Tribute to Grandma Skies and Living Jesus

Yuck, sometimes I feel so grossed by my non-love. I am such a selfish person. I don't think I act like a child of the Father. I don't think I show love. I just read 1 John 3, and go figure, it was immensely convicting. How often do I "live in Him?" There is verse after verse about how when you become God's child you will stop sinning. Considering I am a bit too professional at being selfish, automatically I start wondering how I am God's child. Its kinda like a kid realizing for the first time they don't look like their parents or anyone else in the family . . . I guess I'm adopted.

Yesterday at my Grandma's memorial service the pastor was talking about how Grandma was not her normal self at the end of her life. She was focused on getting her orange sherbet, RC Cola, and that "Fat Free Skim Milk" was a redundant title. She became more determined, impatience, self-focused, hard in understanding logic, and even her personality changed to a degree. This impart was due to her strokes, losing brain-matter. I also think people automatically revert into self-focused behavior when their physical body seems threatened. Its like a survival mode that humans seem to switch into when they are hurt, sick, tired, pmsed, and other abnormal states of being. They might be themselves, but not always their most pleasant, life-giving selves. The pastor was saying he became frustrated with Grandma as she wasn't getting his logic. Then the idea came to him to appeal to her "spirit," the child of God, the person who has become "fixed," forgiven, and alive in God. So he sang a song with her about focusing on God. Go figure, she changed, she became peaceful and God focused.

I guess that kinda stood out to me. We are in this constant battle inside ourselves that Paul describes, doing what we don't want to do and not able to do what we hope to do. We have a part of us that is so human in a physical body that is dying. But God said He has changed our spirit, overlooking, and wiping away our selfish nature so we can become like Him.

Another thing the pastor said at my Grandma's memorial service was that my her life was about Jesus. In honesty, sometimes I was pretty unsatisfied with my interaction with my Grandma. She was so proud of her family, though in a good way. She would often brag about me to my cousins and brag about my cousins to me. I had the feeling that she never cared more than just to find more information to be proud of. I guess you could say I didn't have the personal relationship I wish I had with her. Yet in retrospect, that was undoubtedly outweighed by the things about her that were just amazing. There are plenty of things I remember about her: making us cousins matching clothing, babysitting us (and saving my life), camping, public display of personal, um, stuff, walking in the rain, and singing "Tell Me Why." But what really stands out to me was her faith. If no one else in the world had faith, she still did. She started churches. Started and lead Bible studies. She actually would pray for people, intensely, regularly. She watched the world news to pray for current events. She loved to worship God; to sing about Him and tell about how awesome He is to others. Her conversations, letters, and thoughts would always shortly lead back to being about Jesus. She lived for Him. Energy or no energy, able to do things or not, she continually maintained a relationship with Jesus and followed Him. I'm sure she struggled in life, I know she made unwise decisions that hurt herself and others in her life time. She wasn't perfect. But her life was about Jesus. Whether religious or anti-religious, it is impossible to deny that her life was entwined in her belief about her personal Lord.

On that note, of course, I was wondering what people would say about me if I died now. I think I might have an idea about what my family would say, or my friends in CA or other places around the globe. But I wonder what people would say among those who live where I do now, in the D.C. area. Yes, people would know I was a Christian. But would they really say my life was about Jesus? That I was fully alive? I've been thinking a lot about what my life back home looks like and in some ways I think it is very trite. Valuable, fun, and often meaningful. But too often it is satisfied with something less than I believe my life should contain. For once I am not saying this because I am not content. I am saying this because I am where I should be (location) but I don't live like I should. I don't live wrong, I just don't live to the fullest. By the fullest I am not referring to "doing" more either. But really investing in my relationship with Jesus and my relationships with others. No wonder so often I am not content. I often let spiritual laziness and selfishness rule while I live a 'wonderful' American life. Even though I am a Christian and try to follow Jesus, I let the dead part of me live a little too much. After meditating on my Grandma's life I am convinced I want her legacy to live on: I want to live Jesus.

Mailbox Madness

Often I find myself trying to distinguish why I felt so fully alive at different times of my life. For example, I realize that though I often felt alive in YWAM, it wasn't necessarily "YWAM" that made me feel that way. There were various aspects of the scenario which made me alive.

Today I was reading one of the last chapters in the book "I Became a Christian and All I Got was a Lousy T-Shirt." This chapter is kinda some dude's understanding of how being a Jesus-following-secret-agent man makes you alive (versus sitting on the couch all time time being a lazy bum makes you pretty bored or busy). Sort of.

Anyways, I know pretty often I am a bored Christian, or unsatisfied at least. It seems to hard to touch sick people where I live even though we are all pretty sick. Yet today, I had an idea. Whether it was a God directed idea or not, I am not sure. But I did it anyway. I felt devious, excited, counter-cultural as well as even semi-radical with my very unradical attempt at loving someone and living on a mission.

All to say, I wrote a thank you card to a postal worker. It was somewhat awkward. After all, I've never actually written a thank-you card to the UPS before. In fact, for a distinct period of time I was pretty sure that the United States Postal Service was actually an underground anti-government group, fully of anarchy and deceptive plans to establish a secure stronghold in each location to quickly convert into a mad rebellion and overthrow the US in a coup. Now I don't believe that. I am pretty sure Northrop Grumman is an anarchy instead.

At the end of the card I was running out of space, as is usually the case when , I, Elisa, write a card. I was trying to debate if I should write a Bible verse or tell them Jesus loves them or something Christian-classic like that. I was pretty sure I shouldn't write "God Bless you" because the chapter I read, in essence, said not to do that. I finally decided on saying something like I hoped they would find a life that was fully alive (mostly because I ran out of space to go deeper than that).

The nervous sweat from my hands caused my washable kids marker to bleed, leaving blue finger prints on the card. I was rather disturbed by that, as I was leaving the card anonymously and didn't want to be caught. They probably have my fingerprints on file somewhere and can match them. After all, I have had numerous background checks in which maybe they stole my fingerprints. I don't rightly remember. To solve the problem I smudged the marks with my spit. Which, after, I decided that might not have been a good idea just in case they can somehow DNA test the card and, again, find me. I am pretty sure it was a good idea to not stick the card in an envelope as they might never open it in fear of the anthrax virus powder which I wouldn't bother to add to the envelope.

With those precautions made, I am pretty sure that maybe someone will read it. Maybe not the letter-collector. But maybe the mail-sorting guy. I hope it makes someone's day. And I really hope that maybe it won't make them think humanity is slightly nicer than they thought, but somehow God will work to help them connect the "fully alive" part with Him.

Whether that was an impactful thing or not, it helped me (at least) feel alive. I decided that one of the aspects in my past of when I felt so alive was that I used to scheme and plan to love others. I think that is a characteristic I need to add more of to my life. After all, It blesses God, others, and myself.

Recipe for Contentment

"Yet true religion with contentment is great wealth." 1Tim6:6

I must say, I love this. Not only does it have a nice ring to it, but it also alludes a plethora of wisdom from a father to his son. If it wouldn't look so awkward framed by my front door, I just might put it there. Especially as it seems that being discontent is more than a struggle with me, it even borders on being a vice. Which is a rather unbecoming vice, at that. I like to blame my discontentedness that often controls me on living in Northern Virginia as opposed to in Asia, Europe, or California for that matter. Yet my true colors show and I suspect I would be discontent anywhere. That might not be entirely true, maybe I would be more content doing something else in a different environment. I am sure, though, that this thorn is a matter of the heart and not the location.

"Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in their troubles, and refuse to let the world corrupt us." James1:27

Here is another beloved quote that I believe the former must be read in tandem with. I can rant and rave about what religion looks like today, and whether it should or not. But beyond what is in front of me is my own soul for this to be tattooed on. I love this. It is such a different view, something that makes me crave religion if this is what pure religion really is. I have the feeling that my activist friends might say the same.

The reason I wonder whether I would be content somewhere else really comes down to if I am always craving new environments or if I really believe I could practice true/pure religion within a different environment better (and therefore I'd be content). Deep in my mind, I suspect, there is some truth to both of these, and some falsehood too. If the recipe for contentment is Jesus' "Life to the Fullest" (which it surely must be), what exactly is the recipe for that? Pure religion?

Los Lokales adonde fui

Not too long ago I used to travel. Honestly, I didn't really travel that much. Maybe I did "a lot" of traveling for my age. But 7% of the countries of the world are really not that many. At 18 I created the goal to travel to each continent (excluding Antarctica) within 10 years. That means I have just shy of 4 more years to reach Africa and South America, though I'd kinda like to visit Central America and the Middle East also. In someways I would really prefer to just explore South and South East Asia. Yet when I see a spectacular sunset I always think of African grassy plains and medical clinics with beautiful people speaking beautiful languages I do not understand. For whatever morbid reason, I wish I could visit Rwanda to see where the genocide took place, and talk with survivors. I wish I could visit a refugee camp in Chad and bring food, or find immigrants in Cairo who are stateless, hear their stories and help them format them so they can go confidently to their interviews knowing they will be believed. Or it seems amazingly cool to me climb to Matchu Pitchu and see Mayan temples. To go to the slums of Lima or visit a Beef farm in Argentina and speak Spanish with a "sho soy elisa." So I guess my two continents actually do await me.

Why do I love to travel? I have no clue. This is a nonsensical fetish, it seems. I guess I figured it is some oddity that God has programed into me, I generally assume for His purposes. Even though I do somewhat believe it can be "for God" my motives in many ways are driven by just this insane thrill-seeking adventure hormone (or something) which must be released by my liver every month, week, day. Or at least, that is a theory. Maybe it really is just genetics. After all, I am the daughter of my father who would hide travel magazines under His bed like other men might hide porn. Hormones, genetics, or God-ordained . . . I may not be able to pin-point the root. But the root is there. Even if I try to pull it out, ask God to dissolve it with Holy Spirit weed killer or ignore it, wondering if it will disappear, I am beginning to believe it might not. Hence, I was chronically bitten by a travel bug. I rest in my fate.

This New Genesis

Okay, well I decided I might do this. I might not also. Its not like I am rich or famous or have a delightful ugly poodle which might make me worthy of a bloggers following. As I am one of those people who seems to happily melt within attention, if I have none, I might stop. I do not vow to remain faithful to www.elisasue.blogspot.com.

Yet, from my cozy vantage point I do see a possible future between me and you, blogger. I like to write. Its art and comfort combined. Sometimes I actually think what I write it worthy to be written. I am always thinking semi-profound as well as incredibly improfound spaghetti somewhere between my heart and mind. This just might be my venue for a "public" release of those noddles. This way I may still munch on and digest them even if no one else particularly likes the flavor of the day. I do promise to try to keep what should stay in the pot over the stove; to keep it in my kettle for everyone's sake (mainly, my own).

As my old blog, at myspace, has a terrible and very unfriendly to non-geeks (or actually, its probably just terrible in general) set-up, I am moving on to newer things. Maybe this way I'll actually use this as it seems more user friendly. Multiple people have also recently asked me if I have a blog or if we have a website. So, those two things have brought me to this spot. All to say, here I experiment.

She Makes Me Happy

She Makes Me Happy
Current mood: chipper
Category: Life

I just wrote this to a friend and I thought I’d share it:

Avi is amazing. Kids are the coolest, particularly when they are your own.
They are like little fireflies lighting up the evening sky that you get
to chase, catch and enjoy. I rather like them. Or, in my case, her.
Here is a video we took of her 2 days ago playin with her daddy:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8rU0jkcr9Y

Oh, I guess while I am at it, here is a link to her most recent photos:
http://picasaweb.google.com/elisasue/Avilynne67Months

Currently listening : Ghosts I - IV By Nine Inch Nails Release date: By 08 April, 2008

Honest Doubts 1-4

Honest Doubts: Thought 4 (God + I) Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 4 Sometimes I wonder if the personal reality I experience of God is just a mix of the way I understand and view life with the concepts from the Bible. I think sometimes I am scared of fully understanding the Biblical God. I am not sure if I will like Him the way I like the God that I commune with daily. For me, this is a constant stretch of faith. It seems I have been in this phase of doubting God. In a way, I guess I just think that it is wise for me to question what I believe, to know what I believe and why I believe it. In fact, even if God wasn't real and I knew that, I am pretty sure that at this phase in my life I would knowingly choose to believe in Him anyways. I don't think I could let go of this just like that and without a replacement. The faith that I have in believing that there is something more to me out there who is all Good and all Big helps me not to just survive but thrive. I have no doubt that without this faith I wouldn't have life. Hence, whether God is true or not, I need Him. I need something. He makes the most logical sense of any religion. I have experienced Him on the deepest and most intimate levels. I have seen and heard of amazing supernatural things. There is so much evidence for His existence. And therefore, I have faith that God is real and applicable, and that He is my God. Still, what is my faith unless it is constantly being challenged to grow? So, these are my doubts of late which are challenging me to grow. Currently watching : French Kiss Release date: 18 January, 2000 1:13 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Honest Doubts: Thought 2 (God + Genocide) Current mood: confused Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 2 The other big thing that I really don't like of late is about God and genocide. In my mind, genocide is obviously unjust. I mean, it is something that breaks my heart and in my opinion should break everyone's hearts (at least once they understand an even small amount of its horrors). Hence, God is against it, right? Yet, the only place I know it is mentioned of in the Bible is that God commanded the genocide of various peoples in the OT. Also, in the books of the prophets God often spoke very genocidally. Concerning the location for Israel, maybe the destroying of the pagan nations wasn't as much about a land for His people as that it was that these people groups were wicked. But heck, all peoples are wicked! A project that I am working on requires I have a Bible study available for my church on genocide so I was trying to write or find one on the Internet. Well, um, the only things I could find about it on the Internet were people bashing Christianity because of how God did command genocides. I need some Biblical help with this one, because I can only seem to agree that that is true. Again, how is God applicable to someone in who has faced genocide? Why would they want to trust a God who instigated genocides? And how can I talk to my activist friends about this same God? Currently listening : Waking Up By Bethany Dillon Release date: 03 April, 2007 12:47 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Honest Doubts: Thought 1 (Woman+The Bible) Current mood: annoyed Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 1: I have been very bugged by the whole seeming "oppression" of women in the New Testament. I generally don't think of it as a big deal until I read these seemingly harsh verses that Paul writes. It makes me think he is a bastard. I have always kinda played them off as cultural, and generally, I think in someways that makes sense. This week they are getting to me, though. I mean there were women prophets and a deaconess in the New Testament, as well as other women leaders. Which in turn makes me think that Paul is just talking in, um, geometric spirals. I guess I just know of so much oppression of women, and understand the root of pain which is the foundation of feminist thought. How can I expect 'her' to experience and know God unless I can show her a God which is applicable to her life? I can understand the concept of submission to your spouse/father fine, that makes sense to me in how men and women work. Its not like God doesn't tell the husband to love His wife enough to sacrifice his all for her like Jesus has. Who wouldn't want to submit to such a good man that was laying down his every-day life for you and loving him as himself? Um, ya. I'm down with that. As I can see how this sacrifice/submission thing plays out in my own life with my husband, this doesn't bother me (not saying I just adore 'submitting' all the time, er...or ever). Yet, what I don't get is the allowance of a cultural oppression. Actually, I am not too sure what I don't get. But I know what I want. I want to really know that God really loves and wants the best for women. Jesus seems to, doubtlessly. But God as in the Father, and the other things post-Jesus in the the New Testament which lead me to be not so sure about this. Currently reading : Crusade of Tears: A Novel of the Children’s Crusade (Journey of the Souls) By C.D. Baker Release date: 25 June, 2004 12:30 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Honest Doubts: Thought 3 (House) Current mood: disappointed Category: Religion and Philosophy Thought 3 I have always seen God work the miraculous or give an understanding. Currently, we just found out that the house we were buying has been taken off the market and foreclosed on by the bank which was selling it. This has side-swiped me. Over a the past month and a half we have gone to a lot of work to buy this house, and the last three or so weeks it has been just shy of for sure that we were going to get it. I began packing; we were just waiting for the bank to sign. I know I am of the disposition to always get my hopes up; you would think I enjoyed being on an emotional roller-coaster of sorts. Yet, I guess I see it as impossible to suppress my glee, and almost just as impossible to hide my tears (though, I do have some practice with the later). In otherwords, I wear my heart on my sleeve where it is plainly seen; it hopes, loves and breaks with ease. I am aware that this sometimes makes my husband crazy. I know he would prefer to box my heart from pain and lower all expectations so I could never be hurt. Yet, try as he might to protect me, it just doesn't always happen. Amazingly, in spite the way I am, I have not been crushed. Of course, if I never hoped it I would not be sad at all. But I am sad. I am very sad. It was not just a house. It was THEE House. Okay, for those who have seen it, I realize, it really wasn't that "great." But between the location of it, it being in excellent condition for the scenario, the perfect size with a beautiful backyard, as well as it being the "deal of the century" (as our real estate agent deemed it).....it was Thee House. I guess what has been hard that is seemed that God's fingerprints were all over the situation, leading us here. We have prayed and sought God a lot about this particular house. As of right now, neither of us feel at peace about looking at other options. It seems we are going to pursue it until we can't anymore, running it into the ground. Which in this case means that we might be able to buy it off an auction. As it has been a depressing and disappointing thing to not get it, it had been making me think a lot about how God has been so alive in my life. Or at least I attribute it to God. I have been ludicrously blessed in my life without reason. It seems only good has ever happened to me. And when it wasn't good, God helped me understand why it wasn't, which was for the good (and felt good). So, I guess all I can do for the most part is see everything behind me through a rose-colored lens: I have been blessed amazingly, and seen both supernatural things, as well as impossibly coincidental things happen over and over and over again. Even when life wasn't perfect I still see it as if it was because God has been in it. Yet, the future isn't rose-colored. The future has no color. The future is a choice between trusting in the God I believe has made all things good, or not trusting in Him. Of course, considering the track record I have experienced, you would think it would be easy to jump off the cliff and say, sure God, whatever! But, um, no. Though I dance easily emotionally, I still think very very very much. I like to know things and am ceaselessly analyzing my world. Last year we jumped off a cliff. I knew God was taking us on a journey of trust when it came to our living arrangement. In short, because I believed God was directing us to, we decided to move. We didn't find a place, had to leave within days after changing our mind to stay, we moved in with friends, other friends moved out of their place and we moved in it. It was great to see how God came through despite all. Yet, the saga still hadn't ended and I knew it hadn't. So, we have been in phase two, I guess you could say. So now as we believed God had led the way to this place, the door has been slammed in our faces. Which is, I might say, always a little faith shaking. Not so much in the sense "But God, you said!" (because I don't know if He really said anything). More so, He hasn't led us to do anything else which is actually plausible. Buying another house, that is plausible. Buying this house on auction, that is not. And its weird. If it happens, awesome. God will look even cooler, because He did something that seemed impossible and our faith will have grown more, as well as everyone else's who has been watching (I hope). But, if that is not what happens? And those are the moments I have to trust God for understanding. Did we not hear or recognize God correctly? Or did we really just go through all of this to learn something? To get connected with that one person? It seems more thrilling to say, oh, well, maybe it is because the economy is going to crash in a few months entirely and God is saving us from a bad business deal. Or maybe God is going to lead us to move away from this area shortly. Maybe God wants to give us a better deal or a better place somehow. Those can make sense. I can understand those things. But if the economy doesn't crash, if God doesn't move us on, and if we aren't looking for another place because God hasn't led us to....then I don't understand. And this is where my faith actually has to become faith. I hate the idea of sitting here and not knowing why we aren't directed to do anything else and not understanding why this, Thee House, was pulled out from beneath us. That makes me nervous. I am afraid I might not ever understand. I am afraid God won't direct us onwards except to do nothing. That makes me feel stupid because it goes against conventional wisdom to just go back to not looking. Basically, I am afraid that I will start seeing my past not through that rose-colored lens. In otherwords, I don't want to be like the majority of the world and not see how God was there. Because that is why I believe in God. I believe because He is and was there. I would venture to say that the billions of people who have been screwed over by life have not seen how God was there. So who am I to cry a river when others are being raped, tortured, murdered, enslaved, are dying from the flu, starvation, don't have water, medicine, with their family and friends hurting all around them....people who daily have no hope? I can hardly trust God with a house or not. Yet some people I greatly respect are in these situations and still trust God. If I am ever in that place, will I still trust God? I want to so badly. I want to see, at least believe that God is working in this housing thing so that way I can once again say, "yes, God is there." He has made the past rosy once again, and no matter what goes on in the future and no matter who I meet in the future that also questions God, I can undeniably say once again that God is there. That's why God wants to look great to us, isn't it? He wants to be made more famous so that everyone will know that He is worthy of our trust and our frail love. Currently watching : The Phantom of the Opera (Full Screen Edition) Release date: 03 May, 2005