Honest Doubts 1-4

Honest Doubts: Thought 4 (God + I) Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 4 Sometimes I wonder if the personal reality I experience of God is just a mix of the way I understand and view life with the concepts from the Bible. I think sometimes I am scared of fully understanding the Biblical God. I am not sure if I will like Him the way I like the God that I commune with daily. For me, this is a constant stretch of faith. It seems I have been in this phase of doubting God. In a way, I guess I just think that it is wise for me to question what I believe, to know what I believe and why I believe it. In fact, even if God wasn't real and I knew that, I am pretty sure that at this phase in my life I would knowingly choose to believe in Him anyways. I don't think I could let go of this just like that and without a replacement. The faith that I have in believing that there is something more to me out there who is all Good and all Big helps me not to just survive but thrive. I have no doubt that without this faith I wouldn't have life. Hence, whether God is true or not, I need Him. I need something. He makes the most logical sense of any religion. I have experienced Him on the deepest and most intimate levels. I have seen and heard of amazing supernatural things. There is so much evidence for His existence. And therefore, I have faith that God is real and applicable, and that He is my God. Still, what is my faith unless it is constantly being challenged to grow? So, these are my doubts of late which are challenging me to grow. Currently watching : French Kiss Release date: 18 January, 2000 1:13 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Honest Doubts: Thought 2 (God + Genocide) Current mood: confused Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 2 The other big thing that I really don't like of late is about God and genocide. In my mind, genocide is obviously unjust. I mean, it is something that breaks my heart and in my opinion should break everyone's hearts (at least once they understand an even small amount of its horrors). Hence, God is against it, right? Yet, the only place I know it is mentioned of in the Bible is that God commanded the genocide of various peoples in the OT. Also, in the books of the prophets God often spoke very genocidally. Concerning the location for Israel, maybe the destroying of the pagan nations wasn't as much about a land for His people as that it was that these people groups were wicked. But heck, all peoples are wicked! A project that I am working on requires I have a Bible study available for my church on genocide so I was trying to write or find one on the Internet. Well, um, the only things I could find about it on the Internet were people bashing Christianity because of how God did command genocides. I need some Biblical help with this one, because I can only seem to agree that that is true. Again, how is God applicable to someone in who has faced genocide? Why would they want to trust a God who instigated genocides? And how can I talk to my activist friends about this same God? Currently listening : Waking Up By Bethany Dillon Release date: 03 April, 2007 12:47 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Honest Doubts: Thought 1 (Woman+The Bible) Current mood: annoyed Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 1: I have been very bugged by the whole seeming "oppression" of women in the New Testament. I generally don't think of it as a big deal until I read these seemingly harsh verses that Paul writes. It makes me think he is a bastard. I have always kinda played them off as cultural, and generally, I think in someways that makes sense. This week they are getting to me, though. I mean there were women prophets and a deaconess in the New Testament, as well as other women leaders. Which in turn makes me think that Paul is just talking in, um, geometric spirals. I guess I just know of so much oppression of women, and understand the root of pain which is the foundation of feminist thought. How can I expect 'her' to experience and know God unless I can show her a God which is applicable to her life? I can understand the concept of submission to your spouse/father fine, that makes sense to me in how men and women work. Its not like God doesn't tell the husband to love His wife enough to sacrifice his all for her like Jesus has. Who wouldn't want to submit to such a good man that was laying down his every-day life for you and loving him as himself? Um, ya. I'm down with that. As I can see how this sacrifice/submission thing plays out in my own life with my husband, this doesn't bother me (not saying I just adore 'submitting' all the time, er...or ever). Yet, what I don't get is the allowance of a cultural oppression. Actually, I am not too sure what I don't get. But I know what I want. I want to really know that God really loves and wants the best for women. Jesus seems to, doubtlessly. But God as in the Father, and the other things post-Jesus in the the New Testament which lead me to be not so sure about this. Currently reading : Crusade of Tears: A Novel of the Children’s Crusade (Journey of the Souls) By C.D. Baker Release date: 25 June, 2004 12:30 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Honest Doubts: Thought 3 (House) Current mood: disappointed Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 3 I have always seen God work the miraculous or give an understanding. Currently, we just found out that the house we were buying has been taken off the market and foreclosed on by the bank which was selling it. This has side-swiped me. Over a the past month and a half we have gone to a lot of work to buy this house, and the last three or so weeks it has been just shy of for sure that we were going to get it. I began packing; we were just waiting for the bank to sign. I know I am of the disposition to always get my hopes up; you would think I enjoyed being on an emotional roller-coaster of sorts. Yet, I guess I see it as impossible to suppress my glee, and almost just as impossible to hide my tears (though, I do have some practice with the later). In otherwords, I wear my heart on my sleeve where it is plainly seen; it hopes, loves and breaks with ease. I am aware that this sometimes makes my husband crazy. I know he would prefer to box my heart from pain and lower all expectations so I could never be hurt. Yet, try as he might to protect me, it just doesn't always happen. Amazingly, in spite the way I am, I have not been crushed. Of course, if I never hoped it I would not be sad at all. But I am sad. I am very sad. It was not just a house. It was THEE House. Okay, for those who have seen it, I realize, it really wasn't that "great." But between the location of it, it being in excellent condition for the scenario, the perfect size with a beautiful backyard, as well as it being the "deal of the century" (as our real estate agent deemed it).....it was Thee House. I guess what has been hard that is seemed that God's fingerprints were all over the situation, leading us here. We have prayed and sought God a lot about this particular house. As of right now, neither of us feel at peace about looking at other options. It seems we are going to pursue it until we can't anymore, running it into the ground. Which in this case means that we might be able to buy it off an auction. As it has been a depressing and disappointing thing to not get it, it had been making me think a lot about how God has been so alive in my life. Or at least I attribute it to God. I have been ludicrously blessed in my life without reason. It seems only good has ever happened to me. And when it wasn't good, God helped me understand why it wasn't, which was for the good (and felt good). So, I guess all I can do for the most part is see everything behind me through a rose-colored lens: I have been blessed amazingly, and seen both supernatural things, as well as impossibly coincidental things happen over and over and over again. Even when life wasn't perfect I still see it as if it was because God has been in it. Yet, the future isn't rose-colored. The future has no color. The future is a choice between trusting in the God I believe has made all things good, or not trusting in Him. Of course, considering the track record I have experienced, you would think it would be easy to jump off the cliff and say, sure God, whatever! But, um, no. Though I dance easily emotionally, I still think very very very much. I like to know things and am ceaselessly analyzing my world. Last year we jumped off a cliff. I knew God was taking us on a journey of trust when it came to our living arrangement. In short, because I believed God was directing us to, we decided to move. We didn't find a place, had to leave within days after changing our mind to stay, we moved in with friends, other friends moved out of their place and we moved in it. It was great to see how God came through despite all. Yet, the saga still hadn't ended and I knew it hadn't. So, we have been in phase two, I guess you could say. So now as we believed God had led the way to this place, the door has been slammed in our faces. Which is, I might say, always a little faith shaking. Not so much in the sense "But God, you said!" (because I don't know if He really said anything). More so, He hasn't led us to do anything else which is actually plausible. Buying another house, that is plausible. Buying this house on auction, that is not. And its weird. If it happens, awesome. God will look even cooler, because He did something that seemed impossible and our faith will have grown more, as well as everyone else's who has been watching (I hope). But, if that is not what happens? And those are the moments I have to trust God for understanding. Did we not hear or recognize God correctly? Or did we really just go through all of this to learn something? To get connected with that one person? It seems more thrilling to say, oh, well, maybe it is because the economy is going to crash in a few months entirely and God is saving us from a bad business deal. Or maybe God is going to lead us to move away from this area shortly. Maybe God wants to give us a better deal or a better place somehow. Those can make sense. I can understand those things. But if the economy doesn't crash, if God doesn't move us on, and if we aren't looking for another place because God hasn't led us to....then I don't understand. And this is where my faith actually has to become faith. I hate the idea of sitting here and not knowing why we aren't directed to do anything else and not understanding why this, Thee House, was pulled out from beneath us. That makes me nervous. I am afraid I might not ever understand. I am afraid God won't direct us onwards except to do nothing. That makes me feel stupid because it goes against conventional wisdom to just go back to not looking. Basically, I am afraid that I will start seeing my past not through that rose-colored lens. In otherwords, I don't want to be like the majority of the world and not see how God was there. Because that is why I believe in God. I believe because He is and was there. I would venture to say that the billions of people who have been screwed over by life have not seen how God was there. So who am I to cry a river when others are being raped, tortured, murdered, enslaved, are dying from the flu, starvation, don't have water, medicine, with their family and friends hurting all around them....people who daily have no hope? I can hardly trust God with a house or not. Yet some people I greatly respect are in these situations and still trust God. If I am ever in that place, will I still trust God? I want to so badly. I want to see, at least believe that God is working in this housing thing so that way I can once again say, "yes, God is there." He has made the past rosy once again, and no matter what goes on in the future and no matter who I meet in the future that also questions God, I can undeniably say once again that God is there. That's why God wants to look great to us, isn't it? He wants to be made more famous so that everyone will know that He is worthy of our trust and our frail love. Currently watching : The Phantom of the Opera (Full Screen Edition) Release date: 03 May, 2005

Metaphors from the Moon

Metaphors from the Moon
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I really get this. Tonight I saw the moon. It was full, glowing, bright. It was only the moon, yet I could barely look at it. Soon all these spiritual metaphors were flowing into my mind. I really should go outside more. Sometimes I wonder why I left CA, because it was warm enough there to enjoy outside even in the winter. I think I hope to move back to a warm climate. There were benefits to places like Fiji and Hawaii. I think I experienced God so much more because I surrounded myself with nature. Though I might be surrounded by four walls, my space heater and computer in this VA winter..... tonight, in my car, I was able to see God in nature.

So, going back to the spiritual metaphors....I don't think I reflect God like the moon was reflecting the Sun. But you know what? It hit me that if the moon could reflect the sun so vividly even though it is sooo not the sun, then maybe I too can reflect God. No not just dimly, but with amazing beauty and charisma. With a blinding brightness, even though its obvious I am not God (um...just like the moon isn't the sun).

Then, the I remembered years ago when one time I was sitting peering at a full moon one Valentines Day, the year before I got married. I believed God told me He was giving the moon to me. I mean, that probably sounds weird. Yet, it was the most special gift. Its like the time my mom told me before she went on a trip to remember her whenever I heard the frogs croaking out my window (not as romantic). And, I do. And now, since then, the moon is such a connection between me and God. Sometimes I am convinced He must do spectacular things with the moon just for me right when I happen to glance up. Okay, I am sure its me and everyone else. Heck, I don't care if God "gave the moon" to everyone else. He gave it to me, dang it! And not me "too" even though it is me too....but it doesn't feel like it. And isn't salvation like that? He has offered it to us humans, yet just the same, it is the most personal thing ever. And it doesn't stop there.

Moments before I saw the moon tonight I was pondering how much salvation just doesn't do it for me. I mean, it should. Yet, I know I am terrible at thinking outside of my reality. And being saved from eternal death is just not my personal reality. I don't feel and have never felt like I was going to hell. I can say "yep, I am saved, I am going to heaven." Don't get me wrong, I am glad about it. It would suck if I wasn't. But I don't "get" it. I don't FEEL it, its just a mind knowledge. So, even though being saved and all does cut it, I am sad to say that I am much too human and demanding to really "get" Christianity just because of that. I just don't think that would do it for me. But, there is something that turns me on to this deal. Its that I am daily saved, daily renewed, I have new life currently. My pastor keeps harping on the verse in John 10 where Jesus said He came to bring "life to the fullest," and for good reason. This has always been one of my favorite verses. What this verse means gives meaning to life. And I think that's why there are so many countless people who live under the title of being a Christian but don't act like it and don't live like it. They wouldn't die for Christ, because they can't daily die to themselves. Why not? Because they don't get that there is really something that we are sooo freakin' blessed to get by doing that [dying]. We have life! We can FEEL that. That hits our reality now! Salvation is not just fire control, escaping hell. Its also so much about not being burned right now. And tonight, I felt burnt.

So, I know your wondering, "um...what about the moon? Wasn't this blog supposed to be about the moon?" So, with that, here was my other spiritual metaphor I pulled out of my moon-time which encompasses the present and the future:

It was so amazing. It was a glimpse of what Heaven must be like. There were moon bows; rainbows which were surrounding tonights blinding full moon with the clouds whipping past it. And that kinda fits the description in Revelations; the throne of God surrounded by rainbows with clouds of His glory and the Spirit passing by. Wow. crazy. And for a split second I almost could "get" the reality of heaven. Maybe for the first time. It was like sneaking a peak into a window when your not supposed to know what's inside yet (which, unrelated, I did really do the other day with a flashlight and all). It was such a little amount of Glory to be seen. But "for the Glory of it all ..." (Which happened to be the David Crowder song playing at the moment) as I sat there in the car in the cold night, I was reminded I am here for the Glory of YOU (no, not you person reading this. I mean God, silly....wait, you mean its not normal for people switch from first person to second person in the middle of a paragraph? I guess not). There is purpose in my living because you are glorified and enjoy helping me through, making me better, helping me thrive when I don't feel I can survive. No, Its not a game, but its fun for you, isn't it? You like helping me out and giving me that life to the fullest. You like say "sweet, check out my resurrection power in Elisa over there!" You get a kick out of it. And with that in mind I suddenly felt the energy, the strength to go back into my house. To face my sick and crying baby. To smile at my husband and want to love and appreciate him even when I don't feel perfectly loved. To face the work that needs to be done and the life I sometimes don't always prefer but I have anyways. Why? Because I wanted to give that gift to you, God. I just understood that it would make you happy letting you have fun by filling me full of life. To let you enjoying seeing your amazing power working in my life. I think that I think you only like to do that when other people are around to see, you know, so you are more "glorified" among the masses by the cool stuff you can do in me. But you don't need an audience to be glorified. Nope. You just need me.

So, that's what I got out of the moon tonight.
2 Corinthians 1:8-9:

"[W]e were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead."

Currently listening : Remedy By David Crowder Band Release date: 25 September, 2007

Rude By Default

Rude by Default
Current mood: Fatigued
Category: Fatigued Life

You don't have to try to be rude to be rude. Rude is default. I mean, who sits there and says "I am going to cut in front of that person to piss them off."? Of course, I know you all do that in your free time, but...

I have started realizing how naturally rude we are as I am near to the end of my pregnancy. Not too long ago I was taking the subway home from D.C. I got on at 3pm, when rush hour starts, though is far from the masses going home. The train was packed. A young mother was in front of me, with a young girl and baby. Heck, she could have been a nanny, it didn't matter. Whoever she was, I am sure she was exhausted, and needed a seat (for her's and everyone else's' sanity). No one offered her one, though. Here she was, in the middle in between the two doors, trying to keep the young girl from falling, keep the stroller from rolling, the baby from crying too loud while trying to balance herself. I was pretty exhausted myself, and would have really appreciated a seat. I had been standing a long time, and was quickly wilting, though trying to be strong just a little while longer. An older woman next to me was appalled that no one offered me a seat, being the obviously tired very pregnant woman that I was at the moment. She went off about how rude people were, probably within hearing of some individuals who did have seats, and then assured me that if she had a seat she would have readily offered it to me (as any decent person should). I appreciated her thoughts, though I really was okay. Still, looking around myself, I did start to wonder why no one would give their seat to the young mother or me. There were some young women who were completely chill in their seats nearby. There were business men. There were tourists. Maybe they were all extremely nauseas, and about to puke. Maybe they were all entirely unaware, though that seems very unlikely. Maybe they were all drugged with depressants. Or maybe they were just normal people, wanting to be comfortable. It's pretty easy for me to assume that the later is probably the truth, at least with the majority. They were comfortable, maybe somewhat tired themselves. They probably were thinking they had the right to sit down after a hard day at work. Or they probably didn't think it was that big of a deal, and justified their actions. And you know what? Their lack of action really wasn't that big of a deal. But in it, they proved to act rude.

Later that day I had to stop by a few stores, after I cancelled seeing a friend because I was too tired to do much more that day. A car cut in front of me to park in the spot I was going into. Hence, I had to park far away. I think they were in a hurry. I got out of the car, waddled to the store in hot sun and it was closed early. While waddling back to my car I was wondering if that person would have parked there if he knew how much more effort it was for me than for him. I really don't know if he would change his actions. I think a few other similar things like this happened throughout my day. By the end of it, I was pretty bitter, feeling the world was a very unjust place. I've been noticing this a lot in the last two months as it becomes harder for me to do simple things because of the bulging basketball that is my belly. I know it might sound extreme, but I feel like I know a little more of what it is like to be treated unjustly. The poor, the hungry, the sick, the weak, the prisoner, the taken advantage of, the foreigner, the needy: these are the people who really catch the attention of Jesus. Those who live under injustice. Apparently, the beginnings of injustice really do not require much.

In little things, I'm starting to see I am unjust. It really gets me knowing I have probably done these things a thousand times to others. How many times have I taken the close parking spot when the sick, elderly, pregnant woman, or exasperated mother really could use have used it? How often have I chosen to be comfortable or lazy, and in that was rude? How many times have I been so self-focused that I didn't even notice the other's needs around me? How often have I thought that it wasn't that big of a deal, or wasn't worth the effort to do something kind? How many times, how many times.....

Being rude or unkind is not something you chose to do. It's natural. A slight bit of selfishness on our parts, often unnoticed, is what slights others. I think that really hit me, how my non-actions can influence others, and how they really are a testimony of character, and whose character I represent.

Currently reading : The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference By Malcolm Gladwell Release date: 07 January, 2002

Beginning

Beginning
Current mood: groggy

I started school this past week. I have been so consumed for the past month of sheer busy-ness that it is nice to know I am finely going to be put into a routine. Though it is not any calmer or less busy : )

So far it has been odd. I am married. I am at a different stage of life than most undergrad students. Most are younger than me, though by not much. Still there is a noticable gap in maturity, more so in the thinking. I have yet to continue analizing what makes a married college student different from a single one. But I do know that sometimes I am so relieved to have a ring on my finger, knowing I have someone I belong to, a home, and a church family. It is such a great reasurance in the midst of thousands of young people swirling around, hoping to attract someone. Its like a world of magnetics. Some attact, some push away. But most people are lonely. You can tell. We are a lonely people. Other times, honeslty, I will turn my ring under, seeing how it is also seems to magically work like mace. I don't want to lie; I don't want to deny my commitment, either. I just hope the person next to me will be willing to have a conversation with me, not ignoring the possiblity of friendship just because I am married. Its been so hard to meet people, and that ones I have, I wonder if there is any point to why I did. I don't really feel like being part of chess club, debate team, or the gay rights activist group. There are apparently multiple Christian clubs on campus, but they all meet at night. I got a brochure from one of them and I realized why people think Christians are stupid. It was a classic christian girl, very modest with no style, and a smile plastered on her face. I couldn't help but wonder how often I have looked like that. All to say, no offense to them, but I went to find a different one. There was a fraternity of them. Firstly, I make fun of frats/sororities, so that didn't seem a good match, along with the fact I was skeptical that they were "christians." The InterVaristy group doesn't seem like it is really up and running there, and the Campus Crusades seemed cool, but once again, are all at night time events. They actually seem like they might be making an impact there. I did find one other group, and actually talked with some of the people from it. I might try to hook up with them sometime, but I can't go to any of their meetings. So, someday I hope to make a group of friends on campus. Maybe that will end up waiting until next semester, though. I do know one girl who is was josh's co-worker who we are good friends with. She is going to school full time for one year, so its nice to see her every once in awhile when our classes permit.

It has been hard trying to switch life around. I quickly realized I won't get to work at the PCC (The Pregnancy crisis center I am a volunteer counselor at) on a regular basis, I already feel behind on P4N (Passion for the Nations) assignments, and I miss my girls that I nanny for. This weekend I went crazy having a dirty house, and no grocieries because I feel like I have to do all this stuff that josh says I don't (though I don't really believe it) and school at the same time. I get to read, though. Good thing I like to read more often than not. I have not just 1, but 2, no, 3, more, 4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17 books/texts to read in the next three months alone. along with presentations, papers, and tests. One of the books I am reading right now is about the genocide in Rwanda. It blows my mind that the hundreds of thousands of people were brutally murdered with clubs with nails, and machettes.....not just that but the corruption that went behind it, and how the 'Christians' were the ones who played such a huge role for these deaths. I have so much to say already on all the books and class discussions we've been having, but they must wait for a later time.

Happily, this new beginning in my life has been good. Luckly, I am already really liking it, energized by the new ideas, trying learn, while deciphering issues, and discerning truth from lies, and applying things from a spiritural mindset. I think I can feel my brain expanding a 1/8th of an inch daily. Don't worry, I also go to a humble compressing machine everynight so I don't get a big Head. I hope. Anyways, Its been cool. I like it. I am so incredibly blessed to have this oppurtunity. I think most younger people who go to school don't know what its like to think that you'd never be able to do that. For so many years I would have never dreamed I would actually go to a university to study what I want to. I mean, I don't have to be concerned with studying something that will bring in the bacon. I don't have to worry about debt. I am so blessed. I could be focused on surviving. When getting married, I didn't really believe I would go back to school, though I wanted to. Its just hard. I could get pregnant. Then there is trying to live, and the time, and the cost of school, as well as the consideration that this might not profit us in the future. I sure hope what I learn is an investment in the kingdom of God, though. That's what I pray. I am so blessed that josh is excited with me, and is supporting me. He has so much to do with this, and I am so thankful I have such an awesome guy who understands this! As well as encouragement from others. But mostly, I am so thankful to God that He is giving me this oppurtunity. I am so hyped. Anyways, this is a little bit of my life of late.

Currently reading : We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda By Philip Gourevitch Release date: 01 September, 1999

The Gospel of Thrift

The Gospel of Thrift (Stores)
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

I have been thinking about thrift...

'Thrift' started with my mom. We would make a date of scouring all the good thrift stores to find
vintage clothing, or nice stuff for a buck or 2 rather than $20 new. It wasn't a secret. I wasn't
ashamed of shopping at thrift stores, I bragged about it. Of course, when I got older I was
excited to discover others who loved thrift, with some that was the only thing we had in common.
In Hawaii we had a "Boutique" of free thrift clothing. Take some, leave some. It was rad.
In a sense, thrift is an art. 

Honest moment: Okay, I am not too much of a thrifty. I just go every once in awhile. I wouldn't put it in the "hobby" classification, just something to do at times with rewards.

Anyways, I have been pondering this. For the most part in the area I live, I am discovering that thrift isn't exactly the 'thing'. For one, it is crazy expensive. I mean, these people are charging the out the wazooo for some junk! Or I went to the brand name thrift store the other day. Everything was "Banana Republic," "Gap," intermingled with other brands which I have never been classy enough to the names of. Still, the retro thrift isn't so much the thing (though I can get things that are new, yes, pretend vintage and that is okay if intermingled with other styles). It has taken me more than a year to begin to believe this. As I wear the perfectly worn old tee with the paint peeling off, I am noticing that no one else is. There are the Tennis-skirt moms and cute-heals business women. I am not either one of those, though I have discovered the tennis skirts are very comfy to take walks in, and I have even graduated to wearing shoes in the winter which are apparently tasteful enough to be complimented. But I find it odd that Thrift isn't cool. Do they not like the old pictures? The peeling paint? The barely-there material? Or yellow armpits? Okay, I understand that last one.

I am starting to see this in a new light. I sometimes feel self-conscious in my old tees. At least I know when it isn't the appropriate social norm to wear them. I can look down at my shirt and actually be aware that it looks old. Not like cool-old. But moldy old (as for a lack of a better word). I have lived in denial for so long, not seeing the reality of the state my tee-shirt was it. No wonder people think it looks old. Its because it is. Such an odd realization.

This experience of "understanding" brought me to a new level of knowing God. You see, we are like thrift. We are old. We are yellow armpited. We are worn out. We are used. We have stains on us. This is the reality. Others might see us that way. Then others might think we are "cool" looking because they are "cool" looking. When really, we might both look like crap but be in denial of such a factor. All to say, though God sees us how we really are (He knows the reality of our situation) He still accepts us. Jesus paided quite the price to buy us from the thrift store. It is a weird image to think of me as an old-tee shirt with Jesus blood filling one of those ghetto cash registers. He thinks we are cool enough to buy. He loves us. In fact, He was our designer, making us back when we were pretty. After He buys us He won't just hide us saying "Dude, my creation looks BAD, totally not like how I wanted it to be, I can't let anyone see this so I'll tuck it away in this drawer for no one to see forever." Nope. He doesn't do that. Instead He is like, "I am so going to wear this for EVERYONE to see!" So what makes us cool? Looking like a bad tee-shirt on Jesus' spirit who lives in us? Or the fact that its HIM who wears us around, loving us this much, entrusting us this much to let the real beauty, God's character, shine from behind that shirt. The gospel of thrift.

Don't fret. I am not planning on entirely giving up thrift; I still appreciate its goodness. I still like it, even though I now have the talent to let myself see it through a new lens. Oh, yes, Wonderful thrift! After all, I guess Jesus likes thrift :)

Currently reading : Mere Christianity By C. S. Lewis Release date: 05 February, 2001

Passion of the Haystack

Passion of the Haystack
Current mood: excited
Category: Life

Preface: For those who have already heard me in my passionate physco worldview which blossomed at home, adapted at YWAM, it is now growing it deeper and deeper through a new class, Perspectives, which I've been taking. I am dedicating this to those back home, the ReVoLuTiOn, though I believe it is for all of us.

Sometimes we think it won't happen. Its just day to day life, how could that ever change our little corner of the world? How can so few people change the dynamics of a city? Or a region, of the world? Well, I can assure you first of all YOU NEVER WILL if your trying to be big. I know for us artsy/music people fame is what we crave. And maybe that's just extroverts in general. I don't know about introverts, as I am not one, but if I asked my husband I am sure he would say that's not exactly what he pursues. But Introvert or extrovert, I can say that we want it to be all about us. The way we act, and communicate all goes through this filter marked "me." Sadly the world doesn't revolve around us, or at least everyone else hasn't realized yet it revolves around me. So, Unless our desires change so that we are living not to do what we want to, make us bigger, or become famous....we are never going to get there. Get where? Making God famous. To have this revolution we can't be living to make us big, it has to be to make God big. Did you know that if you study the Bible from Beginning to end, not reading it through the filter of "me" (what do I get out of this), you will discover that God's purpose is to make His name glorified. It makes sense, He is God after all. He deserves it. Its not selfish either, it just comes with His character being God. Did you know that to glorify God is the same thing as making Him famous? That's basically what the Greek and Hebrew meanings of it mean in our modern day English. Make Him famous by helping people to know Him, to come into a relationship with Him where they too can worship Him and make Him famous even more. How can we make God famous if we are trying to live for ourselves, and in a sense, to make ourselves famous? We can't. But let me assure you, the closer you get to God, and the more you know Him and see His purpose, the more you will desire to make God famous.

Okay, now lets get around to making God famous. That is essentially what we are trying to do for our revolution: Making God famous where we are to the ends of the earth. Its possible. It really is. God desires for all people to know Him. He loves them. So of course He will make a way. And He wants to use YOU. Can you do it? Yes. Don't believe me?

Let me tell you a story about a haystack. There once was a haystack in Massachusetts. I am sure it was like most haystacks, excepting some animals had eaten hay from the bottom if it, making a cave-like feature in it. One day, while some college students (yes, young people like you) were out taking a walk, a thunderstorm caught them and they took refuge in this haystack. Now, mind you, these were Christian young men. In fact, one of them was very passionate, he became a Christian at 17 after his dad had been praying for years that he would, and not only that, but that he would give his life to missions (which was unheard of at the time). This dude, Mills, leads them in a discussion of the obligation we have to making God famous. They then took advantage of this haystack and started to pray. Not just for them, through the "me" filter, but for the nations of the world. And that started something. In fact, it started a whole movement. They started the first student missionary society in America: "The Society of the Brethren". I am sure that was a hip and cool name back then, though in our ears it might sound like some disturbed fraternity club. What it was, though, was a group of young people dedicated to making God famous in the world. This started another group: The American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missions. Now this is important. This was the first Missionary agency in America. Lets review really quickly: This one passionate guy started praying with His buddies. These guys impassioned some others to basically start the whole American movement of thinking beyond ourselves to do what God asked us to: make His name famous in the earth by making followers(disciples) of Him. Started by one young guy! Its not like He planned all this out! And you don't think you can't do something too? If your working to make God famous while following His leading, its a Big Fat Lie if your believing otherwise.

Okay, okay, so what happens next? This all happened in the early eighteen hundreds, less than 100 years since a few protestant Christians were actually thinking about fulfilling the great commission (also started by some young people). William Carey really got this off to a start, saying that we should tell other people in the world about Jesus, to which the English Christians responded "If God wants to save the heathen he can do it without your help, or ours." Wow. They were sosooo compassionate. Anyways, the Haystack people were among the first of the modern Christian world movement. Over fifty years later, two of the kids of one of the missionaries sent out by the above-talked-about society fluffed a few more feathers. So, this movement -you guessed it- was also started by a few young prayerful passionate and determined people. This brother and sister saw how God still wasn't being made famous like He should be. So they started praying. And God got a few other young people around the country praying also. They ended up happening to meet at this Christian conference at a college, again, in Massachusetts. Apparently Massachusetts is the place. So they decided to pray together. The conference wasn't meeting in the evenings, so they asked if they could talk a little then, for those who wanted to come. In fact, they decided that they would have a declaration card also, a declaration to commit your life to God to spread His fame in all the world. They were praying to get 100 people sign it by the end of the conference, which, go figure, happened. They then organized their group a little better naming it the Student Volunteer Movement. It spread. It boomed. Within the next thirty years a hundred thousand students became missionaries or spent their whole lives supporting those missionaries and spreading God's fame where they were at. Note: It was their whole life. In today's population standards, that is equal to 5 million young people. Non-Christian Sociologists have no other name to call this generation in the late 1800's and early 1900's but the missionary generation. I never learned that in history class! In fact, you'd never guess, but the YMCA was one of the major supporters of the SVM, they helped it grow dramatically! Now we just play racket ball and learn yoga or jazzercise there. This movement was so huge that at a secular university, Penn state, over 95f the students were dedicated to missions and evangelism! How cool and crazy is that? Yes, this particular movement died out, but since then there have been other ones.

Now we are in our own. Of course its not known yet, its not in your history book. But we are starting it. In fact it might never be in a history book, because Jesus might come back before it will be written. In our generation it is actually plausible for the whole world to hear of Jesus if we are diligent and follow God. We are not supposed to wait for the end of the world while living our own lives. Biblically, we are supposed to make it come, because Jesus said that He will not come back until His kingdom is preached to all people. That's our job. Not just the extrovert, you introverts are also called to that. This has never been completeable until today, although its still close to 1/3 the world's population. From these history lessons we can see a few major themes.

The first would be prayer. I like this description of prayer attributed to David Wells (whoever He is). Its basically saying that prayer is supposed to be rebellion. Rebellion to what the world considers normal. When we lose heart and don't pray, we are basically saying that everything which we see is bad, not in line with God's will Biblically, and not perfect should be accepted as normal. We are resigning ourselves to say, "yah, this is the way it just is." But it is so not the way it should be! We are to rebel against our desire to live for "me," rebel against the selfishness, drugs, porn, pride, indifference, rebel against the hatred, racism, and lack of us doing things to spread God's fame....etc.... WE are to rebel against anything that is not how God wants it to be. We to fight a revolution in prayer for Lompoc or wherever we live, not resigning ourselves to "I can't do anything." Don't fall for that! Also, when we resign ourselves we are saying that God will not overcome the evil. Now that seems evil in itself to think, because God really can do everything. He Has, and promises to overcome all evil in fullness. WE can't just wait it out until we die, knowing it will get worse, and hope that Jesus will come back soon to rescue the world in all its evil (which He WON'T until we do our job of taking the gospel to everyone). Someone like US must take action. I am not asking you to freak everyone out by doing crazy things. I am asking you to really PRAY. And then do the crazy things God tells you to do after you pray No, seriously, I stink at praying like I know God wants me to. But my lack of prayer comes from 2 things: Not believing that God is Big and Good enough to answer my prayers and believing things are not bad, resigning myself to be okay with the way things are. So on a flip side, If I am to pray, I have to Believe God can change the situation, and I have to believe that He is not famous enough yet, His kingdom sure hasn't come enough yet, His will is not done enough yet, things are not OKAY! Now when I believe these things, I want to pray. Otherwise I am settling. Settling is never okay.

So, the haystack and the missionary generation prayed. They also, like I was talking about earlier, seemed to care more about making God well-known so He could be worshiped than caring about themselves. What is it in your life that keeps you from caring about that more? Let me see....these are a few things on and off at times in my life which I might have cared more about for myself than to do something for God's name to become great (famous) in all the earth: Relationships, Guys, my husband, career, becoming famous myself, people's opinions, getting more money, being comfortable, me in general etc.... Ya. We all deal with these idols. But that's not an excuse to keep holding on to them. Unless we are passionate about making God's name more well-known than we are passionate about living for ourselves, let me reiterate, We will not be world or our corner of the world changers. We will not revolutionize. We will not spread God's name. We will not Care enough to, because we are more important. Our own life, education, career, relationships, comfort.....those are more important than instigating a revolution for the King. A revolution which proclaims "Long live the King and may His name be Glorified in all the Earth!" We too can change the world starting with one haystack at a time.

EXPRESSIONISTIC*

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*EXPRESSIONISTIC*

You paint. You draw. Your a graphic artist. You do photography. You sculpt. You write. You do drama. You dance. You sing. You compose music. You record. You play the bass... the guitar.... piano.... drums.... french horn....

You are talented. You are creative. What if there was more to it? What if you possess these abilities for a greater purpose?

Communication is essential to humans. We cannot survive without it; it is one of the greatest distinctions between humans and animals, and it is also the main factor separating people groups. Art is a language.

Communication is also essential to the character of God. He has communicated to us though His word, the Bible. He communicates to us through His Spirit, and He has communicated love to us by sending Jesus to meet us on earth, sacrificing Himself in our place so we can live eternally. He communicates through His Spirit, other people, and creation. Whether you are very aware and intimate with God speaking to you, or you are completely unaware, skeptical such communication is happening, or somewhere in-between, He is still directly speaking to your heart, “knocking at your heart’s door.”

We have a chance to communicate with God. How do we respond to God? Our art is a form of expression, a form of communicating with God. It can be a type of prayer, as prayer is simply talking with God. He understands what you are saying, even when you do not have the perfect words, or no words to do so. Expression is what this group is all about. Webster defines Expressionism as:

“n. A theory or practice in art of seeking to depict the subjective emotions and responses that objects and events arouse in the artist.”

This does not mean we should create in the form of the expressionist movement of the 1900’s (a distinctive artistic style), but in this group we mean communicating what you are feeling to God. Whether you are very creative and artistic, or you are just experimenting, God sees through your works to the depth of your heart. This is an opportunity to seek God; an opportunity to connect with Him. Even if your not too sure you want to “connect” with God, acknowledging and being open to Him can be a good place to start.

What if it was really not about us? Lets take this concept of expression a step further:

Do you think God gave you the gift of art, in whatever form or fashion, just for yourself? What you communicate to God can drastically help other people do the same. How many times have you heard that song on the radio that finally put into words what you were feeling? Seen a photograph which has finally portrayed life as it is? Drank of a poem which brought you understanding? Imagined yourself in a painting which brought you peace? God desires that we use what He blessed us with to bless others (following the example of Abraham, our “spiritual father” in Gen. 12). The expressions of our heart might be the very things someone else, despite background or belief, might need to connect with God. It can be the avenue people are looking for which they could have never found (made) themselves. We can use it in church, we can use it in the community. Possibilities are endless. We can get beyond ourselves with our talents to bless others.

Lets take it just one more step deeper....

If you already know God, Do you think He gave your craft(s) or creativity so you could make a name for yourself? This question leads us to the greatest way we can use our gift of creativity. We have the potential to praise and worship God through our art. God’s greatest purpose is to bring Himself glory, basically, fame. This isn’t because He is selfish. It is because He is deserving of this in a way our minds cannot understand. Throughout the Bible, we can see that He brings Himself fame mainly through bringing people back into relationship with Him in His sincere love and grace, and also conquering evil. These both make Him look good and bring Him praise. His creation, God’s own personal works of art, bring Him fame also (Romans 1). Instead of making a name for ourselves with our art, we can make God “famous” by our artistic expressions. Art can show beauty and mystery, both which are characteristics of God found in the Bible. It can be used to respond to Him and His goodness and greatness. One definition of worship is “to exchange love with God; responding to who He is and what He does.” It is common for people to think of worship as just music, or a weekly church service. Biblically, Worship is responding to God in thankfulness, love and deep awe (fear). This should be done in our lifestyle, obedience to God, to the extent even as “a living sacrifice....pleasing to God (Romans 12:1).” It also can be in music, (often with body movements accompanying, like dance), which is the most common way in the Bible, with more than a hundred examples. One of the first occupations in the Bible was a musician, right along with agriculture, livestock, and industry (Gen. 4:21).” But worshiping God is not limited to stringed instruments, percussion, song writing (poetry), and singing. Many people worshiped God through dance, an example being David’s dance in 2 Sam. 6. Drama is found in the Bible to express God’s word. Even a play backdrop was drawn to help (Ezek. 4). In Exodus (31 and 35) God specifically gave people the ability to design artistic works for creating the tabernacle (the center for worshiping God before Jesus came). These were generally visual arts, like sculpting, engraving, carving, tapestry making and even fashion designing. These and others were also used for creating the Temple (the later and more permanent version of the tabernacle). If other visual arts like photography and graphic design were around, I have no doubt they would be on the list too. A Biblical judgment on an evil people was to devoid the people of the richness of the arts, both musicians and “the craftsmen of any craft (Rev. 18:22).” This shows that God is very aware of the life art brings to humanity; it surely must bless Him. Lets use our creativity (or even lack thereof) to bring glory to God.

Compiled by Elisa Johnston, examples derived with the help of “The Heart of the Artist,” and of course the Bible.