level, I have been laying in bed itchingly aware of my complacency. In fact, its slightly uncomfortable to acknowledge, but I think I am rather nominal. Since I pride myself as not being as such, or at least not wanting to be nominal, its kinda gross to admit it.

Yesterday I was challenged to fast from the dare I say it? From the love of my taste buds: creamy sweet coffee. I understand fasting as denying something as to prove that you are serious about something else. Hence, if one fasts from food, they are showing God that they are actually serious about what they are asking for (whether its praying for another person, an issue, or just to become closer to God). Of course, there is more to fasting than that, but that is a part of it. I don't particularly like to fast, and never have. Often I have out of guilt, mainly being I should do so because its spiritually the right thing to do for me to get what I want. Not exactly a great attitude, you see. I don't ever remember a time where I willingly enjoyed doing so (even if I have enjoyed the results). Generally when the idea of fasting comes up I try to squelch it right away. Its not that I am against it if it is actually necessary. Yet I am always trying to convince myself that it is not necessary. Do you ever do that? Try to convince yourself you can get the same results without a certain amount of effort? Maybe its just human nature, but I am pretty sure I am pretty lazy that way. Just pretty sure. There is a line somewhere between necessary and unneccesary. . . if I can just find where that line is I'll set up camp there eternally. If I do x y & z I'll will get whatever. But can I get whatever by doing just x & y? If so, heck ya, I am just going to do x & y! In this case I don't want the path less traveled. I want to path of least resistance. Which, come to think of it reminds me of some verses about the narrow path is the only one in following Jesus vs. that large road of least resistance which is safe to say does NOT lead to Jesus. Hum.

It is kinda pathetic to me that I won't willingly jump to do whatever makes God happy. I can barely even get myself to do what He asks me to do. When you are newly in-love you go out of your way to make eachother happy. When you are 'seasoned' in marriage you do what is comfortable, which generally means only doing what the other person asks for. But, oh, how much happier is the marriage for both people when you randomly (or always) are going out of your way (yes, serving selflessly) to make the other person happy?! It breathes life into the marriage! Its like vanilla ice-cream-drizzled blueberry pies and butterflies, like glorious sunshiney mornings and rainy cozy day hot-chocolate & popcorn by the fire. Its like singing birdies! Okay. Um. Sort of. Honestly, though, sometimes pulling a hammer out of your derrière is easier than to say "Thank you for doing the dishes." Why is that? Its not like its hard to say. But sometimes it requires so much gumption to barely tiptoe an inch out of your way to make the other person happy.

God seems to be a romantic. He's given flowers and sunsets and poems. Yet our relationship does not go both ways. I am still huffing and gruffing to get that sledgehammer out of my backside to make myself make Him happy, and often ignoring His requests to pick up 1% milk from the store for Him. Or whatever it is that God plainly asks of me. You know what I mean? Why do I go back and forth being like "is this really really actually necessary for my well-being, other's well-being, God's delight?" I mean, God seems to delight in me whether I am a flaking piece of crap (as long as I am acknowledging my dependence on Him) or if I am the brightest silkiest fastest-hoping bunny on the bunny trail. He likes me. But I don't seem to like Him. I always thought John 14 was kinda tough saying we only love God if we obey Him. But right now its easy for me to see its not a matter of us meeting at x y & z or we fall short; its not an emotional statement saying that doubtlessly He will reject me because I know I can't meet up to perfectly obeying, i.e., loving Him. Its pretty much a statement of fact that when you love someone you will be trying to love them. You should try to make them happy and get their milk they asked for even if its at 1 a.m. at the local only-place-open Harris Teeter so they can eat their freakin' tasty fiberous Mini Wheat's in the morning! It makes you happy to make them happy! That's why you should! Yep. Wouldn't that be nice? We don't believe in that selfless milk-maid relationships most of the time, though. Maybe when we are are starry-eyed in love. Generally the reality we choose is a reality of laziness and/or self-service which doesn't love just to love.

In the book of Revelations Jesus is talking to one of His churches saying they lost their first love. I am pretty sure I am not in love with Jesus like the 1 a.m. milk type of love. I sometimes cringe at obeying Him. I do as little as possible to get by. My spiritual life suffers because of this and the people I crave to reach out are also thus shafted. I don't want to be spiritually numb like my drooling mouth is.

I was going to write about a bunch of other stuff. I was going to talk about Avilynne and her idiosyncrasies. I was going to talk about how I wish others would challenge me and how I think I should be challenge (haha, I'd probably regret saying that later anyways). I was going to talk about how I think God wants me to teach English to my neighbor and that I am afraid of doing so, how I have a healthy fear of getting drunk and that I want to write a children's book, change the world and never leave the emotional safety of my mind although I long to go parasailing in all manners of life. I guess these topics will have to wait until the train keeps running in my mind some other sleepless night. In the meantime I will enjoy being slightly sparked with a bit'o conviction. If I can still feel it, I must be still alive. :)