Now I'm not too sure if God speaks through fortune cookies, but today I got one that said:
"You are capable of tremendous creativity."
In the past month or so I have been questioning God about what He wants me to do with my creativity, and I think I have the answer. Actually, I think I had the answer and since then I've been questioning if that is really what I should do because I doubt my creativity. You might have heard me say before that I am not an artist so much as a creative person who's creativeness sometimes comes out as art. Art has a difficult definition. Is it in the production? Must it require skill? Who determines aesthetic value? Part of the reason I love the movie Mona Lisa's Smile is that Julia Roberts challenges our paradigm of art; something which cutting edge artists and musicians are always doing.
Do I make art? I'm not always so sure. Some people might love it as art. I have no doubt others don't consider it as such. Its hard to set a value for your art and proclaim yourself as an artist, vying into the community of people seeking the same pedestal. These people who are also amazingly self and others critical, often emotional, and are constantly begging for worth at the same time they are oozing pride. Artists really are just a unique brand of people. Really. Go meet yourself an artist if you don't know one, and imagine surrounding yourself with that type of people. I am not too sure I want to go back into that world and set myself up as an artist.
Yet at the same time I think I might have stumbled across what it seems I should do. I am always coming up with new ideas of what I should "do" which I am pretty sure is why I shouldn't have done any of them. Whether a lawyer to fight for human rights, a teacher to reproduce my worldview, a writer to sneak ideas into the minds of the masses......I am always convinced I should do a new activity. I know I am a visionary, and some of the visions I have I really do hope to do someday. They are tucked away within my heart for another time. Either which way, I am constantly driven by the calling I believe God has given me to "change the world." What's really ridiculous is that I actually believe that is what I am supposed to do, unlike, I am guessing, 98% of the population who is like "sure, whatever."
How the heck do you change the world? I really don't know how to do that. I generally used to think big, until I moved to Ashburn. Then I started feeling so hopeless and fighting the phrase "just change your corner of the world." Okay, I have become okay with that idea as long as it is one corner at a time *smile*. I guess I've known for awhile that my life is supposed to do with my family (Josh, Avi, baby & extended family), creativity (art and music), and something international (very vague, I know....travel, missions, cultures, international justice issues). Also somewhere in there is loving people, and helping other people with their struggles and all the things I am gifted at doing (whatever those might be at whatever time). But generally, over the times I have sought God about what I am supposed to do with my life, this is what He has showed me.
Honestly, for the most part, since I have moved to Ashburn, I know I have been establishing my family and have been growing by leaps and bounds in maturity, humility, selflessness, not finding my identity in what I do and a ton of other things. Okay, maybe none of you see that, but really, if you could compare me with how bad I was before in these ways, you'd see a difference (even if I'm still bad now). On a not so positive note, I have also grown more reserved in self-conscious way, struggle with depression and purposeless and have stopped playing and writing music to a large extent. Yet it seems maybe, just maybe, I am moving into a new season.
Okay, moving beyond my unnecessarily huge preface: So, what is it? What am I going to do? So this is what I've been pondering. I collect old furniture and such people needlessly throw away in our area. I love to paint them and refurbish them. If I could sell them as art, I could make a profit. If I could make a profit, I could help by giving money to all the international issues I care so much about and want to make others aware of. Therefore I am changing the world (although not in a massive way) by taking my creativity, using it to bless the nations, and all the while still able to invest in and care for my family first. And, on top of which, it is actually possible, like now! Generally I come up with these things that I'd have to change a lot, go back to school to add to my education, and are often conflicting with other important things in my life (such as having another baby). This has to be the first time that this has not been the case.
I am not too sure I even remember how this idea came to be, except it suddenly came to me while lying in my bed one night, unable to fall asleep. Since then it has taken a greater form. I've been thinking over it a lot, planning how it would work, talking about it with Josh and some other people, and praying about it. I have my doubts if it would work. I often wonder why anyone would buy my work in the first place. People have before, but not enough for this to seem like a promising endeavor. I have put something on Craig's list and it hasn't sold. Part of me has been doing this as a Gideon's fleece. Therefore I wonder if I should take it as a sign from God I shouldn't do this or if I am not trusting God by using this as a Gideon's fleece when everything else He seems to be saying is go for it. There is a lot more personal stuff in how God has been speaking to me, and I won't go there now. But all to say, I keep getting a vibe that God wants me to step out, trust Him to do this big thing of selling my art, and see my worth in Him. I kinda like that idea. It gives me shivers as it is so....dangerous. We like to ask God to give us big visions, not really to have the faith for them to come about. So, although this is actually a very possible reality for my life right now, its still big enough to make me need a big good God. Its exciting to be on this limb.
So, there is my idea. I guess by sharing it on my blog I am taking another step forward by making it public. Now that I've got that over, hopefully I'll find the time to share with you the plans of how I'll actually maybe do this. Exciting! Yey!
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