Johnston News

1.) Avi not only still likes to play in toilet water, but she can also now successfully lift the toilet seat (to my dismay).

2.) Baby #2 is kicking and rocking inside. I have actually forgotten how far along I am exactly, but I have been feeling movement since week 16, the earliest possible.

3.) Avi is getting better at walking and she can also officially climb down the stairs as well as go up them. Yeppie! Oh, the wonderful mobile world!

4.) Josh seems to be constantly moving and going, traveling often for work to the Chesapeake Bay, or sometimes he is a little luckier, such as going to FL last week. All to say, I am rightly jealous that he gets to see, go out on and at least have the opportunity to enjoy salt-water. Its rather not fair, as I am the one who loves the ocean, though his pictures and google-earth GPS locator I at least am in touch with the water through some form of media/technology.

5.) Late next week I have my mid-pregnancy ultrasound. As many know, this is THE ultrasound, the one everyone always waits and pines for. We can officially find out the baby's sex. Last time we thoroughly enjoyed not knowing the baby's sex and frustrating you all to no extent, making you guess and be annoyed. Besides it was a ton of fun hearing "its a girl" when Avi came out. Honestly, I am afraid that if we find out what the baby's sex is, then it won't be thrilling or exciting at all when the baby actually is born. My friends tell me this is silly, but I really don't see how it can be thrilling when you know what your having. Of course, maybe that's even more of a reason for me to find out what we are having, so then I can be proven wrong. All to say, Josh is letting me decided if I want to know or not in advance. As typical for a decision of this 'caliber', I cannot decide and I often find myself going over the pro's and con's. Currently I am leaning towards finding out the baby's sex. This is probably because I have been somewhat rather wanting a boy; its an expectation I do not want to carry with me into the delivery room. Besides, if it is a boy, then I can plan for it. Is it possible that is its a girl I can keep it a secret and if its a boy I can know now? That would be ideal! But I guess that just doesn't work since its pretty much a 50/50 thing. Hum. Any comments?

6.) My news of today is that my Dr. called confirming that I have mono, you know the "kissing disease" (or whatever we called it in high school). Isn't that delightful? I got it from our housemate who we think is just getting over it (don't worry, we weren't kissing- at least not like that *wink*). So, this explains why I wake up every morning with a sore throat, still need almost 12 hours of sleep a day in my 2nd trimester, why I have swollen lymph nodes and why I still can't knock off sickness in general (which I've pretty much had some form of sickness since the last week of September). So I am actually not really surprised (or even disturbed) by the news. In fact, if anything I am happy that I have finally been diagnosed with something. This is because a lot of my life I haven't been diagnosed for something when something has often seemed "wrong," so this time I am glad to know I am not a hypochondriac and at least there is some distinction (so therefore I am allowed to not feel well and don't have to pretend that nothing is wrong). If I understand correctly, mono doesn't have a particular treatment and it doesn't effect the baby in me (and Avi shouldn't be able to catch it), so I'm guessing it won't be a life-altering problem until it fades down. I just hope for Josh's sake I haven't given it to him.

7.) Lastly, news wise, I came to the conclusion that I am overall

• Content
• Doing a lot
• But still "being" as my identity

In other words, this is where I often have hoped to find myself for many years. I think I am maybe getting better at not having to define my self-worth with what I do. I've been realizing this as I had a profound revelation that I "do" a ton, a massive amount actually. I am involved in a ton of stuff which surprised me to acknowledge that. But the distinction is that I am not aware of it. It isn't a stressor, it isn't what I live for. Its more so I am living life, and I'm pretty content living life, doing what I do or not doing those things. For those of you not like me, this might make no sense why this is an amazing thing. Yet for some of you, you know exactly what I mean. Anyways, I hope I can continue down the road of contentment with life the way life is and where I am in it.

Avi

"He will delight over you...rejoice over you with singing."
Zeph. 3:17

Today Avi had her 15 month Dr. appointment. It went well, meaning she is well. She really didn't like the shots. I still hate watching her/helping her get them. Yet the sucker she got immediately after was like salve for her wounds : ) Her screaming quickly turned into the following as soon as she got that lollipop:
She would suck it, drool, yelp, stare meanly and inquisitively at the nurse, suck again, cuddle into me, look behind me to make sure the nurse wasn't coming again, let out another cry, and suck some more. It was cute and funny.

She is walking more, though still falls alot. She walks rather like a proud zombie, smile on her face, arms out in front. She is more whinny now wanting her own way. Sometimes it seems all she does all day is whine. But really, she also still laughs and smiles all the time. Ironically, today when I would expect her to whine she has pretty much been smiling and laughing non-stop. Its great. All day she has been saying "up" and "uhoh" (along with her own unintelligible language).

Avi is a joy. She fits her name well, "the father's delight." Which I take to mean mine too. She just makes life better. Someone told me that once you have a child you can't ever imagine them not being there. Sometimes I try to imagine life without Avi, and to my surprise I always can. Yet in my mind's eye there is one major problem of her not existing (speaking as though she never existed, not as if she died as that would include grief, etc...). If I imagine her just not being, its as if the essence of joy disappears. Its like imagining a world with no light or music. A major missing element is gone. Of course I know that other things that have joy and happiness within them would still be here. But with her gone, all joy fades. Its an oppressed imagery in my mind.

I personally think this is a profound insight to who she is. Yet as I consider it, I wonder how much farther it goes....for every person who should exist that doesn't, is there a major element of joy missing? Like an aborted child? Or any human who dies? Is that what it is like in reality? I feel like maybe in this I have gained a slight glimpse into God's heart, what He feels about each human He created. Maybe that's what the Father's heart really is. What does it mean to be the Father's delight?

Marriage

I just found out another set of my friends is getting divorced. Sometimes I feel like I hear of a new dissolving marriage every week. These aren't always people I just 'hear of,' but sometimes I am close to them. Of course, its an extreme exaggeration to say every week. Still, it is obvious marriages in America have a hard time surviving. Or its probably more accurate to say marriage between humans have a hard time surviving.

Anthropologists claim that marriage is really a human institution and should not be defined to one man and one woman, as that is not historically accurate. Not so much in the department of marriage being defined as being of the opposite sex, yet more so that a it doesn't work with just one person for life. There is a term for the most common type of marriages (which I forget- serial marriages?), but it holds the same principle as polygamy, having more than one spouse. The only difference is that you hold one spouse at a time, rather than typical polygamy where you have multiple spouses at one time. Whether anthropologists are correct or not with their belief that most marriage is historically not acted out as one man and one woman for a lifetime, that doesn't really bother me. It really might be true, from my vantage point of life right now it seems that it is true most have multiple spouses (or lovers at least) in their lifetimes. What gets me is that anthropologists take this to claim that therefore the current western definition of marriage is incorrect.

It is assumed that marriage must be a human institution which is fundamentally flawed as it doesn't reflect reality. Today I was somewhat depressed that this does seem to be true, that marriage seems to be flawed. Its tempting to blame marriage problems on marriage being the problem. I started feeling worried about my own marriage, as generally is the case when I consider marriages splitting up. After all, Josh and I are rather human having our own issues and problems. It seems it would take a miracle for us to not someday end up as another statistic until all marriages are swallowed up by the ugly head of divorce.

In the midst of my depressed thinking I had a profound revelation. Anthropologists are wrong that Marriage is a human institution, let alone a flawed human institution. Of course, aspects of marriage are cultural, and maybe a part of it has the aspect of being a human institution. Yet, in reality, marriage is a God-given (and blessed) institution. It is not flawed in itself. Obviously, the people in each marriage are flawed. But its not the concept, the covenant, the promise of marriage itself which is flawed. It is divine, supernatural even. That was just so relieving. Therefore, I can conclude from that that if my marriage will survive and thrive, it will because God is involved. I am reminded of an old couple I met who was celebrating their fiftieth(?) anniversary. I asked them what made their marriage last so long. They responded "God is the only way any marriage works." They didn't know if I believed in God, or if I was an atheist. But they themselves had obviously experienced His miracles in their marriage. I can't look in the future and say what will become of my own marriage. Obviously I hope it makes it, and that it is beyond "making it," beyond even a "good" marriage. I hope to end my life with a great marriage, not just at the end but throughout. I can thankfully say that my marriage is dependent on God, the author of marriage. Humbly, we need Him to thrive. We need Him for our own humility, to not just cast blame, to tear down walls, to resist temptations, to forgive, to be bigger than the selfish monster within us. Marriage is not a two person act, it is fundamentally a three person act.

I know most people don't consider marriage as spiritual (even if their sex life is heavenly), and if they do they think of it as freaky. Like how Mormons don't take off their underwear and must all be polygamists and want to be eternally pregnant. Of course, those might be completely false assumptions anyways, but that proves my point. It sounds freaky, however you imagine it. But everything has an element of spiritual. Why wouldn't marriage, along with the accepted aspects such as being emotional, sexual, physical and mental? When I consider marriage as being beyond Josh and I, beyond humanity, beyond this world, it seems more possible. If anthropologists, those who study what it means to be a human at the most fundamental levels, have concluded that marriage is flawed as a human institution, I think that means something. It IS flawed at a human level. Which is why its so nice to know it goes beyond that. There is hope yet for marriage in God.

Politickle '08

Happy Election Day! I just returned from the polls with my proud "I Voted" sticker beaming for attention my shirt. Why does voting feel so good? Even if I did believed our elections were fixed I have the feeling I would still feel great post-vote. I know I am generally easily entertained. But seeing all my fellow Americans at the polls with me, the smiling democrat giving me a sample ballot and the smiling republican.....it all just makes me happy.

Of late I have been in a quandary about the elections. Actually, that's not fully true. I was semi-interested pre-primaries. Especially the day before when I researched the candidates for a good six hours or so. But then I lost interested when it was a fight between dear Hillary and dearest Obama. I have tried to stay somewhat in tune with it during the debates, but since my initial research I pretty much wasn't. Though, thanks to my wonderful lunch lady friends I was forced to keep up, at least enough for conversation. So of late I have realized I can't go on forever saying that I am not sure who I would vote for. I mean, today at the polls I was very very tempted to change my mind last minute and vote for Mr. Libertarian just for the heck of it.

So, as that last sentence implied, I was really okay with not voting for who I voted for. How does one decided who to vote for when they don't really like those running? A friend of mine brought her daughter to my house today. She is almost three. She told me that she likes to vote and I asked her who she was voting for. She told me she was going to vote for "daddy." That's awesome. I wonder if her daddy would do a better job running the U.S. than these candidates. After all, he is probably "Pro Everything That I Believe" more than these guys are, abet, not practiced or knowledgeable in the realm of politics. I guess that means he wouldn't be a good candidate (no offence), but still, I'm just thinking of any alternatives.

My first problem is that I really like Obama. I mean, who doesn't? He is a nice, handsome, "family" man. Fully charismatic, great personality; why wouldn't I like that? He stands for change, something we all crave. But, as my husband says, "Change isn't good when its going the wrong direction." And I guess that is my biggest problem with him. Not that he has less experience than McCain. Honestly, that doesn't bother me at all. According to studies, experience doesn't determine how good of a president you'll be, examples being FDR and Lincoln (http://www.electoral-vote.com/evp2008/Info/experience.html). What bothers me is that we share very few actual beliefs in common, or at least legislatively.

I like the fact that he cares about the poor (supposedly, or at least his party does). Caring for the poor is something that is mentioned hundreds of times in the Bible. This must be a top-ranking value to God. Obama supposedly stands for the environment. I think that is another value to God, He told us to take care of creation after all.

Obama is the anti-war item on the ticket. I don't really like war, though I think I am far from informed enough about this war to make a decision about it being right or wrong. I think its somewhere in between. Personally I hate war; its gross and greatly disturbing. Although in the Old Testament God was anything but anti-war, I get the feeling Jesus isn't pro-killing people for the heck of it. Is this war "for the heck of it?" And what about where we are now, what is the right or wrong decision about what to do next? When it comes to what will be done about it, I don't think Obama can really decide what is safe/best to do for all parties without being in that leadership position (and he probably won't know then either). Who knows what he will really do, even if he doesn't like war and is the anti-war candidate. McCain, he is experienced with war, and so in that sense I trust him more. Yet, I don't know if he will happily go around trying to bring every country into a democracy or not either. I like to think he won't, but he is pretty comfortable with war. I am far from being against foreign intervention, but I think when to intervene is a fine line. Hence, although I would love to avoid more deaths, I don't think I can really know in advance what any candidate will do this coming year or four years from now when it comes to war. Decisions like that can't be made in advance without knowing all the details. Hence, I don't feel like I should vote with war being a determining issue.

There are others things, too. I am against the No-Child Left Behind Act, I hate the Patriot Law and Guantanamo. I am generally pro-immigration and am convinced there is no good solution for that issue. I am not concerned about the economy because I already have come to terms with what I consider a fact that someday it will crash completely. I am not too concerned with gay marriage although I am not pro-gay marriage. For the most part I don't think its worth fighting about and don't think it has much to do with this election. I am also pro-gun ownership. And, as I consider both candidates liars, who knows about anything they say. I have many more opinions, many of them more formed on issues I care much more about. Yet these are generally not political opinions, and therefore don't really matter when it comes to this vote. and who knows if what I consider to be good now I will consider to be good later. Yet either which way, some things I have no doubt I will think are still important years from now.

Recently I have been getting a bunch of e-mails from friends of mine. Christian friends of mine. They disgust me. They declare that McCain is God's candidate. I don't think God has a candidate. I think He leaves it up to us to decide. I think He allows who He wants to be in office whether they stand for the same thing as Him or not. Its no secret in the Bible that He will allow a bunch of wicked people to rule, even if He doesn't like them. Jesus wasn't political. I am sure He didn't love Caesar's oppression on His people, but Jesus willingly paid taxes to him without a fight. Jesus wasn't a zealot. And Jesus isn't a Democrat or a Republican either. It disgusts me that people I know really believe that McCain is God's answer and we are being bad followers of Jesus if we don't vote for Him. Its like those stupid e-mails that say you don't love God is you don't forward the e-mail along. Its ridiculous! I think my lifestyle is much more saying than what trashy e-mails I forward or don't, and for which candidate I voted for. Don't get me wrong, I think it is a healthy responsibility to my country and even to God that I vote. But I also think God might happily direct some of His followers to vote for opposing candidates. Maybe they see different things God values within that candidate, and that's why they vote for that person. Maybe those opposing votes would bring about the results God would want. Whatever. The traditional right's "bad guy" might be whom God wants to win for the sake of purposes He has that we don't understand. I don't claim to know the mind of God and I don't think we should either, even if we do read the Bible or believe God is speaking to us. Its fine to have an opinion, but I don't think its fine to condemn others based on your voting understanding unless the Bible says "Vote for McCain in 2008." And I am pretty sure I've never read that in there. Voting just isn't an issue in the Bible, not like Jesus' love and justice is.

I think I have just wanted to rebel against all those who say I must vote Republican. I want to be liberal because I am sick of people who follow Jesus claiming to be right (on the right). I've known too many 'Christians' who care about abortion and gay-marriage but don't care about Jesus or people. Talking with those who are voting for Obama is sometimes a breath of fresh air (unless they are only voting for him because they are mesmerised by his charismatic beauty). I had an argument with a friend of mine the other day who totally thought I was a liberal and then wouldn't believe me when I told her that I tend to be politically conservative. To her I was a liberal. I didn't mind it that she thought that, as long as she understands what I really stand for. I have a few friends who I am so thankful are there because they get what I am feeling. I at least don't feel this way alone. And in that, so here we were, looking for someone, something to convince us to vote for Obama just so we don't have to vote for the McCain we don't really like. Or maybe for me, so I don't have to succumb to the traditional right that I am getting so much mail crap about.

And although I can truly say I would have preferred to vote for Obama, I never found a good reason to. I only found two real reasons which made me vote for McCain. One is that I agree more with his value system when it comes to who he would place in the supreme court. I read a quote of Obama the other day which was rather old, from 2001. Although the context is about rights for African Americans, he says some things which make me scared that he will not hold up our constitution (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_xNyrzB0xI). The longer versions also talk about how he wants to redistribute wealth, which is what he was receiving a lot of negative attention about in this past week. I personally don't know how much or how little Obama wants to adhere to the constitution; from just one quote he said years ago, its hard to know what he really believes. Yet, I can say that I do want people in the supreme court who are conservative and who are trying as hard as possible to adhere to the constitution; judges I do not think Obama would put in place. Even if I might not prefer some conservative decisions this type of supreme court might put into place, I think it is much safer for America as a whole to have more conservative decisions made than liberal decisions. In extreme decisions like those coming from the supreme court, I like there to only be change that is good change (in which was deliberated forever and agreed by all before it was actually declared "good"). I have little doubt I wouldn't like Obama's picks for court.

The other issue is the abortion issue. I am not someone who will vote for whatever crack-smoker just because they declare themselves to be pro-life. Even so, I apparently hold it to be a high value. Abortion hurts. It hurts women terribly much. It hurts little humans. I can argue why abortion is wrong, and would love to hug any woman who has been through the experience with the little understanding I have of what it would feel like to be her. Yet, I really don't want to debate why I think abortion is both wrong and should be illegal right now, though I very easily could. I don't have high hopes for it becoming illegal again, and I think it would be really hard as that would also force a culture shift, which might not work too well. I would love it to end, even if its just by people understanding how life forms in the womb and seeing their alternatives to abortion. Yet that is one thing that is pretty clear about Obama, he is extremely pro-abortion. I have read conservative opinions on this issue with him, and liberal opinions on this issue with him. Yet, no matter who writes it, he still comes out as very much against ever having anyone call what is in the womb as being a legal human (or even post-womb in an attempted abortion). It would have been nice if even as being pro-choice that he at least still would try to reduce abortions. So, as I really do believe abortion is murder, this is a big turn off to Obama.

All say, I voted today. I think part of me will be disappointed with whoever wins today. Part of me really wants Obama to win. I want to see what "Change" he will bring. Maybe it will be great. Maybe it will be terrible. Who knows, that's the scare exhilarating part! I am excited to see what he would do. I will be sad if McCain wins. I will feel like we are in the same rut, with the same politics and the same old America which I think can improve. Yet, at least I will feel more reassured that somethings might be okay, even if they are the same. Yet on the other hand, he might do things I terribly don't want, taking more rights and lives away under the name stopping terrorism when maybe it is his administration who are really the terrorists. I don't really know what will happen with him either. Whoever wins, I have a healthy fear of the change which is to come (or not come). Either which way I will experience a little grief and remorse. Either which way I will have a little bit, if not a lot of excitement of what is to come. And lastly, no matter who, I will choose to respect them as the leader of my country and pray for them to do the best job possible. After all, I am sure either candidate would probably do better than me! Or at least I'm glad I don't have to have the job!

I am thrilled I get to be part of this exciting democratic process of shaping my country. This is a historical day no matter what, either a Black man will win or a woman VP. That's a pretty big deal stemming from the civil rights movement or the women's right movement. Although I might never find a candidate in my life time whom I both like and actually support, I am thankful that I am not oppressed and enjoy the blessing of being an American.

Pro What I Believe

I am not gung-hoe about any candidate. In fact, I pretty dislike all of them. After all, no candidate is "Pro Everything I Believe." No candidate is even close. And last I knew, that was a good thing to vote on: what we believe, right? Or more specifically, as a follower of Jesus I am pretty sure I should vote for what matters to Him (as I agree). Yet, this is where it gets difficult. That has a lot to do with the fact Jesus really didn't care about politics, or at least that is what I understand when I read the gospels. He cares about people. A whole lot. Everyone was expecting the "Messiah," the guy whom they understood would take back David's rightful place on the throne. They wanted the political hero, the zealot who would take back Israel with a vengeance and reap justice and return peace. I have no doubt Jesus was down with that, but He was very clear that it wasn't the time for that even though He totally could have then. Yet when Jesus could have gotten all sucked into the realm of ruling, instead He was determined to show His followers this was a time for humility, a time for serving others and loving people to the fullest degree. He claims He will come back some day and do the whole ruling deal, bringing justice and make our world into the most perfect utopia. I believe that. I am pretty sure its not going to happen as long as humans are on the throne, at least.

I know some of you have heard me talk so happily about socialism. Whether its my Communist Celebration Chili (which tastes awesome by the way) or the fact I rather admire Robin Hood who steals from the rich and gives to the poor (i.e., redistributing wealth), either which way, maybe you could call me a sympathizer. I like the fact that the first followers of Jesus shared all the had, ate together and gave everything of theirs to who needed it. I think its ideal. Yet, ideal or not, its impossible with human nature around. Pretty soon that didn't work out when the "followers" of Jesus started lying about what they were giving. Apparently that was pretty unjust and wrong in God's eyes, as those who did that died instantly. I don't think God was trying to teach a lesson that socialism is evil. But that's an example of how it can't work. People are power hungry or money hungry, which makes socialism into a scary system when it is actually in effect. When we were in China those we met completely glorified their government, not realizing how little opportunity, life, and how much oppression they were under within that communistic system. My husband also raised another good point the other day, that within a socialistic government there is no motivation to work for anything. Of course, if everyone was perfect they would joyfully work hard for the beauty of loving their neighbor in the name of justice. So, once again the ideal of socialism falls short unless everyone is like God, and perfect and self-less in every way. So, despite those reasons as being extreme downfalls to the system, I think I would like socialism.

Yet, as that obviously can't work out, there is then the idea of a theocracy. This can go wrong pretty easily with the very likely possibility of a dictator being in charge. But even if there was a perfect monarch on the throne to beautify the Musketeers' motto "all for one and one for all," there are other problems. The first of which would be that it depends on which religion the theocracy is based. Currently there are many Islamic theocracies. I am pretty sure I wouldn't want to be part of their kingdoms. I guess that would have a lot to do with the fact that I disagree with Islam as a religion. You've gotta get the right religion on the throne. And no, that would not be Judaism either, following the example of the old testament. I think that can teach us a lot about God, but honestly, Jesus came to free us from that system and fulfill it at the same time. It is not current, no matter how many Christians want to glorify it. Seriously, we'd all be missing body parts or have been put to death by now if we lived under this system. Us girls would be hidden away for much too long of the month, there would be dead sacrificial animal blood everywhere near the temple, and we'd never get to eat ham for Christmas (Excuse me, the Festival of Lights). There were a lot of benefits of it at the time, but it never worked out because God's people wanted power, abused power, didn't listen to God, and never shared God with others. It might have been an ideal if God was really in charge of it, with perfect justice and yet mercy being the ruling factors......but because of the choice of the people, it is the not the ideal. Maybe in a case where we could remove human nature and free choice once again.....

So, in the end we have a democracy. Its wonderful. And scary. Here we are, with our free choice making decisions again......by the end of tomorrow the choice of the people will decide what direction our country will go in for the next four years and beyond.