Recipe for Contentment

"Yet true religion with contentment is great wealth." 1Tim6:6

I must say, I love this. Not only does it have a nice ring to it, but it also alludes a plethora of wisdom from a father to his son. If it wouldn't look so awkward framed by my front door, I just might put it there. Especially as it seems that being discontent is more than a struggle with me, it even borders on being a vice. Which is a rather unbecoming vice, at that. I like to blame my discontentedness that often controls me on living in Northern Virginia as opposed to in Asia, Europe, or California for that matter. Yet my true colors show and I suspect I would be discontent anywhere. That might not be entirely true, maybe I would be more content doing something else in a different environment. I am sure, though, that this thorn is a matter of the heart and not the location.

"Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in their troubles, and refuse to let the world corrupt us." James1:27

Here is another beloved quote that I believe the former must be read in tandem with. I can rant and rave about what religion looks like today, and whether it should or not. But beyond what is in front of me is my own soul for this to be tattooed on. I love this. It is such a different view, something that makes me crave religion if this is what pure religion really is. I have the feeling that my activist friends might say the same.

The reason I wonder whether I would be content somewhere else really comes down to if I am always craving new environments or if I really believe I could practice true/pure religion within a different environment better (and therefore I'd be content). Deep in my mind, I suspect, there is some truth to both of these, and some falsehood too. If the recipe for contentment is Jesus' "Life to the Fullest" (which it surely must be), what exactly is the recipe for that? Pure religion?

Los Lokales adonde fui

Not too long ago I used to travel. Honestly, I didn't really travel that much. Maybe I did "a lot" of traveling for my age. But 7% of the countries of the world are really not that many. At 18 I created the goal to travel to each continent (excluding Antarctica) within 10 years. That means I have just shy of 4 more years to reach Africa and South America, though I'd kinda like to visit Central America and the Middle East also. In someways I would really prefer to just explore South and South East Asia. Yet when I see a spectacular sunset I always think of African grassy plains and medical clinics with beautiful people speaking beautiful languages I do not understand. For whatever morbid reason, I wish I could visit Rwanda to see where the genocide took place, and talk with survivors. I wish I could visit a refugee camp in Chad and bring food, or find immigrants in Cairo who are stateless, hear their stories and help them format them so they can go confidently to their interviews knowing they will be believed. Or it seems amazingly cool to me climb to Matchu Pitchu and see Mayan temples. To go to the slums of Lima or visit a Beef farm in Argentina and speak Spanish with a "sho soy elisa." So I guess my two continents actually do await me.

Why do I love to travel? I have no clue. This is a nonsensical fetish, it seems. I guess I figured it is some oddity that God has programed into me, I generally assume for His purposes. Even though I do somewhat believe it can be "for God" my motives in many ways are driven by just this insane thrill-seeking adventure hormone (or something) which must be released by my liver every month, week, day. Or at least, that is a theory. Maybe it really is just genetics. After all, I am the daughter of my father who would hide travel magazines under His bed like other men might hide porn. Hormones, genetics, or God-ordained . . . I may not be able to pin-point the root. But the root is there. Even if I try to pull it out, ask God to dissolve it with Holy Spirit weed killer or ignore it, wondering if it will disappear, I am beginning to believe it might not. Hence, I was chronically bitten by a travel bug. I rest in my fate.

This New Genesis

Okay, well I decided I might do this. I might not also. Its not like I am rich or famous or have a delightful ugly poodle which might make me worthy of a bloggers following. As I am one of those people who seems to happily melt within attention, if I have none, I might stop. I do not vow to remain faithful to www.elisasue.blogspot.com.

Yet, from my cozy vantage point I do see a possible future between me and you, blogger. I like to write. Its art and comfort combined. Sometimes I actually think what I write it worthy to be written. I am always thinking semi-profound as well as incredibly improfound spaghetti somewhere between my heart and mind. This just might be my venue for a "public" release of those noddles. This way I may still munch on and digest them even if no one else particularly likes the flavor of the day. I do promise to try to keep what should stay in the pot over the stove; to keep it in my kettle for everyone's sake (mainly, my own).

As my old blog, at myspace, has a terrible and very unfriendly to non-geeks (or actually, its probably just terrible in general) set-up, I am moving on to newer things. Maybe this way I'll actually use this as it seems more user friendly. Multiple people have also recently asked me if I have a blog or if we have a website. So, those two things have brought me to this spot. All to say, here I experiment.

She Makes Me Happy

She Makes Me Happy
Current mood: chipper
Category: Life

I just wrote this to a friend and I thought I’d share it:

Avi is amazing. Kids are the coolest, particularly when they are your own.
They are like little fireflies lighting up the evening sky that you get
to chase, catch and enjoy. I rather like them. Or, in my case, her.
Here is a video we took of her 2 days ago playin with her daddy:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8rU0jkcr9Y

Oh, I guess while I am at it, here is a link to her most recent photos:
http://picasaweb.google.com/elisasue/Avilynne67Months

Currently listening : Ghosts I - IV By Nine Inch Nails Release date: By 08 April, 2008

Honest Doubts 1-4

Honest Doubts: Thought 4 (God + I) Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 4 Sometimes I wonder if the personal reality I experience of God is just a mix of the way I understand and view life with the concepts from the Bible. I think sometimes I am scared of fully understanding the Biblical God. I am not sure if I will like Him the way I like the God that I commune with daily. For me, this is a constant stretch of faith. It seems I have been in this phase of doubting God. In a way, I guess I just think that it is wise for me to question what I believe, to know what I believe and why I believe it. In fact, even if God wasn't real and I knew that, I am pretty sure that at this phase in my life I would knowingly choose to believe in Him anyways. I don't think I could let go of this just like that and without a replacement. The faith that I have in believing that there is something more to me out there who is all Good and all Big helps me not to just survive but thrive. I have no doubt that without this faith I wouldn't have life. Hence, whether God is true or not, I need Him. I need something. He makes the most logical sense of any religion. I have experienced Him on the deepest and most intimate levels. I have seen and heard of amazing supernatural things. There is so much evidence for His existence. And therefore, I have faith that God is real and applicable, and that He is my God. Still, what is my faith unless it is constantly being challenged to grow? So, these are my doubts of late which are challenging me to grow. Currently watching : French Kiss Release date: 18 January, 2000 1:13 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Honest Doubts: Thought 2 (God + Genocide) Current mood: confused Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 2 The other big thing that I really don't like of late is about God and genocide. In my mind, genocide is obviously unjust. I mean, it is something that breaks my heart and in my opinion should break everyone's hearts (at least once they understand an even small amount of its horrors). Hence, God is against it, right? Yet, the only place I know it is mentioned of in the Bible is that God commanded the genocide of various peoples in the OT. Also, in the books of the prophets God often spoke very genocidally. Concerning the location for Israel, maybe the destroying of the pagan nations wasn't as much about a land for His people as that it was that these people groups were wicked. But heck, all peoples are wicked! A project that I am working on requires I have a Bible study available for my church on genocide so I was trying to write or find one on the Internet. Well, um, the only things I could find about it on the Internet were people bashing Christianity because of how God did command genocides. I need some Biblical help with this one, because I can only seem to agree that that is true. Again, how is God applicable to someone in who has faced genocide? Why would they want to trust a God who instigated genocides? And how can I talk to my activist friends about this same God? Currently listening : Waking Up By Bethany Dillon Release date: 03 April, 2007 12:47 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Honest Doubts: Thought 1 (Woman+The Bible) Current mood: annoyed Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 1: I have been very bugged by the whole seeming "oppression" of women in the New Testament. I generally don't think of it as a big deal until I read these seemingly harsh verses that Paul writes. It makes me think he is a bastard. I have always kinda played them off as cultural, and generally, I think in someways that makes sense. This week they are getting to me, though. I mean there were women prophets and a deaconess in the New Testament, as well as other women leaders. Which in turn makes me think that Paul is just talking in, um, geometric spirals. I guess I just know of so much oppression of women, and understand the root of pain which is the foundation of feminist thought. How can I expect 'her' to experience and know God unless I can show her a God which is applicable to her life? I can understand the concept of submission to your spouse/father fine, that makes sense to me in how men and women work. Its not like God doesn't tell the husband to love His wife enough to sacrifice his all for her like Jesus has. Who wouldn't want to submit to such a good man that was laying down his every-day life for you and loving him as himself? Um, ya. I'm down with that. As I can see how this sacrifice/submission thing plays out in my own life with my husband, this doesn't bother me (not saying I just adore 'submitting' all the time, er...or ever). Yet, what I don't get is the allowance of a cultural oppression. Actually, I am not too sure what I don't get. But I know what I want. I want to really know that God really loves and wants the best for women. Jesus seems to, doubtlessly. But God as in the Father, and the other things post-Jesus in the the New Testament which lead me to be not so sure about this. Currently reading : Crusade of Tears: A Novel of the Children’s Crusade (Journey of the Souls) By C.D. Baker Release date: 25 June, 2004 12:30 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Honest Doubts: Thought 3 (House) Current mood: disappointed Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 3 I have always seen God work the miraculous or give an understanding. Currently, we just found out that the house we were buying has been taken off the market and foreclosed on by the bank which was selling it. This has side-swiped me. Over a the past month and a half we have gone to a lot of work to buy this house, and the last three or so weeks it has been just shy of for sure that we were going to get it. I began packing; we were just waiting for the bank to sign. I know I am of the disposition to always get my hopes up; you would think I enjoyed being on an emotional roller-coaster of sorts. Yet, I guess I see it as impossible to suppress my glee, and almost just as impossible to hide my tears (though, I do have some practice with the later). In otherwords, I wear my heart on my sleeve where it is plainly seen; it hopes, loves and breaks with ease. I am aware that this sometimes makes my husband crazy. I know he would prefer to box my heart from pain and lower all expectations so I could never be hurt. Yet, try as he might to protect me, it just doesn't always happen. Amazingly, in spite the way I am, I have not been crushed. Of course, if I never hoped it I would not be sad at all. But I am sad. I am very sad. It was not just a house. It was THEE House. Okay, for those who have seen it, I realize, it really wasn't that "great." But between the location of it, it being in excellent condition for the scenario, the perfect size with a beautiful backyard, as well as it being the "deal of the century" (as our real estate agent deemed it).....it was Thee House. I guess what has been hard that is seemed that God's fingerprints were all over the situation, leading us here. We have prayed and sought God a lot about this particular house. As of right now, neither of us feel at peace about looking at other options. It seems we are going to pursue it until we can't anymore, running it into the ground. Which in this case means that we might be able to buy it off an auction. As it has been a depressing and disappointing thing to not get it, it had been making me think a lot about how God has been so alive in my life. Or at least I attribute it to God. I have been ludicrously blessed in my life without reason. It seems only good has ever happened to me. And when it wasn't good, God helped me understand why it wasn't, which was for the good (and felt good). So, I guess all I can do for the most part is see everything behind me through a rose-colored lens: I have been blessed amazingly, and seen both supernatural things, as well as impossibly coincidental things happen over and over and over again. Even when life wasn't perfect I still see it as if it was because God has been in it. Yet, the future isn't rose-colored. The future has no color. The future is a choice between trusting in the God I believe has made all things good, or not trusting in Him. Of course, considering the track record I have experienced, you would think it would be easy to jump off the cliff and say, sure God, whatever! But, um, no. Though I dance easily emotionally, I still think very very very much. I like to know things and am ceaselessly analyzing my world. Last year we jumped off a cliff. I knew God was taking us on a journey of trust when it came to our living arrangement. In short, because I believed God was directing us to, we decided to move. We didn't find a place, had to leave within days after changing our mind to stay, we moved in with friends, other friends moved out of their place and we moved in it. It was great to see how God came through despite all. Yet, the saga still hadn't ended and I knew it hadn't. So, we have been in phase two, I guess you could say. So now as we believed God had led the way to this place, the door has been slammed in our faces. Which is, I might say, always a little faith shaking. Not so much in the sense "But God, you said!" (because I don't know if He really said anything). More so, He hasn't led us to do anything else which is actually plausible. Buying another house, that is plausible. Buying this house on auction, that is not. And its weird. If it happens, awesome. God will look even cooler, because He did something that seemed impossible and our faith will have grown more, as well as everyone else's who has been watching (I hope). But, if that is not what happens? And those are the moments I have to trust God for understanding. Did we not hear or recognize God correctly? Or did we really just go through all of this to learn something? To get connected with that one person? It seems more thrilling to say, oh, well, maybe it is because the economy is going to crash in a few months entirely and God is saving us from a bad business deal. Or maybe God is going to lead us to move away from this area shortly. Maybe God wants to give us a better deal or a better place somehow. Those can make sense. I can understand those things. But if the economy doesn't crash, if God doesn't move us on, and if we aren't looking for another place because God hasn't led us to....then I don't understand. And this is where my faith actually has to become faith. I hate the idea of sitting here and not knowing why we aren't directed to do anything else and not understanding why this, Thee House, was pulled out from beneath us. That makes me nervous. I am afraid I might not ever understand. I am afraid God won't direct us onwards except to do nothing. That makes me feel stupid because it goes against conventional wisdom to just go back to not looking. Basically, I am afraid that I will start seeing my past not through that rose-colored lens. In otherwords, I don't want to be like the majority of the world and not see how God was there. Because that is why I believe in God. I believe because He is and was there. I would venture to say that the billions of people who have been screwed over by life have not seen how God was there. So who am I to cry a river when others are being raped, tortured, murdered, enslaved, are dying from the flu, starvation, don't have water, medicine, with their family and friends hurting all around them....people who daily have no hope? I can hardly trust God with a house or not. Yet some people I greatly respect are in these situations and still trust God. If I am ever in that place, will I still trust God? I want to so badly. I want to see, at least believe that God is working in this housing thing so that way I can once again say, "yes, God is there." He has made the past rosy once again, and no matter what goes on in the future and no matter who I meet in the future that also questions God, I can undeniably say once again that God is there. That's why God wants to look great to us, isn't it? He wants to be made more famous so that everyone will know that He is worthy of our trust and our frail love. Currently watching : The Phantom of the Opera (Full Screen Edition) Release date: 03 May, 2005

Metaphors from the Moon

Metaphors from the Moon
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I really get this. Tonight I saw the moon. It was full, glowing, bright. It was only the moon, yet I could barely look at it. Soon all these spiritual metaphors were flowing into my mind. I really should go outside more. Sometimes I wonder why I left CA, because it was warm enough there to enjoy outside even in the winter. I think I hope to move back to a warm climate. There were benefits to places like Fiji and Hawaii. I think I experienced God so much more because I surrounded myself with nature. Though I might be surrounded by four walls, my space heater and computer in this VA winter..... tonight, in my car, I was able to see God in nature.

So, going back to the spiritual metaphors....I don't think I reflect God like the moon was reflecting the Sun. But you know what? It hit me that if the moon could reflect the sun so vividly even though it is sooo not the sun, then maybe I too can reflect God. No not just dimly, but with amazing beauty and charisma. With a blinding brightness, even though its obvious I am not God (um...just like the moon isn't the sun).

Then, the I remembered years ago when one time I was sitting peering at a full moon one Valentines Day, the year before I got married. I believed God told me He was giving the moon to me. I mean, that probably sounds weird. Yet, it was the most special gift. Its like the time my mom told me before she went on a trip to remember her whenever I heard the frogs croaking out my window (not as romantic). And, I do. And now, since then, the moon is such a connection between me and God. Sometimes I am convinced He must do spectacular things with the moon just for me right when I happen to glance up. Okay, I am sure its me and everyone else. Heck, I don't care if God "gave the moon" to everyone else. He gave it to me, dang it! And not me "too" even though it is me too....but it doesn't feel like it. And isn't salvation like that? He has offered it to us humans, yet just the same, it is the most personal thing ever. And it doesn't stop there.

Moments before I saw the moon tonight I was pondering how much salvation just doesn't do it for me. I mean, it should. Yet, I know I am terrible at thinking outside of my reality. And being saved from eternal death is just not my personal reality. I don't feel and have never felt like I was going to hell. I can say "yep, I am saved, I am going to heaven." Don't get me wrong, I am glad about it. It would suck if I wasn't. But I don't "get" it. I don't FEEL it, its just a mind knowledge. So, even though being saved and all does cut it, I am sad to say that I am much too human and demanding to really "get" Christianity just because of that. I just don't think that would do it for me. But, there is something that turns me on to this deal. Its that I am daily saved, daily renewed, I have new life currently. My pastor keeps harping on the verse in John 10 where Jesus said He came to bring "life to the fullest," and for good reason. This has always been one of my favorite verses. What this verse means gives meaning to life. And I think that's why there are so many countless people who live under the title of being a Christian but don't act like it and don't live like it. They wouldn't die for Christ, because they can't daily die to themselves. Why not? Because they don't get that there is really something that we are sooo freakin' blessed to get by doing that [dying]. We have life! We can FEEL that. That hits our reality now! Salvation is not just fire control, escaping hell. Its also so much about not being burned right now. And tonight, I felt burnt.

So, I know your wondering, "um...what about the moon? Wasn't this blog supposed to be about the moon?" So, with that, here was my other spiritual metaphor I pulled out of my moon-time which encompasses the present and the future:

It was so amazing. It was a glimpse of what Heaven must be like. There were moon bows; rainbows which were surrounding tonights blinding full moon with the clouds whipping past it. And that kinda fits the description in Revelations; the throne of God surrounded by rainbows with clouds of His glory and the Spirit passing by. Wow. crazy. And for a split second I almost could "get" the reality of heaven. Maybe for the first time. It was like sneaking a peak into a window when your not supposed to know what's inside yet (which, unrelated, I did really do the other day with a flashlight and all). It was such a little amount of Glory to be seen. But "for the Glory of it all ..." (Which happened to be the David Crowder song playing at the moment) as I sat there in the car in the cold night, I was reminded I am here for the Glory of YOU (no, not you person reading this. I mean God, silly....wait, you mean its not normal for people switch from first person to second person in the middle of a paragraph? I guess not). There is purpose in my living because you are glorified and enjoy helping me through, making me better, helping me thrive when I don't feel I can survive. No, Its not a game, but its fun for you, isn't it? You like helping me out and giving me that life to the fullest. You like say "sweet, check out my resurrection power in Elisa over there!" You get a kick out of it. And with that in mind I suddenly felt the energy, the strength to go back into my house. To face my sick and crying baby. To smile at my husband and want to love and appreciate him even when I don't feel perfectly loved. To face the work that needs to be done and the life I sometimes don't always prefer but I have anyways. Why? Because I wanted to give that gift to you, God. I just understood that it would make you happy letting you have fun by filling me full of life. To let you enjoying seeing your amazing power working in my life. I think that I think you only like to do that when other people are around to see, you know, so you are more "glorified" among the masses by the cool stuff you can do in me. But you don't need an audience to be glorified. Nope. You just need me.

So, that's what I got out of the moon tonight.
2 Corinthians 1:8-9:

"[W]e were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead."

Currently listening : Remedy By David Crowder Band Release date: 25 September, 2007

Rude By Default

Rude by Default
Current mood: Fatigued
Category: Fatigued Life

You don't have to try to be rude to be rude. Rude is default. I mean, who sits there and says "I am going to cut in front of that person to piss them off."? Of course, I know you all do that in your free time, but...

I have started realizing how naturally rude we are as I am near to the end of my pregnancy. Not too long ago I was taking the subway home from D.C. I got on at 3pm, when rush hour starts, though is far from the masses going home. The train was packed. A young mother was in front of me, with a young girl and baby. Heck, she could have been a nanny, it didn't matter. Whoever she was, I am sure she was exhausted, and needed a seat (for her's and everyone else's' sanity). No one offered her one, though. Here she was, in the middle in between the two doors, trying to keep the young girl from falling, keep the stroller from rolling, the baby from crying too loud while trying to balance herself. I was pretty exhausted myself, and would have really appreciated a seat. I had been standing a long time, and was quickly wilting, though trying to be strong just a little while longer. An older woman next to me was appalled that no one offered me a seat, being the obviously tired very pregnant woman that I was at the moment. She went off about how rude people were, probably within hearing of some individuals who did have seats, and then assured me that if she had a seat she would have readily offered it to me (as any decent person should). I appreciated her thoughts, though I really was okay. Still, looking around myself, I did start to wonder why no one would give their seat to the young mother or me. There were some young women who were completely chill in their seats nearby. There were business men. There were tourists. Maybe they were all extremely nauseas, and about to puke. Maybe they were all entirely unaware, though that seems very unlikely. Maybe they were all drugged with depressants. Or maybe they were just normal people, wanting to be comfortable. It's pretty easy for me to assume that the later is probably the truth, at least with the majority. They were comfortable, maybe somewhat tired themselves. They probably were thinking they had the right to sit down after a hard day at work. Or they probably didn't think it was that big of a deal, and justified their actions. And you know what? Their lack of action really wasn't that big of a deal. But in it, they proved to act rude.

Later that day I had to stop by a few stores, after I cancelled seeing a friend because I was too tired to do much more that day. A car cut in front of me to park in the spot I was going into. Hence, I had to park far away. I think they were in a hurry. I got out of the car, waddled to the store in hot sun and it was closed early. While waddling back to my car I was wondering if that person would have parked there if he knew how much more effort it was for me than for him. I really don't know if he would change his actions. I think a few other similar things like this happened throughout my day. By the end of it, I was pretty bitter, feeling the world was a very unjust place. I've been noticing this a lot in the last two months as it becomes harder for me to do simple things because of the bulging basketball that is my belly. I know it might sound extreme, but I feel like I know a little more of what it is like to be treated unjustly. The poor, the hungry, the sick, the weak, the prisoner, the taken advantage of, the foreigner, the needy: these are the people who really catch the attention of Jesus. Those who live under injustice. Apparently, the beginnings of injustice really do not require much.

In little things, I'm starting to see I am unjust. It really gets me knowing I have probably done these things a thousand times to others. How many times have I taken the close parking spot when the sick, elderly, pregnant woman, or exasperated mother really could use have used it? How often have I chosen to be comfortable or lazy, and in that was rude? How many times have I been so self-focused that I didn't even notice the other's needs around me? How often have I thought that it wasn't that big of a deal, or wasn't worth the effort to do something kind? How many times, how many times.....

Being rude or unkind is not something you chose to do. It's natural. A slight bit of selfishness on our parts, often unnoticed, is what slights others. I think that really hit me, how my non-actions can influence others, and how they really are a testimony of character, and whose character I represent.

Currently reading : The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference By Malcolm Gladwell Release date: 07 January, 2002