In and Out of These Melodies: September 2006

Beginning
Current mood: groggy

I started school this past week. I have been so consumed for the past month of sheer busy-ness that it is nice to know I am finely going to be put into a routine. Though it is not any calmer or less busy : )

So far it has been odd. I am married. I am at a different stage of life than most undergrad students. Most are younger than me, though by not much. Still there is a noticable gap in maturity, more so in the thinking. I have yet to continue analizing what makes a married college student different from a single one. But I do know that sometimes I am so relieved to have a ring on my finger, knowing I have someone I belong to, a home, and a church family. It is such a great reasurance in the midst of thousands of young people swirling around, hoping to attract someone. Its like a world of magnetics. Some attact, some push away. But most people are lonely. You can tell. We are a lonely people. Other times, honeslty, I will turn my ring under, seeing how it is also seems to magically work like mace. I don't want to lie; I don't want to deny my commitment, either. I just hope the person next to me will be willing to have a conversation with me, not ignoring the possiblity of friendship just because I am married. Its been so hard to meet people, and that ones I have, I wonder if there is any point to why I did. I don't really feel like being part of chess club, debate team, or the gay rights activist group. There are apparently multiple Christian clubs on campus, but they all meet at night. I got a brochure from one of them and I realized why people think Christians are stupid. It was a classic christian girl, very modest with no style, and a smile plastered on her face. I couldn't help but wonder how often I have looked like that. All to say, no offense to them, but I went to find a different one. There was a fraternity of them. Firstly, I make fun of frats/sororities, so that didn't seem a good match, along with the fact I was skeptical that they were "christians." The InterVaristy group doesn't seem like it is really up and running there, and the Campus Crusades seemed cool, but once again, are all at night time events. They actually seem like they might be making an impact there. I did find one other group, and actually talked with some of the people from it. I might try to hook up with them sometime, but I can't go to any of their meetings. So, someday I hope to make a group of friends on campus. Maybe that will end up waiting until next semester, though. I do know one girl who is was josh's co-worker who we are good friends with. She is going to school full time for one year, so its nice to see her every once in awhile when our classes permit.

It has been hard trying to switch life around. I quickly realized I won't get to work at the PCC (The Pregnancy crisis center I am a volunteer counselor at) on a regular basis, I already feel behind on P4N (Passion for the Nations) assignments, and I miss my girls that I nanny for. This weekend I went crazy having a dirty house, and no grocieries because I feel like I have to do all this stuff that josh says I don't (though I don't really believe it) and school at the same time. I get to read, though. Good thing I like to read more often than not. I have not just 1, but 2, no, 3, more, 4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17 books/texts to read in the next three months alone. along with presentations, papers, and tests. One of the books I am reading right now is about the genocide in Rwanda. It blows my mind that the hundreds of thousands of people were brutally murdered with clubs with nails, and machettes.....not just that but the corruption that went behind it, and how the 'Christians' were the ones who played such a huge role for these deaths. I have so much to say already on all the books and class discussions we've been having, but they must wait for a later time.

Happily, this new beginning in my life has been good. Luckly, I am already really liking it, energized by the new ideas, trying learn, while deciphering issues, and discerning truth from lies, and applying things from a spiritural mindset. I think I can feel my brain expanding a 1/8th of an inch daily. Don't worry, I also go to a humble compressing machine everynight so I don't get a big Head. I hope. Anyways, Its been cool. I like it. I am so incredibly blessed to have this oppurtunity. I think most younger people who go to school don't know what its like to think that you'd never be able to do that. For so many years I would have never dreamed I would actually go to a university to study what I want to. I mean, I don't have to be concerned with studying something that will bring in the bacon. I don't have to worry about debt. I am so blessed. I could be focused on surviving. When getting married, I didn't really believe I would go back to school, though I wanted to. Its just hard. I could get pregnant. Then there is trying to live, and the time, and the cost of school, as well as the consideration that this might not profit us in the future. I sure hope what I learn is an investment in the kingdom of God, though. That's what I pray. I am so blessed that josh is excited with me, and is supporting me. He has so much to do with this, and I am so thankful I have such an awesome guy who understands this! As well as encouragement from others. But mostly, I am so thankful to God that He is giving me this oppurtunity. I am so hyped. Anyways, this is a little bit of my life of late.